Should I stay or leave after their affair?
The question of whether to stay or leave after an affair is one that most betrayed partners will ask themselves. Here are couple of examples:
She sat across from me, pulling herself deeper into the corner of the couch while telling me about discovering her husband's affair. "We've been together over 20 years, and I never thought he would do this... I always told him that if he ever cheated, I would be out the door. But now it's happened, and I'm still here. I don't want to lose him. Am I really that weak? Or am I just crazy?"
An online community member posted this: "I just keep asking myself, why would I stay with someone who isn't sure he wants to be with me? Why would I give him time to figure out who he wants to be with? I always thought that if I were cheated on, I would leave him instantly. Now that it has happened, why am I still here? Am I the weak one? Am I just asking to be hurt again? It's so hard to throw away 13 years together and all the great memories we have. Can it ever come back?"
These are common questions. People are often confused by their reactions to a cheating spouse or partner. In that confusion, it is natural to wonder if their choices are born from strength or weakness. And the contradictory opinions of the people around them add to the perplexity.
So, how do you decide whether to stay or leave after an affair?
Your choice depends on several factors. In deciding whether or not to give your partner a second chance, I'd encourage you to ask the following questions. If you can say "yes" to them, there is hope for your relationship's recovery. The presence of "no" answers means you should be cautious before moving forward in your relationship.
Is this the first time infidelity occurred, not a repeated pattern?
Is there an evident shift toward honesty, not ongoing cover-ups and lies?
Does their confession include information you did not know, as opposed to only admitting to what you discovered?
Does your partner show genuine remorse for the behavior or just sorry for getting caught?
Does your partner accept full responsibility instead of making excuses?
Does your partner respond empathetically when confronted with your pain, rather than defensively?
Is your partner willing to work on repairing trust, not expecting you to “just get over it”?
Does your partner have insight into their affair behavior, instead of just calling it a big mistake?
You have three options: (1) leave now; (2) give it some time; (3) stay no matter what. Let's consider each of these alternatives.
Option 1: LEAVE NOW
I want to be clear: if your partner has betrayed you, you have every right to exit your marriage. When trust has been so profoundly broken... when vows have been so deeply violated... nobody should tell you that you are obligated to give them another chance, even if it is their first and only affair.
And let's be honest, there are advantages to leaving right away. You save yourself from a process of recovery that will be harder than you want, take longer than you expect, and has a relatively high rate of failure. It is possible that even after months of agonizing attempts, swinging back and forth between hope and despair, your relationship will end. So why drag things out? Why risk even more hurt? Why not just go ahead and get it over with?
Well, maybe because there may be hope for healing and the discovery of a recovery that is even more satisfying than the one you experienced before. Because you've already invested so much of yourself, fixing what is broken may be better than letting it go. And because, generally, it is better to avoid making permanent decisions during the initial stages of a deeply emotional experience.
Your first reaction is often not what you would make after your feelings stabilize. If you've invested years in your marriage, would it be worth waiting a few months before setting your course of action?
Some partners, like the one mentioned at the beginning of this article, feel self-imposed pressure to leave immediately simply because it is what they always claimed they would do. To consider anything else seems like a cowardly compromise. But the choice to give your marriage more time, if made for the right reasons, is often an act of strength, not weakness.
Under what conditions would I recommend leaving immediately? If your partner has had previous affairs followed by apologies and repeated promises of "I'll never do this again," then you probably need to go because staying will simply encourage the repetition of this cycle. Don't try to save your relationship; don't try to fix things. It's not your responsibility anymore. Your partner needs to work alone on his/her changes, so you must move deliberately away from your relationship, whether separating or divorcing.
Option 2: GIVE IT SOME TIME
Cindy (not her real name) was anguished over her choice to stay with her husband, who had recently been caught having an affair with a coworker. Her usual self-confidence seemed to abandon her, leaving her in tears as she wrestled with the fear that she had become the kind of pathetic, weak woman she used to criticize.
In the twenty-plus years of their marriage, she had frequently warned her husband that their marriage would be over if he ever cheated on her. No second chances. But she did not follow through on her repeated threats when it happened.
Is waiting an act of weakness or an act of love? It depends. Suppose a betrayed spouse remains in the relationship because they fear being alone, because they believe they need their spouse in whatever condition they can have him/her, or because there is too much shame in a broken marriage. In that case, the choice is not a healthy one.
But suppose the partner remains because the history of the marriage/relationship and family holds enough value worth salvaging. Maybe they want to be part of their partner's healing, or perhaps the choice to stay is most consistent with the kind of person they desire to be. In those cases, it is a choice of strength.
Here's the problem: In an affair crisis, both partners may experience wide swings in their awareness of what they want. The involved partner often feels caught between not being ready to relinquish the marriage and longing to be with the affair partner. The betrayed partner can feel both repulsion and attraction to their spouse.
The intensity of this emotional confusion often leads them to wonder, Am I going crazy? It is a constantly changing environment, not a context in which permanent life choices should be made.
If you've recently found out about an affair, take time before making final decisions regarding your relationship. Get counseling. Set boundaries between you and your spouse if they are still caught in some sort of affair confusion.
Do whatever you need to ensure your safety (relationally, physically, and financially), and wait two or three months before making any decision to end your relationship. Focus on clarifying what it means to be whole and healthy, then make your choices.
Option 3: STAY NO MATTER WHAT
Let me start by addressing one concern raised by many of my clients who struggle with the choice to stay or leave their marriage in the context of religious expectations.
I was raised in a Christian family to believe in the permanence of marriage. The words 'til death do us part are meant to be a sacred vow, not just a statement of optimistic hope. I learned that "God hates divorce," reinforcing the expectation that once a person committed to marriage, they were in it for life. Many betrayed spouses, raised with these (or similar) convictions, feel guilty about leaving their spouse. Choosing to walk away from their marriage means disappointing God, the church, or their family. They are too hurt to stay but too ashamed to go.
This is an unnecessary trap. Yes, the bible states that "God hates divorce." But there are things that God seems to hate even more than divorce, and adultery is one of them. If your spouse has had an affair, God doesn't require you to stay in your marriage (Matthew 19:4-9). You have a choice.
Is it ever healthy for a person to remain married to a spouse who continues in infidelity? Perhaps, if their choice is based on grounded inward principles (not shame-driven), if they accept that the behavior of the spouse may not change (not manipulative), and if they can be content with their choice despite the circumstances (not resentful). Few people, in my experience, are capable of doing this.
Normally, when betrayed spouses sense no real changes in their wife/husband, I encourage them to set healthy boundaries in the relationship and then determine a reasonable date by which they expect to see some movement toward healthy change. This date becomes a line in the sand. It can be adjusted to an earlier or later date, but it is kept private. They should contemplate their course of action, deciding what to do if they reach that line and nothing has improved. At that point, they may stop considering how to work on a healthy marriage since their partner is no longer cooperating. Instead, they move away from the marriage to work on becoming a whole and healthy individual.
Each time I sit across the room from a marriage that is bleeding from the deep wounds of an affair, I long to help them find a way toward recovery. The goal is not to return to what they had before but to something even better. But while I always try to point toward hope, I promise to be honest with them. I wish they all could stay together. For some, the better choice will be to leave.
