Following an affair, the recovery of the marriage is not the only option. But partners who decide to heal together will take different steps toward that goal.

​The vertical pairing of the steps listed below depicts how partners are connected to each other’s experiences and actions. Discovery should be met with disclosure. One partner’s trauma should lead to the other’s remorse which, in turn, can shorten the traumatic ordeal. Empathy should be offered to pain. Honesty needs to be met with acceptance. Atonement encourages forgiveness, and both partners must take the vulnerable risks necessary to reestablish trust.

If either partner fails to take the necessary steps, the journey stops. If they remain stuck, then complete relationship healing cannot occur.

Having already reviewed the steps of the Involved Partner, let's consider what steps the Injured Partner must take if a couple chooses to heal their marriage...

The healing of a marriage/relationship after an affair is not a passive process. There is no recovery conveyor belt to carry you from one stage to the next. The only way to reach your preferred destination is by walking the right path, step by step.

Couples who hope to heal together can expect to stumble. A lot. They will need to frequently adjust their footing to get back in sync. Knowing their desired destination can only be reached by taking the difficult journey together, both partners must cooperate in their efforts.

Consider the steps the Involved Partner (the one who had the affair) must take to help their relationship heal...

Last weekend, a clicked on a documentary that showed up on recommended watch list, expecting to be inspired by a story of one man's triumph over adversity. Charged: The Eduardo Garcia Story.

I talk to clients nearly every day, helping most of them work through choices and changes that affect their marriage or relationship. When I first meet a new couple, I usually don't know their full story. There is a lot to find out, but I typically start by assessing the overall stability of the marriage by finding the answer to three questions:

1. How secure is the foundation (trust)?
2. Do the spouses share a common vision for the future of their relationship?
3. Is each partner effectively contributing to the effort necessary to build a marriage that is stable and mutually satisfying?