Should I stay or leave after their affair?
The question of whether to stay or leave after an affair is one that most betrayed partners will ask themselves. Here are couple of examples:
She sat across from me, pulling herself deeper into the corner of the couch while telling me about discovering her husband's affair. "We've been together over 20 years, and I never thought he would do this... I always told him that if he ever cheated, I would be out the door. But now it's happened, and I'm still here. I don't want to lose him. Am I really that weak? Or am I just crazy?"
An online community member posted this: "I just keep asking myself, why would I stay with someone who isn't sure he wants to be with me? Why would I give him time to figure out who he wants to be with? I always thought that if I were cheated on, I would leave him instantly. Now that it has happened, why am I still here? Am I the weak one? Am I just asking to be hurt again? It's so hard to throw away 13 years together and all the great memories we have. Can it ever come back?"
These are common questions. People are often confused by their reactions to a cheating spouse or partner. In that confusion, it is natural to wonder if their choices are born from strength or weakness. And the contradictory opinions of the people around them add to the perplexity.
So, how do you decide whether to stay or leave after an affair?
Your choice depends on several factors. In deciding whether or not to give your partner a second chance, I'd encourage you to ask the following questions. If you can say "yes" to them, there is hope for your relationship's recovery. The presence of "no" answers means you should be cautious before moving forward in your relationship.
Is this the first time infidelity occurred, not a repeated pattern?
Is there an evident shift toward honesty, not ongoing cover-ups and lies?
Does their confession include information you did not know, as opposed to only admitting to what you discovered?
Does your partner show genuine remorse for the behavior or just sorry for getting caught?
Does your partner accept full responsibility instead of making excuses?
Does your partner respond empathetically when confronted with your pain, rather than defensively?
Is your partner willing to work on repairing trust, not expecting you to “just get over it”?
Does your partner have insight into their affair behavior, instead of just calling it a big mistake?
You have three options: (1) leave now; (2) give it some time; (3) stay no matter what. Let's consider each of these alternatives.
Option 1: LEAVE NOW
I want to be clear: if your partner has betrayed you, you have every right to exit your marriage. When trust has been so profoundly broken... when vows have been so deeply violated... nobody should tell you that you are obligated to give them another chance, even if it is their first and only affair.
And let's be honest, there are advantages to leaving right away. You save yourself from a process of recovery that will be harder than you want, take longer than you expect, and has a relatively high rate of failure. It is possible that even after months of agonizing attempts, swinging back and forth between hope and despair, your relationship will end. So why drag things out? Why risk even more hurt? Why not just go ahead and get it over with?
Well, maybe because there may be hope for healing and the discovery of a recovery that is even more satisfying than the one you experienced before. Because you've already invested so much of yourself, fixing what is broken may be better than letting it go. And because, generally, it is better to avoid making permanent decisions during the initial stages of a deeply emotional experience.
Your first reaction is often not what you would make after your feelings stabilize. If you've invested years in your marriage, would it be worth waiting a few months before setting your course of action?
Some partners, like the one mentioned at the beginning of this article, feel self-imposed pressure to leave immediately simply because it is what they always claimed they would do. To consider anything else seems like a cowardly compromise. But the choice to give your marriage more time, if made for the right reasons, is often an act of strength, not weakness.
Under what conditions would I recommend leaving immediately? If your partner has had previous affairs followed by apologies and repeated promises of "I'll never do this again," then you probably need to go because staying will simply encourage the repetition of this cycle. Don't try to save your relationship; don't try to fix things. It's not your responsibility anymore. Your partner needs to work alone on his/her changes, so you must move deliberately away from your relationship, whether separating or divorcing.
Option 2: GIVE IT SOME TIME
Cindy (not her real name) was anguished over her choice to stay with her husband, who had recently been caught having an affair with a coworker. Her usual self-confidence seemed to abandon her, leaving her in tears as she wrestled with the fear that she had become the kind of pathetic, weak woman she used to criticize.
In the twenty-plus years of their marriage, she had frequently warned her husband that their marriage would be over if he ever cheated on her. No second chances. But she did not follow through on her repeated threats when it happened.
Is waiting an act of weakness or an act of love? It depends. Suppose a betrayed spouse remains in the relationship because they fear being alone, because they believe they need their spouse in whatever condition they can have him/her, or because there is too much shame in a broken marriage. In that case, the choice is not a healthy one.
But suppose the partner remains because the history of the marriage/relationship and family holds enough value worth salvaging. Maybe they want to be part of their partner's healing, or perhaps the choice to stay is most consistent with the kind of person they desire to be. In those cases, it is a choice of strength.
Here's the problem: In an affair crisis, both partners may experience wide swings in their awareness of what they want. The involved partner often feels caught between not being ready to relinquish the marriage and longing to be with the affair partner. The betrayed partner can feel both repulsion and attraction to their spouse.
The intensity of this emotional confusion often leads them to wonder, Am I going crazy? It is a constantly changing environment, not a context in which permanent life choices should be made.
If you've recently found out about an affair, take time before making final decisions regarding your relationship. Get counseling. Set boundaries between you and your spouse if they are still caught in some sort of affair confusion.
Do whatever you need to ensure your safety (relationally, physically, and financially), and wait two or three months before making any decision to end your relationship. Focus on clarifying what it means to be whole and healthy, then make your choices.
Option 3: STAY NO MATTER WHAT
Let me start by addressing one concern raised by many of my clients who struggle with the choice to stay or leave their marriage in the context of religious expectations.
I was raised in a Christian family to believe in the permanence of marriage. The words 'til death do us part are meant to be a sacred vow, not just a statement of optimistic hope. I learned that "God hates divorce," reinforcing the expectation that once a person committed to marriage, they were in it for life. Many betrayed spouses, raised with these (or similar) convictions, feel guilty about leaving their spouse. Choosing to walk away from their marriage means disappointing God, the church, or their family. They are too hurt to stay but too ashamed to go.
This is an unnecessary trap. Yes, the bible states that "God hates divorce." But there are things that God seems to hate even more than divorce, and adultery is one of them. If your spouse has had an affair, God doesn't require you to stay in your marriage (Matthew 19:4-9). You have a choice.
Is it ever healthy for a person to remain married to a spouse who continues in infidelity? Perhaps, if their choice is based on grounded inward principles (not shame-driven), if they accept that the behavior of the spouse may not change (not manipulative), and if they can be content with their choice despite the circumstances (not resentful). Few people, in my experience, are capable of doing this.
Normally, when betrayed spouses sense no real changes in their wife/husband, I encourage them to set healthy boundaries in the relationship and then determine a reasonable date by which they expect to see some movement toward healthy change. This date becomes a line in the sand. It can be adjusted to an earlier or later date, but it is kept private. They should contemplate their course of action, deciding what to do if they reach that line and nothing has improved. At that point, they may stop considering how to work on a healthy marriage since their partner is no longer cooperating. Instead, they move away from the marriage to work on becoming a whole and healthy individual.
Each time I sit across the room from a marriage that is bleeding from the deep wounds of an affair, I long to help them find a way toward recovery. The goal is not to return to what they had before but to something even better. But while I always try to point toward hope, I promise to be honest with them. I wish they all could stay together. For some, the better choice will be to leave.
How can I get my partner to break off contact with the lover without demands or ultimatums?
Let me consider this question from the perspective of three different scenarios.
The first scenario is when the wayward spouse claims to be in love with the affair partner.
In the second scenario, the unfaithful partner is ambiguous or uncertain about whether or not they are ending the relationship with the affair partner. Perhaps they even deny that an affair exists, but they are still unwilling to give up the relationship.
In the third scenario, the unfaithful partner claims that the affair has ended but continues to have contact with the affair partner at work or in social situations.
Scenario 1: A partner who claims they are in love with the affair partner.
Your instinct will be to argue with your partner, attempting to reason them back toward "sanity." If you do, your efforts will be ineffective. An unfaithful spouse caught up in an emotional attachment will not be convinced that their "love" isn't real. It's very real to them.
Instead of trying to change their mind, change yours. Accept that you cannot be responsible for your spouse's choices, but you can be responsible for your own. State your case to them honestly and clearly, then focus on the healthy steps you need to take. In the long run, taking control of your life will have a more positive impact on your spouse than efforts to control theirs.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Refuse to debate the issue. You, standing on the side of reason, may have the clarity that your partner is lacking, but you are the last person to convince them of it. They likely consider you as part of their problem, not their solution. Your carefully crafted arguments will pop like water balloons against their formidable defenses. You won't win the debate, so don't even try.
Acknowledge their feelings. I'm not suggesting that you accept or approve of your wayward spouse's "love," but recognize they may be experiencing something that feels so much like love there is practically no difference. In psychological terms, we call this limerence. Limerence is a state of mind resulting from a romantic attraction that typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies, characterized by a longing to have one's feelings reciprocated by the person they desire.
What they feel is probably shallow and temporary, but why argue if they claim their love is deep and eternal? Since you stand outside their experience, your denials of it will either be ignored or attacked.
Choose to take a perspective like this: I know what you're experiencing is real to you, so I won't waste time trying to talk you out of it. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to make sense of it because of our history, because of the person I thought you were, and because it's hard for me to understand how healthy love can be so willing to hurt others. But this is something you'll have to figure out on your own. I need to take care of myself.
Make smarter choices than your spouse is making.
If you start letting emotions dictate what is "right" for you to do (attack, beg, control, manipulate, etc.), you will get sucked into a dysfunction similar to your spouse's. You have the choice to either focus on changing your spouse or changing yourself. Don't waste energy by attempting to change what is out of your control.
Scenario 2: A partner who remains uncertain about their intent.
Demands and threats are the strategies most often used to stop a partner's contact with their lover, but while they may result in short-term success, the long-term efficacy is usually disappointing. If your partner wants to reconnect with their affair partner, then putting outside pressure on them to "make" them stop can have two consequences:
If they lack the inward motivation to change, they will resent your demands. They may go along with your requirements for a while, but their resentment will likely grow, and contact with the lover may be renewed with greater secrecy.
If you do somehow manage to control circumstances enough to keep your partner away from their lover, then you have made the decision for them. Even if the affair ends, they may struggle with thoughts of "what if,” comparing your relationship to the affair relationship. This increases the chances for an eventual re-ignition of the affair, vulnerability to another future affair, or growing disinterest in your relationship.
The question How can I get my partner to break contact? assumes that you should try to get your partner to do something. That's the wrong focus. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior; you're responsible for yours.
You must be very honest in letting your partner know how this has affected you and what you are unwilling to accept. These things should be stated with the recognition that they are free to make whatever choices they want, but you will need to do the same. Whether you give them some time to figure things out or move quickly to establish boundaries, the motive for your choice needs to be centered on self-control, not partner control.
Scenario 3: A partner who claims to have ended the affair but has ongoing contact with the affair partner in work or social situations.
In this scenario, the unfaithful partner often expects the betrayed partner to stop feeling insecure and simply trust their ongoing encounters with the former lover. The betrayed partner can't do this. Realizing the risk of ongoing contact, the betrayed spouse will continue to experience stress. If trust is going to be restored, it will require willing change by the unfaithful partner.
You can read more about this in my response to the question about ongoing contact with an affair partner.
I want to know the truth about the affair. What questions should I ask?
Think about it this way: If the affair is a picture, then you need to see its frame (the boundaries of the affair: its start, its end, its extent, etc. See sample questions below.), and you also need to see enough to be able to identify it. You don't need a level of detail that comes from examining every specific aspect of the affair.
Don't be consumed by the need to know everything. You need adequate information, not exhaustive information. You need enough detail to allow you to move toward forgiveness and healing while avoiding those things that will be unnecessary reminders of the affair in the future. I've never had a spouse come to me after recovery and say, "I sure wish I'd ask more details," but I've had many admit that they wish they hadn't insisted on knowing everything.
Questions to avoid asking, at least at the beginning of the healing process:
1. WHY questions.
Even though you may feel a strong need to understand all the reasons for the affair, you are unlikely to get satisfactory answers to WHY questions at this point. There are a few reasons for this:
Your spouse or partner has very limited self-awareness of all the motives at play. Since insights are limited, they cannot provide adequate responses to why questions, even if they want to.
Even if they could give you a clear and complete explanation of the influences that empowered their infidelity, it would likely not be satisfying to you now since they do not diminish the reality that, in the end, they made a choice without regard for you.
There may be issues in your relationship that contributed to a vulnerability to the affair. This does not mean you are to blame or that they had an excuse; it simply means that some of these issues may be significant in explaining some of the why questions. However, because this sounds like blaming, your partner may not be ready to discuss these things now, and you are unlikely to be prepared to hear them without becoming defensive.
2. Questions that would provide answers you might eventually regret knowing.
There are questions that, although they seem important in trying to gain a full understanding of your spouse's affair behavior, may cause you more grief once you know the answer. Remember, you cannot "unhear" an answer once it is given. I usually discourage questions that link the affair memory to specific places, events, behaviors, etc., since these tend to become constant reminders in years ahead. Avoid details that allow the affair to sink its hooks any deeper into your consciousness, especially specific details about sexual behaviors. Don't give the affair that kind of power. You can always ask more questions later if you want to.
3. Questions your spouse cannot answer.
You will have many questions about your recovery that your spouse cannot answer. You will have to work through these yourself, hopefully with help and support from others, including your counselor. Questions that fall into this category include: How can I learn to trust you again? How can I stop thinking about your affair? Why do I feel guilty? What am I supposed to do with all my anger?
A Sample List of Questions
Note: If possible, seek the help of a trusted person to be with you both during the question-and-answer process. This is an essential part of the process, but most couples need someone to help keep them on track because emotions are so raw and defenses are ready. A trusted counselor can provide significant benefits to you at this point.
Questions about the beginning of the affair.
How did you meet?
Who "crossed the line" in your relationship first?
Were you sexually involved? If so, around when did you first have sex? (You don’t need a specific date/time/place.)
Questions about the progression and extent of the affair.
Where did you get the money to pay for the affair? Approximately how much did you spend?
Did you go places socially? (You don’t need to know where.)
Did you buy each other gifts? Do you still have anything that was given to you?
Does the affair partner know anything private about our family or me? If so, what?
How often did you communicate? What are all the ways you communicated (text, phone, email, Facebook, etc.)?
How often did you meet?
In a rough range, how many times did you have sex?
Questions about the ending of the affair.
When was the last time you had sex?
When was the last time you had any contact with them?
Do they still want to be with you? Still trying to contact you?
Questions about current thinking & behavior.
Have you been tested for an STD? Are you willing to be tested?
Do you still struggle with wanting to be with the other person?
Are you currently attracted to anyone else?
What are the reasons for wanting to be with me?
What will you do if they to contact you again?
Do you have any reminders of the affair (letters, emails, cards, pictures, songs, gifts, souvenirs, etc.)? If so, are you willing to get rid of all of them?
What will you do to help me feel safe with you? To assure me that I do not need to fear that you are lying to me again?
Is there anything else I haven't asked that you need to tell me? (Any past lie that needs to be corrected? Any important detail that hasn’t been disclosed?)