How can I compete when the Affair Partner seems better than me?
You've got to be very careful here. It's only natural to compare yourself to your partner's lover in an attempt to understand WHY this happened, but the truth is you are not in competition with that person. The real competition here is between your partner's view of the affair relationship and his/her view of your marriage (or relationship). But the problem is that these views are inaccurate, even though your partner is convinced they are right.
An emotional shift has occurred. Everything your partner experiences in the affair is interpreted with a positive bias. It is a way of thinking that will not last, even though they are likely convinced it will.
Alternatively, your partner's thoughts about your relationship are interpreted with an opposite, negative bias. Even their belief about the history of your marriage has likely changed in ways you hardly recognize. The real battle is between these two twisted views.
Focusing on how you compare to the affair partner will lead you toward confusion, frustration, despair, or obsession. Don't allow the affair to have that kind of power. While it is appropriate for you to consider the role you played in your relationship, don't use the affair partner as a standard by which you measure yourself. It's a broken yardstick.
Years ago, betrayed spouse responded to this very question in our online forum. This is her excellent response:
Any questions that form a comparison or a competition (Was sex better? Was she prettier, thinner, smarter, wealthier? Did you enjoy talking with her more? etc.) are not necessary, in my opinion. I know why we ask them. The affair wounds our self-worth. It takes over like a monster.
I'd like anyone feeling the pain of those questions to try this exercise: Write down all your spouse's positive points, attractions, and best qualities. Then consider them and ask yourself if no one else is as good or better than them in those areas. Chances are there are many people in the world, or even people you know, who are more attractive, thinner, wealthier, better at sex, smarter, or more interesting than your spouse. Do you think less of your spouse because so many people are better than them at those things? Probably not.
This isn't about putting down your wayward spouse. It's about realizing marriage isn't a competition. You didn't marry them because they were "the best." You chose them because you loved them. They didn't marry you because you were the best but because they loved you. They didn't cheat because you got older, softer, too familiar, or because they found something better, or because you were lacking anything. They cheated because of something lacking in themselves.
If [satisfaction in a relationship] is about finding something better, trust me, they will never find it. Real long-term love will elude them forever. There is always someone better at something. Someone will always be younger, more attractive, or more educated. That doesn't make YOU any less. Marriage isn't about trading up for bigger, better, and newer models.
I wondered for a long time if the sex was better with the affair partner. Then one day, I realized I could probably have better sex with someone else. I just didn't. There were many men more attractive than my husband. I just didn't care because I was married. There were men smarter or more educated than my husband. Does that mean my husband was less than other men? No. He was just him. And I married him. I wasn't faithful because he was the best at everything. I was faithful because I chose to be and because I wasn't lacking something inside me that I thought could be filled with something on the outside.
Don't demean your worth with comparison questions. If you compare yourself to others, you can always find yourself lacking something. You don't have to be the best; just be the best you. The best you is worthy of love and honesty and faithfulness, and so much more.
My partner says they are done with the affair but still want to stay in touch with the affair partner. Should I be okay with that?
The Problem with Ongoing Contact with the Affair Partner
If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. I have never seen an exception to this. That is why nearly every affair recovery specialist suggests a swift and complete cut-off of all contact with the affair partner.
In the book, Surviving an Affair, Willard Harley states it this way:
"...there is no good reason for the unfaithful spouse to ever see or talk to the former lover. There should be absolutely no contact. In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues related to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover."
In Torn Asunder, David Carder writes:
"...the partners separate physically—move to different locations, change jobs, and so on… If such a decisive break is not made, the recovering [unfaithful partner] will be tempted to renew contact… Continually “running into” the partner damages the trust and refuels the anger of the spouse who is trying to forgive and rebuild."
An unfaithful partner who resists going to extraordinary measures to break all contact may be guilty of either wanting opportunities to encounter the former lover (even if they try to convince themselves they won’t cross “the line” again) or of failing to have empathy for the betrayed partner’s suffering.
Certain work or social settings may complicate the separating process, but decisions must be made out of a consideration for what the relationship needs. The necessary choice is often not an easy one. Unfaithful partners committed to making things right may still struggle with the sacrifice required. But sacrifices need to be made to protect a betrayed partner from having to accept conditions that feel dangerous.
What can be done? If you want relief from the stress of ongoing contact between your partner and the other man/woman, one of these relief strategies must be followed.
Strategies for Relief
Strategy 1: Do whatever is necessary to break all contact.
The quickest relief to this stress is realized when the affair partner willingly accepts responsibility for making whatever change is needed to end all contact with the former affair partner. When a spouse/partner realizes that severing all ties is the only realistic way to alleviate fears and re-establish trust, they should move quickly and decisively toward changes necessary to accomplish that separation.
This will often require sacrifice. To save their marriage, I have seen couples make these kinds of changes in an attempt to ensure no more contact:
Selling a home and moving to another location.
Quitting a job or changing vocation.
Stepping away from certain friends or social circles.
Ending participation in hobbies, recreation, events, or organizations they previously enjoyed (or finding new, safe ways to experience them).
Walking away from financial investments.
Why go to such extraordinary measures? Are such dramatic changes necessary if the affair has ended and promises have been made never to start it again? In most cases, yes, for two reasons.
1. Ongoing contact makes it too easy for the affair to start again.
Intentions to end an affair are usually strongest just after it has been disclosed or discovered. The unfaithful partner often works overtime to ensure the relationship has ended and will never start again. They may be sincere in their intent.
But recovery is a rough process. The betrayed partner will have significant needs and may express disappointment, confusion, sadness, or anger for weeks or months. Contact with the affair partner during this time will make comparisons inevitable: Things were so much easier in the affair. Why should I work so hard at something that makes me feel so miserable? Once this sentiment is expressed to the affair partner, the door opens to that relationship again. Whether the affair was sexual or emotional (or both), its promise of renewed relief is a strong enticement to anyone in such a vulnerable place.
I encourage a “do whatever it takes” approach to ending contact in nearly every affair scenario, but there is one condition in which it is mandatory. If the affair was emotional (feelings of love) and if it was discovered (not ended on its own or confessed), then ongoing interactions between the affair partners will almost certainly result in the continuation of their relationship.
2. Ongoing contact causes repeated harm to the betrayed partner.
Here is a sentiment I have often heard expressed by an unfaithful partner: “The affair is over, so you need to let it go. Your insecurity is driving us both nuts. I’ve said I’m sorry and told you it’s over, so you just need to trust me.”
They say this as though they believed they would be capable of this kind of blind trust if the situation were reversed, but this is never true. The betrayed partner will feel unsettled and fearful whenever circumstances enable ongoing contact between two affair participants.
This is not the betrayed partner’s fault. They did not cause this trauma; they are a victim of it. And as long as the danger of ongoing contact remains, they will struggle to move toward forgiveness and trust.
Breaking all contact is an act of loving commitment. It demonstrates the sincerity of the unfaithful partner. It provides a safe context for healing affair wounds and nurturing relationship bonds.
This “break all contact” strategy should be followed if possible, but I understand why there may be exceptions. Sometimes there are legal considerations (for example, when the unfaithful partner owns the business where the affair partner is employed). Sometimes a tremendous financial risk is not worth taking due to family needs, including medical. And the desire for complete separation might not feel as necessary (in a work setting, for example) if the affair ended years ago but was only recently disclosed. Whatever the reason, if both partners agree that some degree of ongoing contact may be necessary, then the focus should shift to implementing the second strategy.
Strategy 2: Work together to reclaim that “space” for your marriage/relationship.
Suppose the affair partner remains present in a work or social setting from which the unfaithful partner cannot immediately separate. In that case, the couple should work together to send clear messages that their marriage/relationship is secure and off-limits to others. Every attempt should be made for the betrayed partner to feel welcomed and wanted in the places (work or social settings) touched by the affair.
Steve had a 7-month affair with a co-worker in a respected marketing firm. After discovering the affair, Judy, his wife, agreed that he should not leave his job. But she clearly explained that for her to feel secure about his time at work, he needed to be more intentional about making her feel invited.
They discussed this during one of their counseling sessions. At first, Steve resisted the idea of his wife visiting him at the office. His caution, it seemed to me, did not stem from a desire to protect the affair relationship but from a real concern about whether this mixing of work and marriage would seem inappropriate to co-workers. He also feared that Judy’s insecurity might cause her to show up too often and interfere with his job.
Judy didn't back down. She explained that she would have difficulty trusting him if she remained excluded from his workplace. Steve agreed to make the necessary changes. Here are some of the ways this couple used office visits as part of their recovery:
Judy had a new photo taken of the two of them, put it in a frame, and gave it to Steve as a gift of hope, asking him to keep it on his desk.
Twice a week, Judy brought food to the office so they could spend lunchtime together.
Steve committed to showing appropriate but open expressions of affection to his wife in front of others (welcoming her with a hug, holding her hand, saying “I love you,” etc.)
Steve agreed to welcome unannounced visits or phone calls from Judy. Judy agreed to refrain from constant interruptions and to respect Steve’s need to do his work.
Judy agreed to avoid any confrontation with the other woman at the office. (On one visit, the other women was in the hallway outside the office as Judy arrived. Judy stopped next to her, looked at her, smiled, then walked into Steve’s office. Nothing else needed to be said.)
As time went on, the office lunches became less frequent. They still meet for lunch but usually go to a nearby cafe. Steve’s workplace feels safer to Judy, and Steve has learned that he can trust her to respect the attention his job demands.
Working with an ex-lover is a vulnerable situation. A betrayed partner knows this instinctively. They cannot wish the danger away or pretend it doesn't exist. The remedy for reducing their stress is either to leave the dangerous environment (Strategy 1) or to regain a sense of control and comfort in the environment (Strategy 2). But what if the unfaithful partner is unwilling to make the changes required for either of these strategies? Sadly, then, the betrayed partner will be left to save him/herself with Strategy 3.
Strategy 3: Exit the unsafe environment on your own.
Let me restate the problem: If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even if it is due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. There should be no expectation of diminishing stress while two affair partners have ongoing contact in an environment that excludes the betrayed partner.
A person in this situation should realize that their stress is not due to their inability to cope. On the contrary, their stress is a natural response to risk. Sometimes the only way to alleviate the fear is by removing themselves from the danger. Separation from their partner may be necessary.
I am mindful that, to some people, the cost of separation seems too great; leaving the relationship simply feels like trading one problem for another. The financial or emotional burden of separating may be too much, so the choice between "bad or worse" keeps them stuck until something shifts. It is a decision that each individual must carefully consider. Still, if there is any reasonable way to separate, even for a little while, my encouragement would be to do so.
Before moving to this option, I encourage the betrayed spouse to make a final attempt at clearly communicating their need and intent. The message may sound something like this:
Your affair hurt me more deeply than you can understand. You've witnessed some of that pain, but you may never understand how hard this has been. Your betrayal cut deeply, more than any other wound I've felt.
I still love you. I still want to be with you. But what I need is a relationship that is healing. If I can ever hope to trust you again, I need to feel safe with you. And I need to know you WANT me to feel safe with you.
I cannot feel safe while you are still in contact with [the affair partner]. I just can’t. If you are not willing to make the changes needed to help me forgive and trust you again, then I need to leave. Remaining in this stressful situation is not good for my emotional or physical health.
Will you help me?
If this plea evokes no change, then the betrayed spouse should consider leaving, either permanently (including divorce) or temporarily (until circumstances change).
An Audio Reponse
How can I get my partner to break off contact with the lover without demands or ultimatums?
Let me consider this question from the perspective of three different scenarios.
The first scenario is when the wayward spouse claims to be in love with the affair partner.
In the second scenario, the unfaithful partner is ambiguous or uncertain about whether or not they are ending the relationship with the affair partner. Perhaps they even deny that an affair exists, but they are still unwilling to give up the relationship.
In the third scenario, the unfaithful partner claims that the affair has ended but continues to have contact with the affair partner at work or in social situations.
Scenario 1: A partner who claims they are in love with the affair partner.
Your instinct will be to argue with your partner, attempting to reason them back toward "sanity." If you do, your efforts will be ineffective. An unfaithful spouse caught up in an emotional attachment will not be convinced that their "love" isn't real. It's very real to them.
Instead of trying to change their mind, change yours. Accept that you cannot be responsible for your spouse's choices, but you can be responsible for your own. State your case to them honestly and clearly, then focus on the healthy steps you need to take. In the long run, taking control of your life will have a more positive impact on your spouse than efforts to control theirs.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Refuse to debate the issue. You, standing on the side of reason, may have the clarity that your partner is lacking, but you are the last person to convince them of it. They likely consider you as part of their problem, not their solution. Your carefully crafted arguments will pop like water balloons against their formidable defenses. You won't win the debate, so don't even try.
Acknowledge their feelings. I'm not suggesting that you accept or approve of your wayward spouse's "love," but recognize they may be experiencing something that feels so much like love there is practically no difference. In psychological terms, we call this limerence. Limerence is a state of mind resulting from a romantic attraction that typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies, characterized by a longing to have one's feelings reciprocated by the person they desire.
What they feel is probably shallow and temporary, but why argue if they claim their love is deep and eternal? Since you stand outside their experience, your denials of it will either be ignored or attacked.
Choose to take a perspective like this: I know what you're experiencing is real to you, so I won't waste time trying to talk you out of it. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to make sense of it because of our history, because of the person I thought you were, and because it's hard for me to understand how healthy love can be so willing to hurt others. But this is something you'll have to figure out on your own. I need to take care of myself.
Make smarter choices than your spouse is making.
If you start letting emotions dictate what is "right" for you to do (attack, beg, control, manipulate, etc.), you will get sucked into a dysfunction similar to your spouse's. You have the choice to either focus on changing your spouse or changing yourself. Don't waste energy by attempting to change what is out of your control.
Scenario 2: A partner who remains uncertain about their intent.
Demands and threats are the strategies most often used to stop a partner's contact with their lover, but while they may result in short-term success, the long-term efficacy is usually disappointing. If your partner wants to reconnect with their affair partner, then putting outside pressure on them to "make" them stop can have two consequences:
If they lack the inward motivation to change, they will resent your demands. They may go along with your requirements for a while, but their resentment will likely grow, and contact with the lover may be renewed with greater secrecy.
If you do somehow manage to control circumstances enough to keep your partner away from their lover, then you have made the decision for them. Even if the affair ends, they may struggle with thoughts of "what if,” comparing your relationship to the affair relationship. This increases the chances for an eventual re-ignition of the affair, vulnerability to another future affair, or growing disinterest in your relationship.
The question How can I get my partner to break contact? assumes that you should try to get your partner to do something. That's the wrong focus. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior; you're responsible for yours.
You must be very honest in letting your partner know how this has affected you and what you are unwilling to accept. These things should be stated with the recognition that they are free to make whatever choices they want, but you will need to do the same. Whether you give them some time to figure things out or move quickly to establish boundaries, the motive for your choice needs to be centered on self-control, not partner control.
Scenario 3: A partner who claims to have ended the affair but has ongoing contact with the affair partner in work or social situations.
In this scenario, the unfaithful partner often expects the betrayed partner to stop feeling insecure and simply trust their ongoing encounters with the former lover. The betrayed partner can't do this. Realizing the risk of ongoing contact, the betrayed spouse will continue to experience stress. If trust is going to be restored, it will require willing change by the unfaithful partner.
You can read more about this in my response to the question about ongoing contact with an affair partner.