Saying “I’m sorry” can be one of the most vulnerable, courageous things you do in a relationship. When trust has been damaged—especially after infidelity—those two words are often the first step toward repair.

But I’ve seen too many apologies fall flat. Not because the person didn’t care, and not because the hurt wasn’t real, but because of the word that came after “I’m sorry.”

That next word? It can make or break the moment.

The Saboteurs: Words That Undermine an Apology

1. BUT – The Great Excuse

“I’m sorry, but I was under a lot of stress.”
“I’m sorry, but you were being really unfair.”
“I’m sorry, but I just felt so angry.”

When you add a “but,” you’re not apologizing—you’re explaining. You're defending. That word acts like a mental whiteboard eraser, scrubbing away any ownership that came before it. A genuine apology gets buried beneath justification, dead in its ineffectiveness.

2. IF – The Escape Hatch

“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
“I’m sorry if that came across the wrong way.”
I’m sorry if it caused a problem.”

“If” makes the apology conditional. It introduces doubt, even when there shouldn't be any. Instead of owning the hurt you caused, it sounds like you’re hedging your bets. It leaves the injured partner wondering if you even believe you did anything wrong.

3. YOU – The Blame Shift

“I’m sorry you got so upset.”
“I’m sorry you felt ignored.”
“I’m sorry you can’t get over this.”

This might sound compassionate on the surface, but it redirects the blame. It implies that the real problem is the other person’s reaction, not your behavior. It shifts responsibility and leaves the hurt person feeling dismissed.

4. THAT – The Passive Shrug

“I’m sorry that happened.”
“I’m sorry that turned out this way.”
“I’m sorry that isn’t what you wanted.” (A double twist!)

This phrase keeps the apology vague and impersonal. It points to something else as the cause of the problem. It’s like saying, “Something unfortunate occurred,” rather than “I caused harm.” There’s no accountability, no action, and no real acknowledgment of the offense or injury.

The One Word That Matters

FOR - The word that changes everything.

“I’m sorry for lying to you.”
“I’m sorry for breaking your trust by…”
“I’m sorry for speaking with so much anger.”

“For” signals ownership. It prepares the way for specificity. It keeps the focus on your behavior and the harm you caused, rather than on the other person’s reaction or interpretation. It’s clear. It’s vulnerable. It’s courageous. And it invites healing.

Examples

Let’s consider a few examples of weak apologies that are transformed by appropriately using the word “for.”

Weak: “I’m sorry you felt betrayed, but I didn’t want to hurt you by telling you.” (Translation: This is kind of your fault, and I had good reasons.)
Strong: “I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I knew it was wrong, and I hurt you.” (Translation: I take responsibility. No excuses.)
Weak: “I’m sorry if that upset you.” (Translation: I wish you hadn’t over-reacted.)
Strong: “I’m sorry for upsetting you by speaking so defensively.” (Translation: I know my words and actions have consequences, and I should have paid as much attention to your feelings as my own.)
Weak: “I’m sorry that came out that way.” (Translation: My words have a mind of their own; I can’t control what comes out.)
Strong: “I’m sorry for calling you that name.” (Translation: I’m responsible for saying things that hurt you. I should have made a different choice.)

Why This Matters in Affair Recovery

In the aftermath of betrayal, trust is fragile. Apologies aren't just about words—they’re about repair. They’re about showing that you see the pain you’ve caused and are willing to own it.

A bad apology keeps you stuck. A good apology moves the process forward.

So next time you are about to say “I’m sorry,” pause. Choose the next word carefully. Let it be a word that brings clarity, not confusion. Humility, not blame. Ownership, not evasion.

Let it be for.

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The Word After “Sorry” Makes or Breaks Your Apology