Affair Healing Blog

It Takes More Than A Dramatic Declaration

1/16/2019

I came across the recent photo of a full-chest tattoo on Jose, a man who seems desperate to prove how sorry he is for cheating on his wife. It's a kind of confession that can't be easily taken back. And why did he do it? "So that I can earn my wife's trust back for the pain and suffering I have caused in our marriage."

He confesses to being a liar, cheater, manipulator, deciever [sic], dishonest, disrespectful, and apparently one other descriptor deemed too inappropriate for public viewing.

At first thought, we might think: Wow! This guy is really serious about accepting responsibility and making things right. Maybe he is. But there are at least a couple problems with this dramatic declaration.

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It's Good To Be Broken

10/19/2017

When a partner has been betrayed and carries the wound of an affair, they long for the spouse to feel their pain and accept responsibility for it. To do this, the unfaithful partner must be willing to move toward that hurt rather than away from it. But let's be honest: most of us aren't wired that way.

In the presence of such overwhelming suffering, often expressed in anger, the guilty husband or wife usually reacts in self-protective ways by either avoiding or attacking their spouse. When that fight-or-flight response is mixed with a strong desire to sidestep the shame of an affair, it's easy to understand why so many cheating spouses simply want to voice a confession and then move on to other matters.

Withholding Forgiveness As Punishment

8/22/2017

Photo Credit: klaus626 Flickr via Compfight cc

As pointed out in an earlier post, a self-focused apology (one in which "I'm sorry" is just a way to get out of an uncomfortable situation, not bring any true relief to the offended person) is seldom satisfying to the recipient. But forgiveness-seekers aren't the only ones who can sap the power out of forgiveness. Forgiveness-givers can be selfish, too.

I hesitate when it comes to pointing out the shortcomings of an offended person. After all, why should anything be required of a victim? Shouldn't the offender carry the full responsibility for making things right?

And in the case of an affair, shouldn't the cheater be expected to do all the work of fixing the marriage?

Why "Sorry" Isn't Enough.

8/15/2017

Photo Credit: alexismcafeephotography

Most of us learn early on that forgiveness is a necessary component of a healthy relationship. I can't tell you how many times my mother directed me to "Tell your sister you're sorry."

But why don't apologies always work? Why do offended people sometimes remain unsatisfied when an apology has been offered? Why are the words "I said I'm sorry. What more do you want?!" so familiar?

Because motive makes all the difference. An apology remains impotent when it is offered for the wrong reason, even if it's filled with all the right words.