Bartered Forgiveness
Part 3 in the Looking For Forgiveness series written by Tim Tedder
Bartered forgiveness is offered under the condition that the offender lives up to certain expectations. These expectations are often unstated and may have nothing to do with the affair. As long as the offended partner remains content in the relationship, there is no mention of the past affair. But whenever conflict or discontent reaches a sufficiently high level, the affair is once again used as a weapon against the offender.
I knew a mother who was going through a difficult period of struggle with her defiant teenage son. One afternoon, in the heat of an argument, her son picked up a BB pistol, aimed it at her head, and pulled the trigger. He assumed the gun was empty, but it was not. A BB shot out of the gun and into the flesh between her eyes. Blood poured down her face and onto her sweater. It was a frightening event, but the emotional damage was worse than the physical. Soon afterward, the son expressed sorrowful regret, and his mother readily forgave him.
But imagine a different outcome.
Imagine the mother proclaiming her forgiveness and then hanging the bloodied sweater in a closet. A week later, in the middle of another argument, Mom stops yelling, walks to the closet, reaches for the stained sweater, and puts it on. Her son is silenced. She learns that whenever she wears the evidence of his shame, she regains control. The shirt becomes her go-to strategy at the cost of her son's increased resentment and the deterioration of their relationship. Even if she puts the sweater back into the closet each time, her forgiveness isn't real; it's just a bargaining chip.
Most of us would be appalled by this manipulation, but how often do we revisit the past and bring up some old offense? How frequently do we hold up the evidence of past hurts to gain control by shaming the offender? When have we found more value in holding on to someone's wrongdoing instead of letting it go, even though we once claimed to forgive them?
Affairs cause deep hurt, so it may take time to reach a place of genuine forgiveness. It may require effort as you continue to affirm it, but the purpose of forgiveness is to leave the affair in the past. Genuine forgiveness does not allow you to reach back and drag the affair into the present each time it seems useful again.
Are you a bartering forgiver? Here are some things you might want to consider doing:
Get help from someone who can help you move toward forgiveness.
Remember when you experienced real forgiveness (from others, from God) and consider what it means to know your offenses have been left in the past.
If the affair is over and the offender genuinely asked for your forgiveness, do something to demonstrate that you are willing to finally let it go. You might want to write a long letter describing every detail of the hurt you've experienced and then burn it once and for all. That won't make the pain disappear, but it can be an act of your intent to no longer let the affair maintain its power over you. Whenever you're tempted to reach back to the offense again, remember your action of letting it go.
Admit your bartering forgiveness to your partner, and ask them to forgive you.
Utilize resources, such as books and recordings, to learn more about forgiveness.
Article Index
Five Kinds of Forgiveness
Bartered Forgiveness
Powerless Forgiveness
Part 1: Selfish Apologies
Part 2: Penitence Without Pardon
