I can't stop obsessing about the affair. How do I stop?
Note: This issue is covered in fuller detail in the article, Obsessive Focus After Betrayal: Breaking Free from Intrusive Thoughts. What follows is a summary of that article.
One of the most common struggles after discovering infidelity is the obsessive focus that follows. Betrayed partners often feel stuck in loops of thought—mental reruns of the affair, unanswered questions, or imagined scenes playing out in vivid and painful detail. Even when they want to move forward, the mind keeps circling back, searching for something to hold onto.
This isn’t just overthinking—it’s a form of trauma. When betrayal happens, the brain responds much like it would to any sudden, life-altering event. It becomes hyper-focused, scanning for danger, replaying memories, and trying to make sense of what feels senseless. These responses are normal and even protective, but if left unchecked, they can become traps that prevent healing.
In my full-length article, Obsessive Focus After Betrayal, I describe this experience through a metaphor: a man sitting in a theater, watching the same painful film day after day, hoping for a different ending. He hates the story, but he keeps buying a ticket. That’s what obsessive focus can feel like—reliving what you hate because you don’t know how to stop.
But there are ways out. The article presents eight practical strategies to help interrupt intrusive thoughts, establish healthy boundaries around difficult conversations, and start forming new emotional habits. These include structured journaling tools like the Flip Journal™, trauma-informed techniques like EMDR, and exercises like crafting a “sleep story” to ease nighttime anxiety. Each is designed to help shift your mental focus from reactivity to recovery.
One key idea is that obsessive thoughts often lose power when we respond to them differently. Instead of resisting them with panic or shame, we can learn to say, “This fear isn’t a cage—it’s a cloud I’m walking through.” That shift in perspective can soften the intensity of a trigger and help you continue moving forward.
The article also explores how repeated conversations about the affair, while often needed at first, can become counterproductive if they dominate the relationship. I suggest establishing boundaries for conversations about affairs and suggest following the guidelines provided in a companion article that outlines how couples can transition from truth-telling to repair.
If the past still dominates your thoughts, the work of forgiveness and letting go may be calling. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, minimizing, or reconciling. It means releasing your grip on a past offence that is hurting you. As Lysa TerKeurst writes, “The more our pain consumes us, the more it will control us. And sadly, it’s those who least deserve to be hurt whom our unresolved pain will hurt the most.”
You are not stuck forever. You are not powerless. And even if you can’t hear it yet, healing is calling out to you.
My spouse refuses to answer my questions about the affair. Don't I have the right to know?
Yes, you have the right to know. In my opinion, you need your spouse's complete honesty for at least three important reasons:
You can't effectively navigate through affair recovery if you're in the dark. Your spouse may have many reasons for not wanting to tell you about the affair (protecting themself, protecting the affair partner, protecting you). But unless you understand the reality of his/her experience, it will be impossible for you to move forward together. Telling the truth is like turning on the light in a dark hallway. You probably won't like what you see, but at least you identify the obstacles and make informed choices.
Honesty about the affair is your spouse's first step toward earning your trust. Their affair was built with lies and secrets. By not telling the truth, your spouse is insisting that you trust him/her with these secrets. But trusting is the last thing you are capable of right now. Your trust can't be rooted in thin air; it requires your spouse's honesty about their betrayal.
It is difficult to completely forgive if you do not know the extent of the offense. To forgive, you do not require exhaustive detail, but you need an accurate measure of the affair: how long it lasted, who was involved, how far it went, etc. Failure to hear the truth inhibits your ability to offer (or their ability to receive) complete forgiveness.
Let me be clear about one thing: Stop trying to force your spouse to tell you the truth. If you find yourself begging or threatening your spouse, you may eventually wear them down enough to tell you some additional information, but this forced confession usually won't satisfy you for very long because you will feel the need to dig for more. As long as they resist, you'll keep hammering away until you uncover another nugget of "truth.” But this process only wears both of you out and certainly doesn't help rebuild your relationship.
You need the confidence of knowing that your spouse is willing to be honest about the affair by their own choice. You will not be satisfied by forced confession. Your spouse's willingness to be honest with you will be a strong indicator that they are truly invested in making things right with you. If they're not ready to do that yet, be very clear about your need for the truth and ask them to devise a plan for moving forward (that includes honesty). This is where the help of a good counselor can be of great benefit to you both. And, in my opinion, if your spouse remains unwilling to give you truthfulness, you are at great risk if you choose to move forward in your relationship with him/her.
Why won’t they tell?
In my experience, a person is rarely willing to tell the whole truth about their affair after they've been caught. Usually, they will either only admit to what has been discovered (the truth almost always includes more than that) or they will hand out the truth in little pieces, bit by bit (referred to as "trickle-truth" by one frustrated client), leaving you constantly wondering how much more is left to find out.
Why don't they just come clean and get it over with? Your spouse's motives may be mixed but likely fit into four general reasons. Let me define the reasons and provide my perspective on each.
Reason 1: They want to protect the affair.
Just because someone has been caught in an affair doesn't mean the affair is over. If the affair has been going on for a while or if your spouse has an emotional investment in the other person, they may not be ready to end the relationship. Giving you too much information hinders their ability to continue the affair or start it up again.
The error of this reasoning is obvious. If you are reading this, you are already aware of the fact that the affair is the enemy of your marriage. Your marriage is at high risk as long as your spouse protects the affair. If they cannot join you in making your marriage a one-and-only priority, then you should waste no time in trying to trust them again.
Reason 2: They want to protect the other man/woman.
Even if the affair has ended, your spouse may still have lingering feelings for their ex-lover. The fact is (and you may not want to hear this), they may love him/her. Though they may sincerely desire to work on the marriage and move past the affair, they still care about the reputation and well-being of the other person, and so do not want to reveal anything that will cause harm to them.
This is a typical place for many people to be after an affair. If a strong emotional connection developed between your spouse and the other person, it is unreasonable to expect those feelings will simply disappear. But if your spouse is genuinely committed to the healing of your marriage, these emotions will eventually take their proper place.
However, let me be very clear: despite any affection or love your spouse may feel for the other person, they must love you more. They must be less concerned about protecting that person and more about protecting you. You need assurances. You need truthfulness. They must be willing to risk the other person's hurt to invest in your healing. You both need a good counselor to help ensure that responsible choices are being made in this regard, and you should be committed to not harming the other man/woman.
Reason 3: They want to protect themselves.
Acquiring the label of "Cheater" is not a proud moment for anyone. Tremendous guilt/shame will accompany any admission of their affair behavior. Nobody wants to feel that way! They will want to minimize their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so they don't appear so bad. They know there is a risk that any new information might (a) be held against them in the future or (b) be communicated to other people, including family and friends, which would only increase their shame.
From your perspective, maybe it doesn't matter; they've brought this on themselves, so they need to accept the consequences. But check your motives. Do you want to know the truth to use it against them? Stop. Let your motive for knowing the truth be for your healing, not your spouse's punishment. Seek the truth so you can make your choices regarding forgiveness and trust, not so you can accuse them more.
However, I also believe that even though your spouse may be afraid of the consequences, they should still risk being honest. Their affair behavior was based on their wants and needs; now it's time for them to consider you and your marriage more than themselves. They need to risk honesty.
Reason 4: They want to protect you.
Since the discovery of an affair, it may be hard to believe that your spouse has any concern for you at all. But most people caught in an affair do not want to inflict more damage on their spouses. They believe that by hiding hurtful information, they are protecting their spouses.
There are rare occasions when this might be a valid choice (e.g., the health of the spouse or unique family circumstances). But usually, it is not. You are more concerned with "Can I trust you?" than all the questions about the affair. Most betrayed spouses I work with tell me they are willing to work through the pain of the truth as long as they believe they're no longer being lied to.
Tell your spouse, "If you are trying to protect me, stop. I know it will hurt if you are completely honest with me. I'll probably react, maybe even get angry. But I can get over that. I can't get over being lied to. I'm asking you to trust me with the whole truth. I promise you that I will listen and do my best not to attack you. And I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, I intend to work toward forgiving you."
By the way, forgiving them is not the same as trusting them. You want to promise that you will not use the truth as a weapon against them in the future, but you probably cannot promise trust until you've had more time to determine whether or not you are safe with them. Their honesty is a necessary first step towards that.
An Audio Response
I want to know the truth about the affair. What questions should I ask?
Think about it this way: If the affair is a picture, then you need to see its frame (the boundaries of the affair: its start, its end, its extent, etc. See sample questions below.), and you also need to see enough to be able to identify it. You don't need a level of detail that comes from examining every specific aspect of the affair.
Don't be consumed by the need to know everything. You need adequate information, not exhaustive information. You need enough detail to allow you to move toward forgiveness and healing while avoiding those things that will be unnecessary reminders of the affair in the future. I've never had a spouse come to me after recovery and say, "I sure wish I'd ask more details," but I've had many admit that they wish they hadn't insisted on knowing everything.
Questions to avoid asking, at least at the beginning of the healing process:
1. WHY questions.
Even though you may feel a strong need to understand all the reasons for the affair, you are unlikely to get satisfactory answers to WHY questions at this point. There are a few reasons for this:
Your spouse or partner has very limited self-awareness of all the motives at play. Since insights are limited, they cannot provide adequate responses to why questions, even if they want to.
Even if they could give you a clear and complete explanation of the influences that empowered their infidelity, it would likely not be satisfying to you now since they do not diminish the reality that, in the end, they made a choice without regard for you.
There may be issues in your relationship that contributed to a vulnerability to the affair. This does not mean you are to blame or that they had an excuse; it simply means that some of these issues may be significant in explaining some of the why questions. However, because this sounds like blaming, your partner may not be ready to discuss these things now, and you are unlikely to be prepared to hear them without becoming defensive.
2. Questions that would provide answers you might eventually regret knowing.
There are questions that, although they seem important in trying to gain a full understanding of your spouse's affair behavior, may cause you more grief once you know the answer. Remember, you cannot "unhear" an answer once it is given. I usually discourage questions that link the affair memory to specific places, events, behaviors, etc., since these tend to become constant reminders in years ahead. Avoid details that allow the affair to sink its hooks any deeper into your consciousness, especially specific details about sexual behaviors. Don't give the affair that kind of power. You can always ask more questions later if you want to.
3. Questions your spouse cannot answer.
You will have many questions about your recovery that your spouse cannot answer. You will have to work through these yourself, hopefully with help and support from others, including your counselor. Questions that fall into this category include: How can I learn to trust you again? How can I stop thinking about your affair? Why do I feel guilty? What am I supposed to do with all my anger?
A Sample List of Questions
Note: If possible, seek the help of a trusted person to be with you both during the question-and-answer process. This is an essential part of the process, but most couples need someone to help keep them on track because emotions are so raw and defenses are ready. A trusted counselor can provide significant benefits to you at this point.
Questions about the beginning of the affair.
How did you meet?
Who "crossed the line" in your relationship first?
Were you sexually involved? If so, around when did you first have sex? (You don’t need a specific date/time/place.)
Questions about the progression and extent of the affair.
Where did you get the money to pay for the affair? Approximately how much did you spend?
Did you go places socially? (You don’t need to know where.)
Did you buy each other gifts? Do you still have anything that was given to you?
Does the affair partner know anything private about our family or me? If so, what?
How often did you communicate? What are all the ways you communicated (text, phone, email, Facebook, etc.)?
How often did you meet?
In a rough range, how many times did you have sex?
Questions about the ending of the affair.
When was the last time you had sex?
When was the last time you had any contact with them?
Do they still want to be with you? Still trying to contact you?
Questions about current thinking & behavior.
Have you been tested for an STD? Are you willing to be tested?
Do you still struggle with wanting to be with the other person?
Are you currently attracted to anyone else?
What are the reasons for wanting to be with me?
What will you do if they to contact you again?
Do you have any reminders of the affair (letters, emails, cards, pictures, songs, gifts, souvenirs, etc.)? If so, are you willing to get rid of all of them?
What will you do to help me feel safe with you? To assure me that I do not need to fear that you are lying to me again?
Is there anything else I haven't asked that you need to tell me? (Any past lie that needs to be corrected? Any important detail that hasn’t been disclosed?)
How long should I keep asking questions about the affair?
No established rules exist for how long any specific recovery step should take. Every situation is different, as are the participants in the process. But here is a truth: it is healthy to move intentionally toward ceasing all conversation about the past affair. Getting to this point takes time: months for most betrayed spouses. But if there is a joint commitment to move forward in the marriage, there needs to be a point at which you decide that conversations about the past are no longer necessary.
I don't mean that you should pretend it never happened or that you can never speak of the affair again. The betrayed partner will continue to feel pain for years and needs to be honest about expressing that pain. But those conversations can focus on the present and future without reverting to more questions about the past.
Here's the truth:
You'll never have a 100% understanding of the affair.
Getting answers to questions about the affair is necessary, but the knowledge learned by the betrayed spouse should focus on the information that helps gain an understanding of the meaning of the affair, not all of the facts of it. In my experience, 90% of all important information is learned quickly once the betrayed spouse commits to honesty. The other 10% won't make a difference in the recovery process. (And if the betrayed spouse still isn't committed to honesty after months, you have a different problem.)
Most betrayed spouses should start letting go of questions before they feel ready. I know some people promote a "ask as much as you want for as long as you want" perspective, and many times they're the same ones who encourage a betrayed spouse to "be as angry as you want for as long as you want." I disagree with both sentiments. Yes, you need to ask questions; lots of them. Yes, you need to express your anger honestly, in its entirety. But if you do not move intentionally beyond those two things, you can stay stuck too long... perhaps forever.
So, what should you do?
Since first writing my response to this question, I’ve expanded my answer into a complete article. You should read it: When Is It Time to Stop Talking About the Affair? But let me summarize it here:
Together, plan for a Truth Talk when everything that feels unresolved gets discussed. Instead of trying to have a Q&A every time you feel the pressure to bring it up again, be intentional. The injured partner considers all necessary questions that need to be asked, and the involved partner reviews the facts and timeline of their affair so they come prepared to provide full, honest answers to whatever questions are asked.
Then, start intentionally reducing conversations about the facts of the affair. Stop asking questions that have already been answered. As new questions arise, write them down and give them some thought before discussing them. The goal is to practice a new level of self-management as you gradually reduce the frequency of these talks.
Declare when you have a final conversation. At some point, maybe soon, you should decide to stop asking any more questions about the who, what, when, and where facts of the affair. From that point on, only talk about the issues of the present (including the ways the affair might still be triggering certain emotions) and the future.
Can I ever really trust my spouse again?
The rebuilding of trust takes time. Your spouse broke a promise to you and inflicted a deep wound. He/she needs to repay the damage by exerting great effort in earning back your trust. At first, you'll probably suspect and question every little thing, but in time, if they continue to live openly and honestly, you'll find a growing list of items that are of no real concern to you anymore.
Likely, you'll always have a new sensitivity to potential "red flags" in your spouse's behavior. That's not a bad thing. But if your spouse remains open, transparent, and accountable, you can eventually learn to trust again.
Is there a risk in choosing to work on restoring your marriage? Yes. Could you be hurt again? Yes. Whether or not you should take that risk is a question only you can answer. In some cases, I would counsel a client NOT to take that risk. But in many cases, the willingness to be vulnerable enough to work on reconciliation is a choice born out of strength, not weakness.
Is it possible to forgive without trusting my spouse?
In my experience, many people confuse forgiveness with trust. They're not the same. Forgiveness says, "I let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I will act according to the belief that you will not let me down."
There are circumstances in which I may genuinely forgive someone but never trust them again. For example, I can forgive a business partner for stealing money from the account but choose not to risk working with him any longer. I can forgive a babysitter who failed to guard them against an injury but never ask them to provide childcare again.
My counseling work focuses on helping couples navigate through the affair recovery process. I find that many couples have a faulty understanding of forgiveness. Here are two of the common misconceptions:
FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offending spouse should expect a quick return to "life as normal," including no more questions about the past or expectation of accountability in the future.
FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offended spouse must choke down concerns or questions about their partner's current and future behavior since real forgiveness means forgetting. These are lies.
Even when forgiveness is given, trust must still be earned. Forgiveness opens a pathway to trust in an affair, but it does not guarantee that the couple will find their way to it. The person who had an affair and wants to rebuild their marriage must be willing to take extraordinary measures to earn a spouse's trust again. The willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.
The person who has been betrayed should understand that learning to forgive, at some level, will be an important step toward their healing and recovery. But the process of forgiveness is separate from the process of learning to trust a spouse again. The good news is that genuine trust can be restored over time.
The image below lists some of the differences between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness focuses on past offenses, while trust focuses on present and future risks.
Forgiveness requires letting go of justice (willingness to stop demanding recompense), while trust required letting go of control (willingness to be vulnerable).
Forgiveness is necessary for both personal and relationship healing, but trust is not required for personal healing. For some, the choice NOT to trust is a healthier one.
You can fully forgive someone and never trust them again, but you cannot fully trust someone if you have not forgiven them.
Also Recommended: Can There Ever Be Real Trust After Betrayal? (article)
Should I make my partner go to counseling?
If your partner says they want to stay in your marriage/relationship, you should ask them to attend counseling but only insist on 2 or 3 sessions. After that, let them know it's up to them whether they continue, and then be careful not to guilt them into continuing if they choose against it. Continued counseling with someone who doesn't want to be there is fruitless—a waste of time and money.
Asking them to come to a few initial sessions is reasonable because they may discover it's not as bad as they thought it would be. Maybe they'll even find a measure of hope that things can change.
Here's what you can do to encourage a more favorable reaction to counseling:
Invite them to be part of the process of choosing a counselor.
Choose a counselor who is experienced and is known for making people feel comfortable in therapy.
Clearly state that you are only asking your partner to commit to a few sessions, and then they are free to decide whether or not they will continue.
Make sure you don't use counseling as your chance to criticize your partner constantly. As much as you might want to vent in those early sessions, be willing to listen and learn. A good counselor will guide the process.
If your partner refuses counseling, ask them to devise a plan for both of you. Make it clear that you require more than "let's just forget what happened and move on." Alternatives to counseling include support groups, couples retreats, books (see my recommended affair recovery books), or mentoring by a couple in a healthy relationship.
If your partner simply refuses to take the lead (or, at least, actively cooperate) in the healing process, you should question the future stability of your relationship. In my experience, the best indicator of successful affair healing is the willingness of the involved spouse to actively participate in activities that lead to positive change.
How long will it take our relationship to heal?
Probably longer than you think. Unfortunately, many couples try to shortcut the recovery process. Once the affair is confessed and an apology is made, these couples attempt to move ahead with "life as usual," even though the confession is only the beginning of recovery and restoration. More is required if full healing (a return to trust and deep connection) is to be realized.
The "recovery takes as long as the affair lasted" principle that has some general truth, but recovery time is different for every couple. The point of the statement is primarily for the unfaithful partner, who often feels like the work is done once a confession has been made. They need to understand that they've lived the experience for however many weeks, months, or years the affair went on. The betrayed spouse is only starting to process that reality, and it will take a LONG TIME to finish that work.
Here's the expectation I usually present to couples:
Start measuring from the point of full confession or last contact with the affair partner, whichever was most recent. That's you're zero-mark. (If new revelations or contacts occur, the clock starts over again.)
Even for short affairs (brief sexual encounters or something lasting a few days or weeks), it will probably be at least 6-12 months before you feel somewhat stable in your marriage. If the affair was longer (repeated contact or a history of infidelity), you can expect it to be at least 18-24 months before reaching that same stability... maybe even longer. This assumes that BOTH PARTNERS ARE INVESTED IN RECOVERY. If not, the kind of stability that results in renewed trust and intimacy will never be reached.
The affair is never forgotten. Years from now, something will trigger its memory, and the pain of it will be felt again. But they do the work, pain will eventually pull them together for comfort rather than push them apart.
The road to recovery is difficult. You'll have to endure a lot of pain to get to the other side. Your partner must exercise patience and care to help you get there. You'll have good days, bad days, and really bad days, but as time goes by, you will discover that the bad days diminish and the good days increase.
See Also:
The affair broke our marriage; now I am alone. Is my life ruined?
I sent the following response to a client (woman in early 50's) who was stuck in hopelessness, heading toward divorce while her husband headed off with the other woman.
Debbie,
Your whole marriage, you traveled in a certain direction with a pretty good idea of what the journey would be like and where the road would take you. You didn't see what was coming. You've arrived at a place in the road where the bridge is washed out and you can't on. You didn't destroy the bridge, but the deed is done and your old plans are ruined. To make matters worse, Matt is driving away in another direction with someone else.
I think you want to believe that this catastrophe has ruined your life. The bridge is gone and you have no hope of going any further down the road. And so you make the best of where you are, remembering (with longing and regret) what the trip had been like up to this point, and looking hopelessly across a deep chasm that you can never cross.
If you believe this is what you deserve... if you believe that this is all you can hope for... if you believe that others who survived similar disasters only did so because they didn't have it as bad as you or because they must be better than you... you will probably stay here for a very long time.
Fact: Your life has changed. Dramatically so.
Fact: You will continue to face hardships and consequences.
Fact: This is not the end of your story.
Fact: The way you experience life from this point is up to you.
Notice, I didn't say "what" you experience, because you've already learned life throws curve balls you never expected. But you get to choose how you are going to react.
Debbie, there have been many people who have said some rather silly things to you just because they didn't know better. But there have also been those (like me) who have encouraged you to consider more hopeful perspectives. You seem to not like hearing that, but I don't think the message is wrong... I think you are not ready to move yet.
There are other roads to take. Good ones. No, they're not like the one you were on, but you don't know what you'll find until you travel down them. Believe it or not, there are good things down those roads. In fact, there may be wonderful things you would have never experienced otherwise.
I want you to find your road, too. I want you to believe in hope. But it doesn't matter how much I want it for you; you have to want it for yourself.
That's why I asked you those questions the other day: What do you want to feel? How do you want to experience life? If you know what you want, I can help you move toward those things.
Tim