Completed Forgiveness

Apr 17

Part 5 in the Looking For Forgiveness series written by Tim Tedder

Completed forgiveness is realized when, in addition to the decision to forgive, the forgiver experiences a full emotional release from the pain of the offense. The deeper the offense, the greater the pain will be.

Completed forgiveness restores the whole person: mind, body, and spirit. It is the kind of forgiveness that most of us long for. It takes us beyond just a decision to a place where we experience healing on an emotional level. We feel the release and freedom that comes from forgiving or being forgiven.

Here's how it works in my close relationships. When I get into conflict, my analytical mode shifts into overdrive as I argue my case. After all, I'm probably 60-90% right, and everything will be settled as soon as the other person finally listens to me! In the moment, this strategy seems reasonable, even though decades of experience provide clear and compelling evidence to the contrary. The result, of course, is that we become more distant; I back away, leaving them feeling alone, hurt, or angry.

Since I'm not a complete idiot, I eventually figure out I did something wrong. I admit this and ask for forgiveness. Because they genuinely love me, they are quick to grant it.

But I've learned that when I simply say, "I'm sorry for that," the sting often remains even after we move past the offense. They no longer hold it against me, but they still feel hurt because I simply used words without becoming emotionally involved in the forgiveness process. A change comes the moment I move toward the other person, look them in the eye, and speak from my heart instead of my head.

When I am honest about my disappointment in myself and show genuine remorse, they soften. The sting is removed. Completed forgiveness comes.

That "softening" is, I believe, the mark of full forgiveness following an affair. It is a compassionate, humble, empathetic response from the betrayed spouse toward the one who cheated on them. Without it, they have to settle for something a little less.

Experiencing empathy for a spouse who had an affair should not be required or expected in every circumstance. If you recently found out about your spouse's affair, any suggestion that you should empathize with them likely seems absurd. However, if you truly want to forgive, you must be willing to eventually adopt a compassionate response. How?

To realize compassionate empathy for a spouse who betrayed you, one of these experiences must be true:

1. Your spouse is emotionally involved in the process of forgiveness.

If your spouse can express honest sorrow and remorse for their affair, then you have an opportunity to let down your guard and allow your feelings to soften. You may not get this chance if no regret is shown, or if they offer an apology that falls short of genuine contrition.

Even if your spouse shows genuine remorse, you cannot move toward an empathetic response if you hold on to vengeance. You will have to let go of your demand for personal justice and be willing to step out of your own experience and into the sorrow of your offender. This provides an opportunity for both of you to experience healing.

But what if your offender does not engage you at this emotional level? What if they do not offer genuine remorse? Some counselors believe that the best one can hope for in that circumstance is a kind of decisional forgiveness, because they assert that complete forgiveness can only be achieved if the offender is an active participant in the process. However, there is another way, although it is equally challenging.

2. You fully acknowledge your offenses against others, your own need for forgiveness, and out of the grace that has been given to you, you completely release your spouse.

I hesitate to write this second option because it can be easily turned into a moral or spiritual dictate that becomes a "requirement" for being a truly good person. Let me be very clear: good people do not always fully forgive. There is a place for justice.

Some people are so aware of their own need for grace and forgiveness, and how they've received these in the past, that they can genuinely forgive an affair even when the spouse is not asking to be forgiven. This kind of forgiveness amazes me, and I don't think I'm very good at it, but I have witnessed it on occasion.

Honestly, it seems that people of faith often have a slight advantage in this second point. They usually believe that if they got what they truly deserved, they'd be in a mess of trouble. But they receive something better instead – grace and forgiveness. If they see themselves that way, as undeserving recipients of gracious forgiveness, then we should find it easier to move with compassionate empathy toward those who have offended them (Colossians 3:13). That's how it should be, at least. In practice, it often is not.

Forgiveness is personal. Forgiveness can be hard, and sometimes it may even seem nearly impossible. But it is always the goal worth moving toward.

Lewis Smedes once wrote, "We talk a good forgiving line as long as somebody else needs to do it, but few of us have the heart for it while we are dangling from one end of a bond broken by somebody else's cruelty." If you're dangling, I hope you'll find something better in your heart.

Article Index

Intro

Five Kinds of Forgiveness

Powerless Forgiveness