Decisional Forgiveness
Part 4 in the Looking For Forgiveness series written by Tim Tedder
Some people consider forgiveness an all-or-nothing proposition. It's a bit like bungee jumping; you can stand frozen or take the step, but you can't go just halfway down. Combine this thinking with the idea that forgiveness is always the best choice, and you will eventually find yourself in a dilemma: How can you completely forgive someone who shows no remorse for hurting you?
In my opinion, personal forgiveness is always the best choice, even if the offender doesn't deserve it. I have not been ultimately tested in this belief. For example, if someone intentionally caused significant harm to any member of my family, I'm not sure what I'd do. I hope I find my way toward forgiveness because I've seen the fruit of unforgiveness, and I'd rather not taste it.
Does that mean I would give up on seeking justice? Not necessarily. Does that mean I would trust that person around my family again? Probably not. But it does mean that even if a person is not repentant for a wrong done against me, it is better for me to release my hands from around their neck and let go of my desire for personal vengeance.
If your partner has betrayed you, moving toward forgiveness is in your best interest. But how do you do this if your partner is unremorseful or absent? What if they left you (physically or emotionally) and show no interest in coming back? Or what if they come back to you wanting everything to be "over" but give little indication that they care about understanding your anger or pain? How can you be expected to forgive in a situation like this?
Maybe by deciding to forgive.
Decisional forgiveness chooses to let go of personal retribution while accepting the fact that you might never realize the emotional healing that would come if you experienced the offender's remorse. This kind of forgiveness can occur when you stop focusing on things beyond your control (the offense or the offender) and instead give attention to what is within your ability to change. You are not responsible for the hurt, but you are responsible for your healing. You may never trust them again, but you can still forgive.
What can you decide to do?
Talk it out.
If you haven't done so already, you need to fully acknowledge the pain caused by the affair. Talk about it with someone you trust. Get advice on whether or not it would be beneficial to communicate your hurt to your spouse and, if so, the best way to do it.Drop your weapon.
In whatever way you carry around the idea of revenge, let it go. Give up on the idea that you are personally responsible for satisfying justice. If action is required, leave retribution to a higher authority: God or the law.Start looking in the opposite direction.
One definition of forgiveness: “Forgiveness is giving up on trying to change the past.” Instead of obsessing and ruminating about the past, turn around and look at your future.
This is easier said than done, but you can change how you think. Start by giving attention to what you feed your thoughts. Eliminate harmful mental foods (bitter conversations, revenge movies, and anything that fuels anger or draws you into the past) and seek more positive input (Scripture, uplifting songs, encouraging friends, and anything that promotes peace and a focus on the future). If you cannot escape obsessive thoughts, talk to someone who can help.Search for empathy.
If you become too focused on your pain, your perspective will be limited and your emotional responses will be restricted. You will find it easier to forgive if you can (1) gain some understanding of your spouse's perspective, even if it is just an acknowledgment of ways they've been damaged, (2) be willing to acknowledge ways you contributed to relationship problems, and (3) remember the times when others forgave you.
[Next: Completed Forgiveness]
Series Index
Five Kinds of Forgiveness
Decisional Forgiveness
Powerless Forgiveness
Part 1: Selfish Apologies
Part 2: Penitence Without Pardon
