How long should I keep asking questions about the affair?
No established rules exist for how long any specific recovery step should take. Every situation is different, as are the participants in the process. But here is a truth: it is healthy to move intentionally toward ceasing all conversation about the past affair. Getting to this point takes time: months for most betrayed spouses. But if there is a joint commitment to move forward in the marriage, there needs to be a point at which you decide that conversations about the past are no longer necessary.
I don't mean that you should pretend it never happened or that you can never speak of the affair again. The betrayed partner will continue to feel pain for years and needs to be honest about expressing that pain. But those conversations can focus on the present and future without reverting to more questions about the past.
Here's the truth:
You'll never have a 100% understanding of the affair.
Getting answers to questions about the affair is necessary, but the knowledge learned by the betrayed spouse should focus on the information that helps gain an understanding of the meaning of the affair, not all of the facts of it. In my experience, 90% of all important information is learned quickly once the betrayed spouse commits to honesty. The other 10% won't make a difference in the recovery process. (And if the betrayed spouse still isn't committed to honesty after months, you have a different problem.)
Most betrayed spouses should start letting go of questions before they feel ready. I know some people promote a "ask as much as you want for as long as you want" perspective, and many times they're the same ones who encourage a betrayed spouse to "be as angry as you want for as long as you want." I disagree with both sentiments. Yes, you need to ask questions; lots of them. Yes, you need to express your anger honestly, in its entirety. But if you do not move intentionally beyond those two things, you can stay stuck too long... perhaps forever.
So, what should you do?
Since first writing my response to this question, I’ve expanded my answer into a complete article. You should read it: When Is It Time to Stop Talking About the Affair? But let me summarize it here:
Together, plan for a Truth Talk when everything that feels unresolved gets discussed. Instead of trying to have a Q&A every time you feel the pressure to bring it up again, be intentional. The injured partner considers all necessary questions that need to be asked, and the involved partner reviews the facts and timeline of their affair so they come prepared to provide full, honest answers to whatever questions are asked.
Then, start intentionally reducing conversations about the facts of the affair. Stop asking questions that have already been answered. As new questions arise, write them down and give them some thought before discussing them. The goal is to practice a new level of self-management as you gradually reduce the frequency of these talks.
Declare when you have a final conversation. At some point, maybe soon, you should decide to stop asking any more questions about the who, what, when, and where facts of the affair. From that point on, only talk about the issues of the present (including the ways the affair might still be triggering certain emotions) and the future.
