Can It Take Too Long to Get Over an Affair?
Written by Tim Tedder. Note: The examples used in this article are based on real client experiences, but have been changed in ways to protect confidentiality.
My previous article, Getting Over an Affair Too Quickly, addressed the danger of trying to fast-forward through the painful work of recovery. When couples skip the deeper, more difficult work, they often set themselves up for unresolved hurt and recurring mistrust.
But that raises another question: Can it take too long to get over an affair? The answer is yes, but maybe not for the reason you think. The problem isn’t a certain number of months or years on the calendar. It’s whether the relationship has stopped moving toward healing.
Neglect can be just as damaging as haste. Imagine a plant has been left vulnerable — insects are left to gnaw at its leaves while toxins seep into the soil from a nearby rusted paint can. No matter how much time passes, this plant won’t flourish unless someone removes the threats and nurtures the environment.
In the same way, recovery after an affair can stall or even wither if harmful influences remain and no intentional effort is made to create a safe, healing space. Some couples show up to a session still locked in the same cycle of anger, defensiveness, and distance that began years ago. Others still feel pain at times, but they’re more connected and more honest than they’ve ever been.
Time alone doesn’t heal; it’s the care given along the way that makes growth possible. Seeing progress, even though the work isn’t finished, sustains a sense of hope.
Why Recovery Time Varies So Widely
Every affair story is unique, so recovery never follows a standard timeline. Some couples regain stability in a year; others take several years to rebuild trust and intimacy. Many factors influence that journey:
Past wounds. If the Injured Partner has a history of abandonment, abuse, or previous betrayal, even from childhood, the current pain often reopens old wounds. The emotions feel bigger, heavier, and more tangled than if this were the first betrayal they’d ever known. And the betrayal feels even deeper if the Involved Partner was aware of those past wounds but decided to risk further injury anyway.
One of the first questions I usually ask a betrayed partner is about their personal history. If they carry a wound from past hurts, it will be essential to point out to both partners how this will impact their experience of the recent betrayal.
Length of deception. An affair that lasted a few months is still deeply hurtful, but it doesn’t carry the same accumulation of lies as one hidden for years. The longer the deception, the more layers of mistrust have to be peeled away, and more history will be re-examined in a desperate attempt to determine “what was real.”
There is no universal formula for measuring the depth of betrayal pain. Depending on circumstances, someone who was betrayed by a partner’s one-night stand may struggle more than another whose partner had multiple affairs. But generally, the amount of time spent in secrecy and betrayal will have a direct impact on how much effort will be required for healing.
How the truth came out. Some couples face the entire truth in one painful conversation, which at least sets a clear starting point. Others endure “trickle truth,” where damaging new details drip out over time. This stop-start approach reopens the wound every time it begins to scab over. Whether the Involved Partner is withholding information out of self-protection or with an intent to shield their partner from further pain, that choice is usually a hindrance, not a help, to affair recovery.
Craig’s story provides a good example of one person’s growing realization of the need to commit to complete honesty. In his words: “I thought I'd been doing damage control by not admitting to certain things about my affairs. I knew the truth would hurt her more, so I didn't want to admit to some things. I was so used to lying, it felt like I didn't even know how to tell the truth. For a while, I was constantly correcting myself... saying something one day and then calling her up the next to say I'm sorry for lying and then telling the truth.
“Being committed to honesty became empowering. It was easier just to admit the truth than to keep trying to control all the information. I eventually told her, ‘Okay, I'll make you this promise: I won't lie to you, but you won't always like what you get.’
“That was freedom. It felt like I could cut loose from all the bullshit and start focusing on making our marriage better.”
Trigger exposure. Being repeatedly confronted with reminders, due to an overexposure to details of the affair, can keep recovery in a constant state of re-injury. If I am invited into a couple’s recovery early enough in the process, I’ll make great effort to encourage the Injured Partner not to follow their instinct to uncover every possible detail they can about the affair, knowing that some knowledge will become more of a hindrance than a help.
Admittedly, this is one of my most difficult challenges in working with a new couple. I understand the felt “need” for the Injured Partner to know everything. I don’t have the right to tell them they can’t ask; that has to be their choice. But I go to great lengths to try and protect them from the future pain I’ve witnessed in countless victims.
Further down the path of the couple’s recovery, I don’t hear, “I sure wish I had asked for more details.” But I often hear, “I wish I didn’t know everything I know. Much of that information didn’t really help me, and now it keeps showing up in triggering recollections.”
Help received. Couples who seek timely help from an experienced counselor or coach tend to work through the pain more productively. Those who try to “go it alone” without guidance from a qualified affair recovery specialist often stay stuck in unhelpful patterns.
Believe me, I’m a prime example of thinking, “I can figure this out on my own!” Many of us are independent in that way. For me, at least, that determination is fueled by my resistance to being vulnerable or exposing my inadequacies. But we tend to be blind to our shortcomings and often won’t change without help.
Relationship health before the affair. If unhealthy patterns were already present (poor communication, unresolved conflicts, chronic disrespect), they must be addressed along with the affair. Ignoring them ensures that recovery drags on or stalls completely. By default, you cannot go back to a relationship that is somehow better than it was before the affair, not without putting in the necessary work required for change.
A few months after Jason’s affair, Susan complained that he wasn’t being open with her. She didn’t think he was lying, but she needed him to talk more, to be more emotionally open. I asked her, “Did he used to be that way, before the affair?” Her reply was quick, “No, not at all. I’ve always asked him to share more with me, but he’s never been very good at it.”
I pointed out that his affair didn’t magically equip him to be more vulnerable. In fact, it may be having the opposite effect. His healing will lead him down that path, eventually, but it will take time.
In another example, Nick complained that his wife didn’t give any indication that she would even forgive him. When asked how she responded to past offenses, he said, “Oh, she holds onto grudges forever. Her whole family is like that. They never let go of their anger once someone has caused any offence.
He cannot expect his wife to suddenly shift a pattern that has existed and been reinforced for a lifetime. But the hope (and need) is that she will recognize this as her part of the work needed for their relationship to heal.
Lingering contact with the affair partner. Even necessary contact, like working together, slows the process of repairing trust. It’s hard for a betrayed partner to feel safe while knowing the affair partner remains in their spouse’s daily life. This is always an issue, so great attention needs to be given to making every appropriate, necessary change to create physical separation from the affair partner.
Ongoing contact with the affair partner is always a problem. Ongoing contact with the affair partner is always a problem. Should I say it again?
I know there are circumstances in which (practically, financially, or legally) an immediate and permanent separation cannot be implemented. Still, the goal should be to do so as quickly as possible. The Involved Partner should take responsibility to make sure this is done, or it will remain an ongoing barrier to healing.
When the Involved Partner Slows Recovery
Sometimes, the reason recovery takes “too long” is because the involved partner hasn’t done what’s needed to rebuild trust:
Hiding things. Any ongoing deception, even about small matters, can reset the clock. Every new lie tells the betrayed partner, You still can’t trust me.
I understand the hesitancy to share more bad information. Still, in most circumstances, it is better to lay out the whole truth from the start so that honest choices can be made and, if there is a joint willingness to do so, the hard work of healing can move on without further surprises.
Dodging responsibility. Avoiding conversations, deflecting blame, or saying “I’ve already apologized” leaves the betrayed partner alone in their pain. Recovery requires a consistent willingness to engage. Betrayal is one of the deepest wounds a person can experience. Healing takes much time, requiring consistent effort from the betrayer to make things right.
Emotional distance. Some involved partners freeze when faced with their spouse’s strong emotions. Instead of leaning in with empathy, they back away, leaving the betrayed partner feeling even more abandoned. This is not usually done with the intent to cause more harm. More often, it’s just a reflection of patterns that existed before the affair. (This is especially true with men.) Learning how to be vulnerably empathic is an essential part of the change process.
No vision for change. Without a clear picture of the kind of person and partner they want to become and the type of relationship they want to help build, change remains surface-level and temporary. Recovery must be more than an effort to move away from the mess; it needs to be moving toward something new, since you will never be able to go back to the way things used to be.
Example: Mark swore the affair was over, but every few weeks, Sarah would catch him in another small lie, not about the affair itself, but about where he’d been or who he’d talked to. Each time, Mark would brush it off as “no big deal” and accuse her of being too suspicious.
But to Sarah, each lie felt like a confirmation that he still wasn’t safe to trust. His refusal to take complete responsibility for rebuilding trust left her feeling as if she were the only one doing the work. Over time, her hope for reconciliation began to fade.
When the Injured Partner Slows Recovery
The betrayed partner’s pain is valid. But certain mindsets can keep that pain alive longer than necessary:
Refusing to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing. It’s choosing to stop demanding that the offender keep paying for what they did. It’s important to recognize what completed forgiveness looks like and not confuse it with superficial forgiveness or forgiveness with attached conditions.
Clinging to victimhood. If you’ve been betrayed, you were a victim of an undeserved act. But victims have a choice to move out of victimhood or remain in it. The victim asks, Why me? The survivor asks, What now? Staying in victim mode prevents you from reclaiming your life.
As the author of Runaway Husbands puts it: “A victim mentality means that throughout your life you focus on the wrong things done to you, and this narrative of the injured self serves to garner sympathy and support from others. By definition, it means you believe you are powerless to improve your future.”
Withholding trust no matter what. If your partner is genuinely doing the work, refusing to risk trust will be a barrier to a restored connection. Bottom line: There can be no progress unless both partners are eventually willing to step into that vulnerable space required for healing.
Resisting self-reflection. The Injured Partner didn’t cause the affair, but a thriving future may still require them to address their own relationship patterns. In her TED Talk titled Rethinking Infidelity, Esther Perel makes this statement: “There are many ways we betray our partners. Sexual betrayal is only one way. The victim of an affair is not always the victim of a marriage.” Eventually, the Injured Partner must be humble enough to consider ways they can change to help build a better marriage.
Example: Two years after the affair ended, Emily was still working to show Greg her commitment. She’d cut off all contact with the other man, gone to counseling, and initiated regular check-ins about their relationship.
But Greg remained frozen in the early days of discovery. He reviewed old text messages every night, replayed the affair details in his mind daily, and refused to discuss their future.
“I don’t trust you,” he told her. “And I don’t think I ever can.” Emily wanted to keep trying, but it was clear that without Greg’s willingness to take some steps toward trust or explore ways to reconnect, they would remain stuck in limbo.
How to Know If It’s Been “Too Long”
The question isn’t: Has it been 6 months? 2 years? The real question is: Are we still moving forward?
Recovery can be slow, sometimes painfully so, but you should see signs of progress. Consider these pieces of evidence that a couple is working toward healing and change:
They explore and articulate their commitments to a shared relationship vision.
They experience more moments of connection and safety than they did before.
They both demonstrate a willingness to take risks, to be vulnerable, for the sake of intimacy.
Over time, the triggers are experienced less frequently and with less intensity.
They have more productive conversations, even if still emotional, than they did before.
There are no issues that are “off the table” for discussion. Even when they aren’t able to come to a common agreement right away, they talk about things openly with curiosity and respect.
After episodes of conflict or disconnection, they are getting better at considering their partner’s perspective, not just their own. Afterwards, they find ways to reconnect emotionally and physically.
When they feel stuck, they seek out resources to help them.
If you’ve been circling the same disappointments or conflicts for months without resolution, or if you’ve settled into a state of silence and disconnection, it’s time to examine what’s keeping you stuck and whether both partners are willing to do something different.
A Better Goal
Instead of trying to match someone else’s timeline, focus on the quality and consistency of your recovery efforts, even if it’s more complicated than you expected. Healing from an affair is like climbing out of a deep valley — it takes longer than you’d like, but every step moves you further along. If both partners keep moving forward with honesty, humility, and persistence, the view at the top will be worth the climb.
