Part 7 in the Looking For Forgiveness series written by Tim Tedder

In the previous section (Selfish Apologies), I noted that an apology lacks power when the offender is more concerned with alleviating their own discomfort than with providing relief to the person they have offended. A self-focused apology is seldom satisfying to the recipient. But forgiveness-seekers aren't the only ones who can sap the power out of forgiveness; forgiveness-givers can be selfish, too.

We hesitate to point out the shortcomings of the offended person. After all, why should anything be required of the victim? Shouldn't the offender carry the full responsibility for making things right?

Absolutely... if the only concern is for justice or recompense. However, if genuine forgiveness is to occur, the offended individual must be willing to consider the offender's burden of shame and permit them to release it.

I hear the objections: What if the offender doesn't ask for forgiveness? What if there is no remorse? What if the offender isn't even around anymore? What if the offense was huge (extreme abuse, acts of violence, etc.)? Those are fair questions that demand thoughtful consideration, but this section deals with a specific condition: the need for forgiveness in intimate relationships. Intimacy requires forgiveness, and forgiveness requires compassion.

Of course, compassion is not the first response that comes to mind when we are hurt by someone we love. On the contrary, most of us react by either attacking or retreating. Our self-protection will likely continue until we believe the offender has shown sufficient remorse. But it is at this very point that we may become stuck, especially when the wound feels deep. In response to our pain, we may limit our vulnerability by requiring ongoing penitence without offering hope for pardon. We punish by withholding our forgiveness.

A married couple once came to see me because they had not been able to move past the husband's affair that had occurred over 10 years ago. I was the latest in a series of counselors they had seen. After a few sessions, it became clear that the wife had no intention of forgiving her husband. Although he had confessed, repented, and never returned to that behavior again, she continued to focus on his betrayal. Her unforgiveness allowed her to stay in control and minimized the risk of being hurt again. But they were miserable; their marriage was full of conflict and void of intimacy.

I finally asked her, "What could your husband say or do that would allow you to begin moving toward forgiveness?" She stared at me, expressionless, and finally said, "Nothing, because he can't undo the past." At least she was being honest, but her marriage was doomed.

This pattern of requiring penitence without granting pardon can even occur when the transgressions are relatively minor. Little offenses build up into big resentments, and the relationship gets stuck if the offended spouse never grants a pardon. Instead of giving the message, I'm willing to let go of this and leave it in the past, the hurt spouse communicates any of the following:

Withholding forgiveness is a good way to punish you.
I'll let you know when you've done enough to earn my forgiveness.
Forgiving you just gives you the right to hurt me again.
I'll forgive, but I won't forget... and I'll keep reminding you of that.
In future conflicts, reminders of past offenses are fair weapons for me to use against you.

Is it okay to want to see contrition? Of course. Can it take time to truly forgive? Yes, and deep hurts often take more time to heal. But consider your partner's relief, not just your own. Don't get stuck in your pain. Find your way to I forgive you.

Series Index

Intro

Five Kinds of Forgiveness

Powerless Forgiveness