Fake Forgiveness
Part 2 in the Looking For Forgiveness series written by Tim Tedder
Another Saturday night. Jake sat at the table with a group of friends, sipping at his wine while inwardly bracing himself. His wife, Marci, had started in again with the jokes—thinly-veiled criticisms at his expense. Ever since her affair, she seemed to slip more easily into these demeaning and embarrassing comments. Friends laughed, some of them glancing at Jake to check his reaction. He pretended to join them in the fun.
Driving home, Marci felt uncomfortable in the familiar quiet. "Don't take it so personally, Jake. I was just joking around. Nobody took it seriously." Jake remained quiet. "Come on, you're not really going to be mad about this, are you?"
He measured his response."I'm not mad. It's okay. We don't need to talk about it anymore." Marci, satisfied enough, slumped against the passenger door. Jake stared at the road as he drove home. All forgiven. All forgotten.
Not really.
Fake forgiveness is offered with a smile covering clenched teeth. It's an attempt to gloss over an offense and pretend everything is fine when, in truth, unresolved hurt and resentment remain. Whereas premature forgiveness is soon cast aside, fake forgiveness is usually held onto as though it were the real thing.
Sometimes, people become so skilled at being Fake Forgivers that they don't even realize they're doing it. They profess forgiveness but find themselves experiencing feelings of anxiety, anger, or depression that they cannot explain. Their hidden resentments are often expressed in passive-aggressive behaviors (e.g., "Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot to do that for you.").
Why do people fake forgive an affair? Some do it because they fear the conflict they would have to endure if they tried to resolve their sense of betrayal. Others believe forgiveness is always required, so they need to "just do it." Regardless of the reason, fake forgiving inevitably fails to provide genuine healing after an affair. Instead of allowing the injury to be cleaned out so it can heal properly, fake forgiveness slaps a bandage over it and pretends everything is fine. While things appear to be going well on the surface, the injury continues to worsen.
To make sure you are offering genuine forgiveness for an affair, keep these things in mind:
Fake forgiveness ignores or minimizes the hurt.
Genuine forgiveness can only be offered after your hurt from the affair is acknowledged. If you do not honestly recognize and admit your hurt, you are not honestly recognizing or admitting the offense. If it is not truly acknowledged, it cannot be truly forgiven.
Fake forgiveness is quickly stated with the expectation that you simply declare it and then move on.
Genuine forgiveness is usually a process, not an event. Small offenses, like small cuts, can be easily mended, but major wounds require more time. An affair is a major wound, so it will take longer to heal. If forgiveness is offered, it will likely be repeatedly reaffirmed as healing progresses.
[Next: Bartered Forgiveness]
Series Index
Five Kinds of Forgiveness
Fake Forgiveness
Powerless Forgiveness
Part 1: Selfish Apologies
Part 2: Penitence Without Pardon
