Should there be ongoing contact with the affair partner?

Should there be ongoing contact with the affair partner? … Audio: Sharon and Jennifer answer the question, “Is it okay to have ongoing contact with the affair partner?” … Should there be ongoing contact with the affair partner? Do you have a question for us? Ask it here. …

How can I get my partner to break off contact with the lover without demands or ultimatums?

has ended but continues to have contact with the affair partner at work or in social situations … to give up the relationship. In the third scenario, the unfaithful partner claims that the affair … with the affair partner. Perhaps they even deny that an affair exists, but they are still unwilling … . Scenario 1: A partner who claims they are in love with the affair partner. Your instinct will be to … is when the wayward spouse claims to be in love with the affair partner. In the second scenario …

Is The Affair Partner Better Than Me?

Affair Partner … Some years ago, a betrayed wife posted about her struggle with comparing herself to the affair partner, losing the comparison most often. One of our site members (requesting to be anonymous) posted this insightful reply: Any questions that form a comparison or a competition (Was sex better? Was she prettier, thinner, smarter, wealthier? Did you enjoy talking with her more? etc.) are unnecessary. I know why we ask them. The affair wounds our sense of self-worth. It takes over like a monster. But I'd like anyone feeling the pain of those questions to try this exercise: Write down all your spouse's positive points, attractions, and best qualities. Then look at them and ask yourself if no one else is as good or better than they are in those areas. Chances are, there are many people in the world, or even people you know, who are more attractive, thinner, wealthier, better at sex, smarter, or more interesting than your spouse. Do you think less of your spouse because so many people are better than them at any of those things? Odds are no. This isn't about putting down your wayward spouse. It's about realizing marriage isn't a competition. You didn't marry them because they were "the best." You chose them because you loved them. They didn't marry you because you were the best, but because they loved you. They didn't cheat because you got older, softer, too familiar, or because they found something better, or because you were lacking anything. They cheated because of something lacking in themselves. If marriage to them is just about finding something better, trust me, they will never find it, and real long-term love will allude them forever. Because there is always someone better at something. Someone will always be younger, more attractive, built differently, more educated, or whatever. That doesn't make you any less. Marriage isn't about trading up for bigger, better, newer models. I wondered for a long time if the sex was better with the affair partner. Then one day I realized I could probably have better sex with someone else. I just didn't. There were many more attractive men than my husband. I just didn't care because I was married. There we're men smarter or more educated than my husband. Does that mean my husband was less than other men? No. He was just him. And I married him. I wasn't faithful because he was the best at everything, or perfect. I was loyal because I chose to be, and I wasn't lacking things inside me that I thought I could fill from outside. There is no comparison. In many ways, the affair partner is a downgrade. For one thing, they were willing to engage dishonestly in a relationship with a married person. Would your spouse have found that attractive in a partner if they were in a healthy place themselves? I doubt it. The affair partner wasn't filling anything you lacked, but what was lacking inside your spouse themselves. Don't demean your worth with comparison questions. If you compare yourself to other things or other people, you can always find yourself lacking something. You don't have to be the best; just be the best you. The best you is worthy of love, honesty, faithfulness, and so much more." … A betrayed wife conressed her struggle with comparing herself to the affair partner, and losing the comparison most often. Another woman posted this insightful reply. … Is The Affair Partner Better Than Me? …

Six Options After Your Affair

In the introduction to her excellent book, How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, Linda MacDonald identifies five options available to unfaithful partners after an affair has been discovered. I want to present her options, comment on each, and then add a sixth. Five Options from Linda… 1. Leave your marriage for the affair partner. The likely consequences of this choice to all the people involved are devastating. Despite the strong “I finally found my soul mate feeling” that so many experiences, Linda points out that relationships starting as affairs have only a 3% chance of becoming a long-term relationship. This is certainly true in American culture, although the percentage may vary in other countries. My own experience supports this statistic. Among all the affair relationships I’ve become involved with over the years, I only know of a single affair couple* (he left his wife and children for the affair partner) who are still growing together after five years. Of course, the damage done to his ex-wife and children is a different matter. 2. Leave the affair partner as well as the marriage. The betrayed spouse may decide to leave all relationships and start over. Most who choose this option will tell me, “I just need to be alone for a while,” but then actively seek another serious connection or a series of brief, casual (usually sexual) encounters. Because the actual need/longing in them is never adequately addressed, they fail to find what they’re looking for despite the great price they paid for the freedom to pursue it. 3. Stay but make no effort to save the marriage. This choice is commonly made out of some sense of duty (“I know it’s the right thing to do”) or fear of consequences (the costs of divorce or losing children). The unfaithful partner resigns him/herself to the marriage somewhat reluctantly. The betrayed partner is left to do all the work, which is unsatisfying and unsuccessful. The marriage may end anyway, but with an unfair twist in which the betrayed partner is accused of giving up on the marriage. If you’ve ever wondered what passive-aggressive behavior looks like, here’s a great example! 4. Make a bungled, haphazard effort to save the marriage. When a couple fitting this pattern comes for counseling, the unfaithful partner claims, “I’m doing what I can to fix this,” while the betrayed partner is left to do 90% of the work. Linda writes: “This option is usually chosen by a well-intentioned partner who is clueless about the depth of damage caused by his/her unfaithful behavior. In his or her efforts to calm the hurting partner, the betrayer often says things like, ‘You should be over this by now’ or, ‘I said I was sorry!’ or, 'What else do you want me to do? I can’t take it back.’” 5. Make a heart-felt, well-advised effort to save your marriage. This effort is recognized by the unfaithful partner’s single-minded focus on making things right. They will do whatever is necessary, often asking for outside help to repair the marriage. One Additional Option from Tim… 6. Remain indecisive, ping-ponging between the two relationship choices. This behavior occurs when the unfaithful spouse remains uncertain and afraid to make the wrong choice. They work diligently on an exhaustive list of pros & cons, comparing the cost and benefits of staying in a marriage or leaving for the affair partner. Their seemingly definitive choice for one relationship lasts only a while until disappointment or fear drives them back in the other direction. From an outsider’s perspective, this behavior seems weak and foolish. But, remarkably, I’ve watched intelligent, successful men and women remain stuck in this pattern for years. The pattern is broken when at least one of the other players (the spouse or the affair partner) makes a firm choice away from it. Of course, if the affair partner is the one to leave eventually, the betrayed spouse only “wins by default,” making a return to intimacy and trust almost impossible. *This comment focuses on clients I worked with during the affair discovery process. I have counseled other couples working on marriages that started as an affair but they likely to do not change the percentage. | Follow-up: The one couple I refered to is no longer together after he found 0ut she had started cheating on him. Trust is usually a more significant issues for couples who started their relationship by breaking a previous trust. …

If the affair is over, is it okay to have ongoing contact with the affair partner?

The Problem If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. I have never seen an exception to this. That is why nearly every affair recovery specialist suggests a swift and complete cut-off of all contact with the affair partner. In the book, Surviving an Affair, Willard Harley states it this way: "...there is no good reason for the unfaithful spouse to ever see or talk to the former lover. There should be absolutely no contact. In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues related to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover." In Torn Asunder, David Carder writes: "...the partners separate physically—move to different locations, change jobs, and so on… If such a decisive break is not made, the recovering [unfaithful partner] will be tempted to renew contact… Continually “running into” the partner damages the trust and refuels the anger of the spouse trying to forgive and rebuild." An unfaithful partner who resists going to extraordinary measures to break all contact may be guilty of either wanting opportunities to encounter the former lover (even if they try to convince themselves they won’t cross “the line” again) or of failing to have empathy for the betrayed partner’s suffering. Certain work or social settings may complicate the separating process, but decisions must be made out of consideration for what the relationship needs. The necessary choice is often not an easy one. Unfaithful partners committed to making things right may still struggle with the sacrifice required. But sacrifices must be made to protect a betrayed partner from accepting conditions that feel dangerous. What can be done? If you want relief from the stress of ongoing contact between your partner and the other man/woman, then one of these relief strategies must be followed. Strategies for Relief Strategy 1: Do whatever is necessary to break all contact. The quickest relief to this stress is realized when the affair partner willingly accepts responsibility for making whatever change is needed to end all contact with the former affair partner. When a spouse/partner realizes that severing all ties is the only realistic way to alleviate fears and re-establish trust, they should move quickly and decisively toward changes necessary to accomplish that separation. This will often require sacrifice. To save their marriage, I have seen couples make these kinds of changes in an attempt to ensure no more contact: Selling a home and moving to another location. Quitting a job or changing vocation. Stepping away from certain friends or social circles. Ending participation in hobbies, recreation, events, or organizations they previously enjoyed (or finding new, safe ways to experience them). Walking away from financial investments. Why go to such extraordinary measures? Are such dramatic changes necessary if the affair has ended and promises have been made never to start it again? In most cases, yes, for two reasons. (1) Ongoing contact makes it too easy for the affair to start again. Intentions to end an affair are usually strongest just after it is disclosed or discovered. The unfaithful partner often works overtime to ensure that the relationship has ended and will never start again. They may be sincere in their intent. But recovery is a rough process. The betrayed partner will have significant needs and may express disappointment, confusion, sadness, or anger for weeks or months. Contact with the affair partner during this time will make comparisons inevitable: Things were so much easier in the affair. Why should I work so hard at something that makes me feel so miserable? Once this sentiment is expressed to the affair partner, the door opens to that relationship again. Whether the affair was sexual or emotional (or both), its promise of renewed relief strongly entices anyone in such a vulnerable place. I encourage a “do whatever it takes” approach to ending contact in nearly every affair scenario, but there is one condition in which it is mandatory. If the affair was emotional (feelings of love) and if it was discovered (not ended on its own or confessed), then ongoing interactions between the affair partners will almost certainly result in the continuation of their relationship. (2) Ongoing contact causes repeated harm to the betrayed partner. Here is a sentiment I have often heard expressed by an unfaithful partner: “The affair is over, so you need to let it go. Your insecurity is driving us both nuts. I’ve said I’m sorry and told you it’s over, so you need to trust me.” They say this as though they believed they would be capable of blind trust if the situation were reversed, but this is never true. The betrayed partner will feel unsettled and fearful whenever circumstances enable ongoing contact between two affair participants. This is not the betrayed partner’s fault. They did not cause this trauma; they are victim of it. And as long as the danger of ongoing contact remains, they will struggle in every attempt to move toward forgiveness and trust. Breaking all contact is an act of loving commitment. It demonstrates the sincerity of the unfaithful partner. It provides a safe context for healing affair wounds and nurturing relationship bonds. This “break all contact” strategy should be followed if possible, but I understand why there may be exceptions. Sometimes there are legal considerations (for example, when the unfaithful partner owns the business where the affair partner is employed). Sometimes a tremendous financial risk is not worth taking due to family needs, including medical. And the desire for complete separation might not feel … affair … partner remains … restate the problem: If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even if … If the affair is over, is it okay to have ongoing contact with the affair partner? …

The Neuroscience of Affair Fog

that the dopamine high begins to get triggered by reminders of the affair partner, and not just their … ultimately becomes a craving for another person. The dopamine system fires up when the affair partner is … affair realizes that the world is suddenly full of cues that remind them of their affair partner - all … to the symptoms of affair fog - the idealization of the affair partner, the overvaluation of their … ? Have they really fallen under the bewitching spell of their affair partner? Why can't they see what …

My partner says they are done with the affair but still want to stay in touch with the affair partner. Should I be okay with that?

My partner says they are done with the affair but still want to stay in touch with the affair partner. Should I be okay with that? … affair partner during this time will make comparisons inevitable: Things were so much easier in the … contact with the affair partner. In the book, Surviving an Affair, Willard Harley states it this way … with the former affair partner. When a spouse/partner realizes that severing all ties is the only … /partner and their affair partner, even due to career expectations or long-established social … The Problem with Ongoing Contact with the Affair Partner If any contact remains between a spouse …

I Couldn’t Control My Husband

seeing his affair partner, he didn't need to be here. He was out for about three weeks, returned home … for a week, then left again. (I later found out he was staying with the affair partner.) He was out …

How can I compete when the Other Woman (or Other Man) seems better than me?

person. The real competition here is between your partner's view of the affair relationship and his … affair partner as a standard by which you measure yourself. It's a broken yardstick. Years ago … with the affair partner. Then one day, I realized I could probably have better sex with someone else. I … between these two twisted views. Focusing on how you compare to the affair partner will lead you toward … partner experiences in the affair is interpreted with a positive bias. It is a way of thinking that …

How long will it take our relationship to heal?

contact with the affair partner, whichever was most recent. That's you're zero-mark. (If new …

Guard Your Heart After It’s Been Betrayed

weekends with the affair partner. He went on trips with her. He even told Pam how great the sex was … partner aren't entirely gone, but I am no longer confused about what I want. I have closed all doors to … affair is first discovered, the involved partner will often have an initial response of denial and … can to make things right and give our relationship a chance to heal. My feelings for the affair …

My partner is still angry. Shouldn’t they be over it by now?

, you need to consider coming completely clean. Has the affair partner expressed genuine sorrow and …

My feelings for my lover are so intense; how can anyone expect me to get over them?

the affair partner along with the lack of passion he had for his wife. Eventually, Aaron decided he …

The Cost to Repair a Marriage After an Affair

his willingness to put up with a double pain: the letting go of the affair partner, and the … repair your relationship. 1. End All Contact With the Affair Partner Why it matters: Healing can’t …

Don’t Tell Me It’s Not Real Love

it. When people ask me, "Do you think you really loved your affair partner?" I think they want me … You should avoid the "this isn't real love" debate with anyone claiming to have an emotional connection to their affair partner. Here's why.. … " debate with anyone claiming to have an emotional connection to their affair partner. Here's why: 1 …

Is It Too Soon for Couples Counseling After the Affair?

with the affair partner — emotionally or physically — trust can’t be rebuilt. Counseling becomes a … before starting joint sessions: 1. The affair isn’t over. If the involved partner is still in contact …

Should I stay or leave?

the affair partner. The betrayed partner can feel both repulsion and attraction to their spouse. The … . People are often confused by their reactions to a partner's affair. In that confusion, it is natural … crisis, both partners may experience wide swings in their awareness of what they want. The involved … you expected to just get over it? Does your partner have insight into their affair behavior, or do … person they desire to be. In those cases, it is a choice of strength. Here's the problem: In an affair …

Does Telling the Truth Help or Harm?

any secrets. I can't stand knowing less than the affair partner." But here's a fact: as counselors … affair details that became hindrances to their recovery. Since I've heard them so many times, I can … truth harms. Counselors can point to countless examples of betrayed partners who insisted on knowing …

Can it be called an affair if it was just a one-night stand?

meanings. If your partner calls it an affair, deal with it like an affair and work toward healing. …

I want to know the truth about the affair. What questions should I ask?

other gifts? Do you still have anything that was given to you? Does the affair partner know anything …