Affair Healing Blog

3 Steps Toward Reducing Your Affair Conversations

2/7/2018

One complaint I frequently hear from people who had an affair sounds something like this: “My spouse won’t quit talking about it. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s getting to the point that I dread coming home because I know another list of questions will be waiting. They’re not even new questions; we talk about the same thing over and over again.”

I encourage betrayed partners to take control of their affair conversations by following the following three steps.

Don't Tell Me It's Not Real Love!

8/3/2017

I've written openly about my affair story. My past provides me with a particular insight into the experience of an unfaithful partner and how a person can make life-changing choices that spin the heads of confused observers.

Because they prefer certainty over confusion, the onlookers (including the betrayed partner) often seek black-and-white explanations. They do this to understand WHY this happened, or to present a convincing argument that will compel the wayward spouse toward sensibility.

One common explanation of an affair is that it is a fantasy—the experience of something that seems real, but isn't. This condition is also referred to as wandering in an "affair fog." While I agree that understanding the fantasy and fog nature of an affair may be helpful to the unsettled witnesses and victims of infidelity, it will not persuade the cheater to think differently about their experience.

We Try To Control What We Can't Control

6/10/2017

A couple came into my office wanting help to work through an argument they were unable to resolve. They were frustrated and disappointed in each other. I spent 50 minutes helping them consider the issue from their partner's point of view and to gain insight into why they each reacted so defensively.

You're Not Responsible. You Are Responsible.

1/8/2016

A wife sat in my office yesterday, explaining the many ways in which she continued to figure out why her husband had an affair, with special attention to wondering what was wrong with their marriage... what was wrong with her. She felt that somehow she must carry blame for his unfaithfulness.

I told her the same thing that is often repeated to betrayed partners: "You are not responsible for your husband's affair." Not even a little bit.