Part 6 in the Looking For Forgiveness series written by Tim Tedder

We believe that forgiveness is essential for a healthy and satisfying relationship. But if that's true, why don't apologies always work? Why are offended people sometimes unsatisfied after an apology has been offered? Why are the words "I said I'm sorry. What more do you want?!" so familiar? Because motive makes all the difference. An apology can be filled with all the right words but remain powerless if offered for the wrong reason.

An effective apology is motivated by a desire to correct an offense against someone else and to resolve the hurt we have caused them. But apologies are too often used as a quick fix for our uneasiness. When we focus more on our discomfort than on the distress of the other person, our apology is selfish, and selfish apologies are usually ineffective.

I once stayed up late three nights in a row playing video games with my daughter. My wife preferred me to go to bed at the same time she did, but she didn’t begrudge our late-night gameplay.

On the fourth night, when I was tired and ready to go to bed at her earlier time, she informed me that she was taking the next day off and was hoping we could stay up together for a while.

Aware of her disappointment, I stood across the room and explained that I was ready for sleep. She looked dejected and hoped I'd change my mind, but I was tired and wanted to go to bed. And so I did. She decided to do the same.

The conversation continued as we sat in bed. She explained her anticipation of spending casual time with me that night and the hurt of realizing I did not want the same.

"I'm sorry you feel disappointed," I finally said.

Her response was quick. "I hate it when you apologize for how I feel."

"Well, I don't think I did anything wrong. I thought going to bed earlier tonight would be a good thing. I didn't realize your plans had changed. If you think I did anything wrong, we can talk about it. But the fact is, I didn't intend to hurt you, and I'm sorry if you feel that way."

That ended the conversation, and I soon fell asleep.

But the following day, I awoke feeling unsettled. I pictured my wife sitting sadly on the couch the night before, and this question immediately came to mind: Whose relief were you most interested in? The answer was obvious.

Although everything I had said in my defense was true, and even though I honestly regretted her sadness, my apology to her was powerless because from the very moment I was aware of her hurt, my responses were primarily driven by a desire for my relief (from tiredness, feeling guilty, having to spend too much time trying to comfort her, potential conflict). In those moments, I had been moving away from my wife, not towards her.

If I had been concerned about her relief, not just mine, I would have probably returned to the couch to be close to her while we talked. I would have touched her. I would have assured her that time with her was important to me, too, and perhaps suggested protecting our weekend to ensure that would happen. Maybe I would have even suggested watching a 30-minute show we'd both enjoy. The specific solution would not have mattered as much to her as my intention to provide comfort.

That question may be worth considering when asking for forgiveness. Whose relief are you most interested in? Yours, or theirs? It's not wrong to want relief for yourself, but the power of your apology will be measured by how much you focus on what the other person needs from you.

By the way, failure never has to be the end of our story. Once I realized the inadequacy of my response, I talked to her about it. I admitted that I had been more focused on my relief than hers. I said I was sorry and wanted to keep figuring out how to love her better. That time, the apology worked.

[Next: Penitence Without Pardon]

Series Index

Intro

Five Kinds of Forgiveness

Powerless Forgiveness