Making Change That Lasts
When lasting change feels impossible, your deepest motivation holds the key.
Written by Tim Tedder
NOTE: This article is a summary of content that is explored in more depth in two courses: Affair Healing for Betrayed Partners and Understanding WHY.
Every person who seeks counseling has a unique story, but they all share one thing: a desire to change. So why do some move forward while others stay stuck?
It starts with two truths:
You are not just a product of your circumstances and outward influences.
You can choose your response to these outward conditions.
Real, lasting change comes when inner desire, rather than external influences, drives you.
Let’s raise the bar even more. You can experience pain and still find compassion. You can be criticized and still believe in your worth. You can face difficult choices and still make the right decisions.
How? Start by understanding what truly motivates you.
The Three Deep Motivations
Your choices are shaped by the desire you feel most deeply. These core motives show up in nearly every life decision:
1. The DO Motivation– Living to Meet Expectations
You seek approval or avoid disapproval. You’re constantly checking outward. While this keeps you in line with others’ expectations, it can lead to resentment or a lack of joy if it clashes with your genuine beliefs or desires.
“I’d rather not, but it’s what I’m supposed to do.”
2. The GET Motivation– Chasing Outcomes
You pursue things that promise satisfaction—love, success, security—or avoid consequences. But since this motivation, too, depends on outward conditions, your peace rises and falls with results you can’t always control.
“I’m doing this because I want something better.”
3. The BE Motivation– Living from Purpose
You’re guided by a vision of who you want to become, the story you want to tell. This is the most stable motivation—less reactive, more rooted. It focuses inward rather than outward.
“This is who I want to be, no matter what happens.”
To be clear, all three motivations have purpose and value. They all can play a positive role in our lives. But what happens when they’re not in sync? What do we do if what’s expected of us is in conflict with what we want? What happens if getting what we want means I have to compromise my “story”?
When there is tension, we are most likely to follow the choice that reflects our deepest motivation, our strongest desire. What matters most? To do what’s expected? To gain the desired prize? To act in a way consistent with essential values?
Why BEing Matters Most
The desire to be has unique power. It’s internally anchored. It offers clarity, consistency, and authenticity. It’s the only motivation that remains constant, unaffected by circumstances.
As Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, wrote:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”
Affair Recovery Examples
I’ve seen how these desires shape responses to betrayal:
DOING: “I’m staying because that’s what good people do.”
GETTING: “I can’t be alone—I need this to work.”
BEING: “I want healing, no matter the outcome. I’ll invite my partner to join, but I’ll grow either way.”
And for the partner caught in the affair:
DOING: “I ended it because I couldn’t bear the guilt,” or “…because it’s what is expected of me.”
GETTING: “I’m choosing what makes me feel most alive,” or “I deserve to be happy.”
BEING: “Who am I becoming through this? What changes are important? What story do I want my life to tell?”
Getting Stuck in the Middle
If you haven’t cultivated a deep desire to BE, you may ping-pong between what you should do (DO) and what you want (Get)—caught between guilt and longing; going back and forth; stuck in indecision. But healing begins when the question shifts from “What should I do?” or “What do I want?” to “Who do I want to become?”
Deepening the Desire to BE
When the desire to BE deepens, you begin to notice it everywhere—in books, films, songs, and people around you. You’ll start recognizing it in the lives of those who move you. And, if you cultivate that desire, you’ll discover the courage to start practicing who you’re becoming.
I spent much of my life as a DOer. In nearly every choice, I felt the pressure to satisfy everyone around me—my family, my friends, my coworkers, my church, God. My problem wasn’t that these expectations were necessarily wrong, but that it didn’t matter if they were right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, beneficial or not. I spent all my energy focused on external measures rather than paying attention to the internal ones. This tension eventually resulted in a chaotic and destructive set of choices.
The external measures were not necessarily bad. I still hold on to many of them. The difference now, though, is that they are driven by intrinsic (inner) motivations rather than extrinsic (outer) ones.
I know who I want to BE. That makes all the difference.
Do you want to change your story? Here are a couple of book recommendations:
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
Rising Strong by Brene Brown
