Recommended Books
Affair Recovery, Relationship Renewal & Personal Growth
Here is our complete list of recommended books for: Affair Recovery Overview, Injured Partners, Involved Partners, Marriage Renewal, and Other Topics. Our two highest recommendations in each category receive a "TOP2 Recommendation" designation. Additionally, books with a significant spiritual focus (usually Christian) are designated with this symbol after their titles: [S].
Affair Recovery Overview Books
The following books provide a broad healing perspective, addressing major issues related to affair recovery for couples and individuals.
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
by Shirley P. Glass
[A TOP2 Recommendation] Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma.
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by Shirley P. Glass
[A TOP2 Recommendation] Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma.
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Healing from Infidelity
by Michele Weiner-Davis
[A TOP2 Recommendation] The author brings three decades of experience into her advice to focused on couples who want to find their way through recovery to re-connection. Her instruction includes case vignettes of couples whose lives were shattered by betrayal but have eventually recovered and thrived.
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by Michele Weiner-Davis
[A TOP2 Recommendation] The author brings three decades of experience into her advice to focused on couples who want to find their way through recovery to re-connection. Her instruction includes case vignettes of couples whose lives were shattered by betrayal but have eventually recovered and thrived.
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After the Affair: Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
by Janis Spring
After the Affair teaches partners how to heal themselves and grow from the shattering crisis of an infidelity. Drawing on thirty-five years as a clinical psychologist, Dr. Spring offers a series of original and proven strategies that address such questions as: Why did it happen? Once love and trust are gone, can we ever get them back? Can I—should I—recommit when I feel so ambivalent? How do we become sexually intimate again? Is forgiveness possible? What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?
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by Janis Spring
After the Affair teaches partners how to heal themselves and grow from the shattering crisis of an infidelity. Drawing on thirty-five years as a clinical psychologist, Dr. Spring offers a series of original and proven strategies that address such questions as: Why did it happen? Once love and trust are gone, can we ever get them back? Can I—should I—recommit when I feel so ambivalent? How do we become sexually intimate again? Is forgiveness possible? What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?
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Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On - Together or Apart
by Douglas K. Snyder, Donald H. Baucom, Kristina Coop Gordon
Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma of an affair so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. This book offers support and expert advice from a team of couple therapists. If you stay with your spouse, you’ll find realistic tips for rebuilding your marriage and restoring trust. If not, you’ll discover effective ways to recover personally, avoid lasting scars, and pursue healthier relationships in the future.
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by Douglas K. Snyder, Donald H. Baucom, Kristina Coop Gordon
Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma of an affair so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. This book offers support and expert advice from a team of couple therapists. If you stay with your spouse, you’ll find realistic tips for rebuilding your marriage and restoring trust. If not, you’ll discover effective ways to recover personally, avoid lasting scars, and pursue healthier relationships in the future.
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The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
by Esther Perel
The author believes affairs have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to, and that they offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an exploration of modern marriage in its many variations. NOTE: We recommend this book for consideration for couples who are cooperating in their recovery and want insight into what they might learn from the experience. It is NOT recommended for betrayed partners who are still in early phases of recovery (focus on trauma and pain). Readers should also be aware that some of the author's considerations fall outside the norms of traditional views of marriage.
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by Esther Perel
The author believes affairs have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to, and that they offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an exploration of modern marriage in its many variations. NOTE: We recommend this book for consideration for couples who are cooperating in their recovery and want insight into what they might learn from the experience. It is NOT recommended for betrayed partners who are still in early phases of recovery (focus on trauma and pain). Readers should also be aware that some of the author's considerations fall outside the norms of traditional views of marriage.
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Surviving an Affair [S]
by Willard F. Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers
A Christian-based guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
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by Willard F. Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers
A Christian-based guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
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Books for Injured Partners
The following books focus on the issues and needs specific to those who have been betrayed.
Living & Loving After Betrayal
by Steven Stosny
[A TOP2 Recommendation] The book presents practical strategies for overcoming betrayal-induced trauma and the chronic resentment and depression that result, using the author's "compassion-empowerment" approach. The author explores the effects of the various aspects of betrayal. In addition, the book helps you regain a sense of trust in others so that you can eventually find another compassionate person to share your life with or, if you choose, to rebuild a relationship with your reformed betrayer.
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by Steven Stosny
[A TOP2 Recommendation] The book presents practical strategies for overcoming betrayal-induced trauma and the chronic resentment and depression that result, using the author's "compassion-empowerment" approach. The author explores the effects of the various aspects of betrayal. In addition, the book helps you regain a sense of trust in others so that you can eventually find another compassionate person to share your life with or, if you choose, to rebuild a relationship with your reformed betrayer.
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Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal
by Vikki Stark
[A TOP2 Recommendation] Based on a study of over 400 women, this book helps women understand what motivated their husbands to turn into uncaring strangers and provides them with the tools they need to move forward and rebuild their lives in new and unexpected ways.
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by Vikki Stark
[A TOP2 Recommendation] Based on a study of over 400 women, this book helps women understand what motivated their husbands to turn into uncaring strangers and provides them with the tools they need to move forward and rebuild their lives in new and unexpected ways.
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My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me [S]
by Anne Bercht
A very interesting and helpful recourse, this is one woman's story of surviving her husband's affair and his declaration of "I'm not in love with you anymore." There are frequent references to her faith and Scripture, but any woman surprised by her spouse's infidelity will easily relate to the honest telling of the experiences written here. The author gives insight into the ups-and-downs of the 2 years following the affair, with additional comments added by her husband and teenage daughter.
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by Anne Bercht
A very interesting and helpful recourse, this is one woman's story of surviving her husband's affair and his declaration of "I'm not in love with you anymore." There are frequent references to her faith and Scripture, but any woman surprised by her spouse's infidelity will easily relate to the honest telling of the experiences written here. The author gives insight into the ups-and-downs of the 2 years following the affair, with additional comments added by her husband and teenage daughter.
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You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life
by Paul Coleman
An excellent consideration of the what is experienced by betrayed women, along with clear explanations and helpful instructions. This is a good starting place for any women dealing with a husband's affair, whether or not you believe your marriage will survive.
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by Paul Coleman
An excellent consideration of the what is experienced by betrayed women, along with clear explanations and helpful instructions. This is a good starting place for any women dealing with a husband's affair, whether or not you believe your marriage will survive.
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Books for Involved Partners
The following books focus on the issues and needs specific to those who have been unfaithful.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
by Linda J. MacDonald
[A TOP2 Recommendation] One of the clearest, most concise guides for an unfaithful partner. It's not easy reading because this is not easy work, but Linda is straight-forward and to-the-point. Highly recommended for every wayward spouse.
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by Linda J. MacDonald
[A TOP2 Recommendation] One of the clearest, most concise guides for an unfaithful partner. It's not easy reading because this is not easy work, but Linda is straight-forward and to-the-point. Highly recommended for every wayward spouse.
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Living with Limerence: A Guide for the Smitten
by Dr. L
[A TOP2 Recommendation] "Dr L" sets out the case that limerence is best understood as addiction to another person. Drawing on evidence from the neuroscience of reward-seeking, motivation and behavioural addictions, and the personal testimony of some of the thousands of limerents that visit his website, he makes sense of the experience of being so utterly infatuated with someone it feels like you've lost your mind.
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by Dr. L
[A TOP2 Recommendation] "Dr L" sets out the case that limerence is best understood as addiction to another person. Drawing on evidence from the neuroscience of reward-seeking, motivation and behavioural addictions, and the personal testimony of some of the thousands of limerents that visit his website, he makes sense of the experience of being so utterly infatuated with someone it feels like you've lost your mind.
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Books for Marriage/Relationship Renewal
Books for couples who have moved beyond a focus on affair issues and want to experience a more satisfying relationship.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver
[A TOP2 Recommendation] Gottman debunks many myths about divorce and reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. This is a great resource for couples who are motivated to strengthen their marriage.
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by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver
[A TOP2 Recommendation] Gottman debunks many myths about divorce and reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. This is a great resource for couples who are motivated to strengthen their marriage.
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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage [S]
by Milan & Kay Yerkovich
[A TOP2 Recommendation] This book provides a clear explanation of how your attachment patterns (formed before you met) significantly affect the way you experience love in your marriage. The authors help you identify your personal love style, understand how your early life impacts you and your spouse, break free from painful patterns that keep you stuck, find healing for the source of conflict, not just the symptoms and create a close, nourishing relationship. A separate workbook is available.
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by Milan & Kay Yerkovich
[A TOP2 Recommendation] This book provides a clear explanation of how your attachment patterns (formed before you met) significantly affect the way you experience love in your marriage. The authors help you identify your personal love style, understand how your early life impacts you and your spouse, break free from painful patterns that keep you stuck, find healing for the source of conflict, not just the symptoms and create a close, nourishing relationship. A separate workbook is available.
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The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
by Michele Weiner Davis
Weiner Davis pays special attention to issues of infidelity (see chapter 10), depression, midlife crises, and "passion meltdowns," showing how basic relationship skills (like understanding and patience) can reverse even the most dire marital scenarios.
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by Michele Weiner Davis
Weiner Davis pays special attention to issues of infidelity (see chapter 10), depression, midlife crises, and "passion meltdowns," showing how basic relationship skills (like understanding and patience) can reverse even the most dire marital scenarios.
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Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
by Harville Hendrix
Getting the Love You Want describes the three stages of intimate relationships, provides illustrative case studies and gives helpful recommendations to overcome the obstacles in those stages to create a stronger bond between couples.
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by Harville Hendrix
Getting the Love You Want describes the three stages of intimate relationships, provides illustrative case studies and gives helpful recommendations to overcome the obstacles in those stages to create a stronger bond between couples.
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Other Recommended Books
Additional books offering insight and instruction that are helpful in affair healing.
Emotional First Aid
by Guy Winch
[A TOP2 Recommendation] While this book does not focus specifically on affair recovery, most of the problems addressed in the book are commonly experienced in the affair healing process. In each chapter, the author (a practicing psychologist) discusses an emotional wound using real-life examples and then offers practical research-based remedies. Each of these emotional wounds is covered in a chapter of the book: Rejection, Loneliness, Loss & Trauma, Guilt, Rumination, Failure, and Low Self-Esteem. Anyone struggling to heal from wounds of infidelity would benefit from the instruction and remedies presented by the author.
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by Guy Winch
[A TOP2 Recommendation] While this book does not focus specifically on affair recovery, most of the problems addressed in the book are commonly experienced in the affair healing process. In each chapter, the author (a practicing psychologist) discusses an emotional wound using real-life examples and then offers practical research-based remedies. Each of these emotional wounds is covered in a chapter of the book: Rejection, Loneliness, Loss & Trauma, Guilt, Rumination, Failure, and Low Self-Esteem. Anyone struggling to heal from wounds of infidelity would benefit from the instruction and remedies presented by the author.
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Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decision, and Hurtful Acts
by Carol Travis
[A TOP2 Recommendation]While not a book about affair recovery, this book gives insight into one of the most confusing issues in many affairs: How could a spouse change so drastically from who we thought they were? In this book, renowned social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson take a compelling look into how the brain is wired for self-justification. When we make mistakes, we must calm the cognitive dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility, restoring our belief that we are smart, moral, and right— a belief that often keeps us on a course that is dumb, immoral, and wrong.
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by Carol Travis
[A TOP2 Recommendation]While not a book about affair recovery, this book gives insight into one of the most confusing issues in many affairs: How could a spouse change so drastically from who we thought they were? In this book, renowned social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson take a compelling look into how the brain is wired for self-justification. When we make mistakes, we must calm the cognitive dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility, restoring our belief that we are smart, moral, and right— a belief that often keeps us on a course that is dumb, immoral, and wrong.
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Boundaries [S]
by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
The issue of relationship boundaries is addressed from a biblical perspective, answering questions like: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Aren’t boundaries selfish?
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by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
The issue of relationship boundaries is addressed from a biblical perspective, answering questions like: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Aren’t boundaries selfish?
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Forgive For Good
by Fredrick Luskin
This groundbreaking study from the frontiers of psychology and medicine offers startling new insight into the healing powers and medical benefits of forgiveness. Through vivid examples, Dr. Fred Luskin offers a proven nine-step forgiveness method that makes it possible to move beyond being a victim to a life of improved health and contentment.
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by Fredrick Luskin
This groundbreaking study from the frontiers of psychology and medicine offers startling new insight into the healing powers and medical benefits of forgiveness. Through vivid examples, Dr. Fred Luskin offers a proven nine-step forgiveness method that makes it possible to move beyond being a victim to a life of improved health and contentment.
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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
by Brene Brown
A great book to help with understanding the need for vulnerability in order to live whole-heartedly and experience satisfying relationships. In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to think, "...I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.
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by Brene Brown
A great book to help with understanding the need for vulnerability in order to live whole-heartedly and experience satisfying relationships. In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to think, "...I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.
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The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended [S]
by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, Joanna Sawatsky
Based on a groundbreaking in-depth survey of 22,000 Christian women, this book pulls back the curtain on what is happening in Christian bedrooms and exposes the problematic teachings that wreck sex for so many couples--and the good teachings that leave others breathless. This book is a corrective to church culture, helping free couples from repressive and dissatisfying sex lives so that they can experience intimacy that is healthy and gratifying.
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by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, Joanna Sawatsky
Based on a groundbreaking in-depth survey of 22,000 Christian women, this book pulls back the curtain on what is happening in Christian bedrooms and exposes the problematic teachings that wreck sex for so many couples--and the good teachings that leave others breathless. This book is a corrective to church culture, helping free couples from repressive and dissatisfying sex lives so that they can experience intimacy that is healthy and gratifying.
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Hero On A Mission: A Path To A Meaningful Life
by Donald Miller
Is the life story you are living helping you experience a life of meaning? The author breaks down the plan that took him from slowly giving up to rapidly gaining a new perspective of his own life’s beauty and meaning, igniting his motivation, passion, and productivity, so you can do the same.
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by Donald Miller
Is the life story you are living helping you experience a life of meaning? The author breaks down the plan that took him from slowly giving up to rapidly gaining a new perspective of his own life’s beauty and meaning, igniting his motivation, passion, and productivity, so you can do the same.
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Loveable: Embracing What Is Truest About You, So You Can Truly Embrace Your Life
by Kelly Flanagan
Kelly Flanagan is a psychologist, father, and blogger. In this book, he answers three fundamental human questions: Am I enough? How do I become unlonely? Do I matter? He shows us how to rediscover our worthiness and remember that we are good enough.
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by Kelly Flanagan
Kelly Flanagan is a psychologist, father, and blogger. In this book, he answers three fundamental human questions: Am I enough? How do I become unlonely? Do I matter? He shows us how to rediscover our worthiness and remember that we are good enough.
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Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy
by Donald Miller
Miller writes in an easy to read style with content that is thoughtful and inspiring. In this book, he writes about authenticity and vulnerability and how they impact our relational experiences. I especially recommend this to men.
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by Donald Miller
Miller writes in an easy to read style with content that is thoughtful and inspiring. In this book, he writes about authenticity and vulnerability and how they impact our relational experiences. I especially recommend this to men.
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The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive
by Kristin Neff
This workbook offers a step-by-step approach to breaking free of harsh self-judgments and impossible standards in order to cultivate emotional well-being. In a convenient large-size format, the book is based on the authors' groundbreaking eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program and is packed with guided meditations (with audio downloads); informal practices to do anytime, anywhere.
by Kristin Neff
This workbook offers a step-by-step approach to breaking free of harsh self-judgments and impossible standards in order to cultivate emotional well-being. In a convenient large-size format, the book is based on the authors' groundbreaking eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program and is packed with guided meditations (with audio downloads); informal practices to do anytime, anywhere.
Where To Draw the Line
by Anne Katherine
This book provides tools and insights needed to create boundaries so we can allow time and energy for things that matter and helps break down limiting defenses that stunt personal growth. The author presents case studies highlighting the ways in which individuals violate their own boundaries or let other people breach them.
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by Anne Katherine
This book provides tools and insights needed to create boundaries so we can allow time and energy for things that matter and helps break down limiting defenses that stunt personal growth. The author presents case studies highlighting the ways in which individuals violate their own boundaries or let other people breach them.
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[S] - This symbol indicates a book with a strong spiritual focus (usually Christian). Books with minor spiritual references are not noted.
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