Premature Forgiveness
Part 1 in the Looking For Forgiveness series written by Tim Tedder
It is a good thing when a person moves toward forgiving a spouse's affair, but I become a bit suspicious of forgiveness that is offered too quickly. That kind of premature forgiveness reminds me of my childhood encounter with the Neighborhood Bully.
My grade-school friends and I were playing by the side of the road when he came riding by on his bike. I knew Bully only by reputation and so had no idea why he stopped, letting his bike fall to the ground as he walked purposefully toward me. Before I could make any sense of the circumstance, and without speaking a word of warning, Bully punched me in the face.
In those few seconds after the hit, my rattled brain scanned its memory data in search of anything useful in issuing an appropriate response. The only retrievable information came from Sunday School lessons: "turn the other cheek" and "love your enemies." So, while Bully's glare was daring me to fight back, I focused on my feet and mumbled, "I forgive you."
"What?!"
"I forgive you."
I figured God was really happy with this response; perhaps even pleased enough to send a couple of invisible angels to protect me. Or maybe Bully would just back away in awed confusion, overcome by my forgiving spirit.
Instead, he punched me again.
Since forgiveness failed, I tried something else: playing dead. Maybe he figured it wasn’t much fun punching a kid whose face was planted in the dirt, but whatever the reason, Bully got on his bike and rode away.
My next days were filled with revenge fantasies. I imagined every way a normal-me or a superhero-me might make Bully pay for his offense. My forgiveness had just been a temporary reaction, not a genuine response. It had been premature.
Some of the clients have offered premature forgiveness for their spouse's affair. Soon after the affair was discovered, these spouses were quick to declare, "Oh, I’ve already forgiven," only to return days or weeks later, confused by how angry they had become and how strongly they wanted justice.
Forgiveness is a good thing. It's God-like. It frees us. It heals. However, your forgiveness will be superficial if you attempt to offer it before you have become completely aware of the offense. Eventually, you will either have to back up and start over or settle for a kind of fake forgiveness (pretending to forgive, but not really).
Small offenses, of course, require small forgiveness. But when you experience the "knife in the heart" kind of hurt an affair inflicts, make sure you take the time to truly understand what happened. Then, out of this awareness, find your way toward more honest, sustainable, and mature forgiveness.
[Next: Fake Forgiveness]
Series Index
Five Kinds of Forgiveness
Premature Forgiveness
Powerless Forgiveness
Part 1: Selfish Apologies
Part 2: Penitence Without Pardon