Affair Fog: My partner's views and values have shifted since the affair started, but they claim they always felt this way. What's the truth?
It is not uncommon for spouses, family, and friends to be confused by the changes in thinking and behavior that take place in a man or woman who has an affair. “Affair fog” is label often used to describe this condition.
What is affair fog?
Affair fog is a term used to describe a cheater's altered state of mind while investing in an affair. It typically includes shifts in thinking, sometimes dramatic, in which the unfaithful partner views their marriage relationship in overly negative terms and views the affair relationship with exaggerated euphoria.
What causes the fog?
Several factors can contribute to this state, including:
The brain on a romantic high. Counselor and author Linda MacDonald writes: "Scientists have found that romantic highs are fueled by mood-lifting neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine. However, the strongest cause of your current euphoria is a hormone called phenylethylamine. This particular hormone is released during fresh infatuation and resembles the chemical makeup of morphine. These neurochemicals have distorted your sense of reality. You are, in essence, under the influence of drugs. Right now, you may think your eyes are finally open, and you feel more alive than ever. Yet you do not realize that your eyes are seeing through tainted lenses and your mind is in a hormone-driven fog. What seems like mental clarity and finding the love of your life is an illusion created by the chemicals in your brain. These neurochemicals feel so good they create a false contrast with your marriage. Only you don‘t know it yet."
Cognitive Dissonance. This term refers to the tension experienced when a person holds two beliefs that are inconsistent with each other. (For example: "I am a good person" and "I am a liar and a cheater.") When this happens, they attempt to rearrange their thinking to minimize the tension. (For example, a father who leaves his children to be with his lover will eventually convince himself that his children will be better off with a happy father following his passions.)
We use self-justification to eliminate cognitive dissonance. Here are a few quotes from the book, Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me:
"Most people, when directly confronted by evidence that they are wrong, do not change their point of view or course of action but justify it even more tenaciously. Even irrefutable evidence is rarely enough to pierce the mental armor of self-justification."
"Self-justification not only minimizes our mistakes and bad decisions; it is also the reason that everyone can see a hypocrite in action except the hypocrite. It allows us to create a distinction between our moral lapses and someone else’s, and to blur the discrepancy between our actions and our moral convictions."
"People strive to make sense out of contradictory ideas and lead lives that are, at least in their own minds, consistent and meaningful."
How do fog-walkers respond to arguments for clarity?
Confirmation Bias. This term refers to the tendency to give special attention to any information that confirms what we believe and minimize or ignore any information that contradicts what we believe. For example, once a person has justified their affair, they will actively look for additional evidence (no matter how weak it is) to support their opinions and perspective while ignoring evidence (no matter how strong) that stands against it. Once our minds are made up, it's hard to change them. Lord Molson, a British politician, once stated, "I will look at any additional evidence to confirm the opinion to which I have already come." That's confirmation bias!
Memory Distortion. One way to make us feel better about our current choices is by changing the story of our past. Many betrayed spouses have experienced this method of truth-shifting when their husbands/wives rewrite their marriage history, making it worse than it was. More quotes from Mistakes Were Made: "Self-serving memory distortion [is a way of] 'getting what you want by revising what you had.' On the larger stage of the life cycle, many of us do just that: We misremember our history as being worse than it was, thus distorting our perception of how much we have improved, to feel better about ourselves now." "False memories allow us to forgive ourselves and justify our mistakes, but sometimes at a high price: an inability to take responsibility for our lives."
Gaslighting. In an attempt to protect their unstable account of events, some will resort to a strategy of manipulation to confuse the betrayed spouse in such a way as to make them question their memory, even their sanity. This form of mental abuse is often referred to as “gaslighting,” a term derived from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife that she is insane by manipulating her experience of reality.
How should you respond to a spouse in the "fog"?
If your spouse is rewriting the story of your marriage to justify their affair choices, you must guard against allowing their new “truth” to alter history. Even if your marriage has no future, you should not allow the past to be stolen as well. Your spouse has changed, not your marriage.
List the strong evidence of the good parts of your marriage story. Start from the beginning of your relationship and consider the hard evidence (things like letters, cards, emails, pictures, a ring, gifts, videos, etc.) and soft evidence (memories, conversations, testimony of family & friends, etc.).
Choose one piece of evidence that stands out as a clear example of real connection and joy in your marriage story. Remind your spouse of it (by talking about it or writing it out). But whether or not they join you in remembering the past in this way, let these pieces of evidence give you confidence in the more certain truth of your history rather than their rewriting of it.
My spouse says their affair is over, but I don't know if that's true. What should I do?
It will be natural for you to question & doubt your spouse. There is no shortcut around the time it takes for trust to be re-established. Even if the affair is 100% over, you will likely still wonder, and many of your spouse's behaviors will seem suspicious to you, even if they are innocent.
You need reassurance. In my opinion, a betrayed spouse has the right to be reassured. Most find it impossible to blindly trust a new claim of honesty: "Yes, I was lying to you before, but you should believe me because I'm not lying to you now." Your spouse should willingly give you open access to his/her schedule, phone history, text messages, email accounts, etc. Any attempt to keep parts of their lives private will only work against your ability to regain trust. You may need to investigate your suspicions to settle your fears for a while. This shouldn't go on indefinitely, but it may be beneficial in the beginning stages of recovery to help you gain more confidence in your spouse's sincerity (or learn the truth about their insincerity).
Your spouse's pattern of behavior will tell you something. What if you don't have any hard evidence but still don't believe your spouse is telling you the truth? Then what does the "soft evidence" tell you? By soft evidence, I mean those behaviors that tend to be present in a spouse who is being truthful and is committed to restoring the marriage versus behaviors that are usually present in spouses who are not being completely honest or not wanting to assume their responsibility in the healing process. In my experience, this evidence indicates a spouse's sincerity and commitment.
Evidence of Sincerity and Commitment:
Remorse for hurting you (not just for getting caught).
Ongoing commitment to truthfulness.
Concern for your relief and comfort, not just their own.
Willingness to play a significant role in the healing process, to fix what they broke.
Evidence of Insincerity or Non-commitment:
Confessions are limited to what has been uncovered. (No confession of unknown wrongs until you find them out.)
Confusion, not clarity, tends to be the outcome of any discussion about "the truth."
Quick shifts to defensiveness and blaming when questions are asked about the affair.
The expectation that you do the major work in recovery rather than accepting that responsibility themselves. Examples: (1) Expecting you to provide a checklist for change ("Just tell me what you expect me to do.") that is reluctantly followed rather than willingly taking the initiative. (2) Leaving it up to you to fight for the boundaries that help you feel safe rather than voluntarily establishing new rules for outside relationships.
In the absence of evidence, you have to make a choice. What if every observable indication indicates that your spouse has been honest and is committed to rebuilding your relationship, but you still aren't sure you can believe them? In my opinion, it is better for you to act in belief. I mean that you should respond to your spouse as though they are telling you the truth (innocent until proven guilty). Is there some risk in this? Yes. Maybe they are being dishonest. But without evidence, I believe you are better off assuming they are being truthful rather than assuming they are lying. Let me explain why...
If we compare the likely outcomes of acting in belief versus acting in disbelief, I think the former encourages healing and avoids conflict more than the latter. Consider the potential possibilities:
If you choose to act in belief...
...and your spouse is being truthful, your response is seen as encouraging, trusting, and supportive and will reinforce the choices you want them to keep making.
...but your spouse is lying, then they will be doing what they were going to do anyway and eventually you'll find out, experience the pain of betrayal again (I don't mean to minimize that), and make appropriate choices. In the meantime, you will have avoided the "going nuts" routine of constant questioning, demanding, etc., that never works in your favor.
If you choose to act in disbelief...
...and your spouse is being truthful, they will become increasingly discouraged and may finally give up trying. If your spouse is being honest and making sincere efforts to change, being constantly accused of not changing will quickly deplete any hope they had in marriage recovery.
...and your spouse is lying, then all your accusing, arguing, and insisting will do nothing to change their behavior. It is more likely to make them more defensive and secretive. In this scenario, you can expect is ongoing conflict.
Here is the one exception to everything I've just said: If your spouse has always struggled with lying (even apart from the affair issues), you must be more cautious. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. However, past behavior does not guarantee future behavior. People really can change. If your spouse shows sincere, ongoing attempts to be honest with you, you will also have to eventually decide between the two options listed above (belief/disbelief), but it may take a bit longer to reach your choice.
See Also: Signs of a Real Affair Confession
My spouse refuses to answer my questions about the affair. Don't I have the right to know?
Yes, you have the right to know. In my opinion, you need your spouse's complete honesty for at least three important reasons:
You can't effectively navigate through affair recovery if you're in the dark. Your spouse may have many reasons for not wanting to tell you about the affair (protecting themself, protecting the affair partner, protecting you). But unless you understand the reality of his/her experience, it will be impossible for you to move forward together. Telling the truth is like turning on the light in a dark hallway. You probably won't like what you see, but at least you identify the obstacles and make informed choices.
Honesty about the affair is your spouse's first step toward earning your trust. Their affair was built with lies and secrets. By not telling the truth, your spouse is insisting that you trust him/her with these secrets. But trusting is the last thing you are capable of right now. Your trust can't be rooted in thin air; it requires your spouse's honesty about their betrayal.
It is difficult to completely forgive if you do not know the extent of the offense. To forgive, you do not require exhaustive detail, but you need an accurate measure of the affair: how long it lasted, who was involved, how far it went, etc. Failure to hear the truth inhibits your ability to offer (or their ability to receive) complete forgiveness.
Let me be clear about one thing: Stop trying to force your spouse to tell you the truth. If you find yourself begging or threatening your spouse, you may eventually wear them down enough to tell you some additional information, but this forced confession usually won't satisfy you for very long because you will feel the need to dig for more. As long as they resist, you'll keep hammering away until you uncover another nugget of "truth.” But this process only wears both of you out and certainly doesn't help rebuild your relationship.
You need the confidence of knowing that your spouse is willing to be honest about the affair by their own choice. You will not be satisfied by forced confession. Your spouse's willingness to be honest with you will be a strong indicator that they are truly invested in making things right with you. If they're not ready to do that yet, be very clear about your need for the truth and ask them to devise a plan for moving forward (that includes honesty). This is where the help of a good counselor can be of great benefit to you both. And, in my opinion, if your spouse remains unwilling to give you truthfulness, you are at great risk if you choose to move forward in your relationship with him/her.
Get the Answers You Need: I’ve created two online courses to help you have a conversation about the truth of the affair—Truth Talk: Asking Questions and Truth Talk: Giving Answers.
Why won’t they tell?
In my experience, a person is rarely willing to tell the whole truth about their affair after they've been caught. Usually, they will either only admit to what has been discovered (the truth almost always includes more than that) or they will hand out the truth in little pieces, bit by bit (referred to as "trickle-truth" by one frustrated client), leaving you constantly wondering how much more is left to find out.
Why don't they just come clean and get it over with? Your spouse's motives may be mixed but likely fit into four general reasons. Let me define the reasons and provide my perspective on each.
Reason 1: They want to protect the affair.
Just because someone has been caught in an affair doesn't mean the affair is over. If the affair has been going on for a while or if your spouse has an emotional investment in the other person, they may not be ready to end the relationship. Giving you too much information hinders their ability to continue the affair or start it up again.
The error of this reasoning is obvious. If you are reading this, you are already aware of the fact that the affair is the enemy of your marriage. Your marriage is at high risk as long as your spouse protects the affair. If they cannot join you in making your marriage a one-and-only priority, then you should waste no time in trying to trust them again.
Reason 2: They want to protect the other man/woman.
Even if the affair has ended, your spouse may still have lingering feelings for their ex-lover. The fact is (and you may not want to hear this), they may love him/her. Though they may sincerely desire to work on the marriage and move past the affair, they still care about the reputation and well-being of the other person, and so do not want to reveal anything that will cause harm to them.
This is a typical place for many people to be after an affair. If a strong emotional connection developed between your spouse and the other person, it is unreasonable to expect those feelings will simply disappear. But if your spouse is genuinely committed to the healing of your marriage, these emotions will eventually take their proper place.
However, let me be very clear: despite any affection or love your spouse may feel for the other person, they must love you more. They must be less concerned about protecting that person and more about protecting you. You need assurances. You need truthfulness. They must be willing to risk the other person's hurt to invest in your healing. You both need a good counselor to help ensure that responsible choices are being made in this regard, and you should be committed to not harming the other man/woman.
Reason 3: They want to protect themselves.
Acquiring the label of "Cheater" is not a proud moment for anyone. Tremendous guilt/shame will accompany any admission of their affair behavior. Nobody wants to feel that way! They will want to minimize their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so they don't appear so bad. They know there is a risk that any new information might (a) be held against them in the future or (b) be communicated to other people, including family and friends, which would only increase their shame.
From your perspective, maybe it doesn't matter; they've brought this on themselves, so they need to accept the consequences. But check your motives. Do you want to know the truth to use it against them? Stop. Let your motive for knowing the truth be for your healing, not your spouse's punishment. Seek the truth so you can make your choices regarding forgiveness and trust, not so you can accuse them more.
However, I also believe that even though your spouse may be afraid of the consequences, they should still risk being honest. Their affair behavior was based on their wants and needs; now it's time for them to consider you and your marriage more than themselves. They need to risk honesty.
Reason 4: They want to protect you.
Since the discovery of an affair, it may be hard to believe that your spouse has any concern for you at all. But most people caught in an affair do not want to inflict more damage on their spouses. They believe that by hiding hurtful information, they are protecting their spouses.
There are rare occasions when this might be a valid choice (e.g., the health of the spouse or unique family circumstances). But usually, it is not. You are more concerned with "Can I trust you?" than all the questions about the affair. Most betrayed spouses I work with tell me they are willing to work through the pain of the truth as long as they believe they're no longer being lied to.
Tell your spouse, "If you are trying to protect me, stop. I know it will hurt if you are completely honest with me. I'll probably react, maybe even get angry. But I can get over that. I can't get over being lied to. I'm asking you to trust me with the whole truth. I promise you that I will listen and do my best not to attack you. And I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, I intend to work toward forgiving you."
By the way, forgiving them is not the same as trusting them. You want to promise that you will not use the truth as a weapon against them in the future, but you probably cannot promise trust until you've had more time to determine whether or not you are safe with them. Their honesty is a necessary first step towards that.
An Audio Response
My spouse says they love me but are not in love with me anymore. How can I get them to love me again?
You can't. The harder you try to make your spouse love you, the more they will resent you and move away from you.
It is common for an affair spouse to make the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" declaration during or after an affair. It is one of the most common phrases I hear. I understand your deep desire to be wanted but don't get caught in a cycle of desperate attempts to make them love you again. Their failure to love you has more to do with their deficiencies, not yours.
The best thing you can do is invite your spouse back to your marriage and then leave him/her to their choice while you figure out how to move in healthy directions for you and your family.
Suppose your partner's uncertainty causes them to disengage from you or threaten to return to the affair. In that case, the best thing you can do is honestly and clearly communicate what you want ("I love you, and I want this relationship to work..."), establish your boundaries ("I will not cooperate in a relationship where I am sharing you with someone else..."), and set your spouse free to make his/her choices. You cannot control what they do. The harder you try, the more certain the failure will be.
The only way genuine love will return is in the context of respecting you. The question they struggle with needs to shift from whether or not they want to stay with you (the question they ask when they are in control of your responses) to whether or not they want to lose you (the question they ask when you are in control of your responses).
Many couples get stuck in this place of confusion and indecision. If they don't find their way out of this state, they will likely do more damage to their marriage or relationship. Your partner may need to find help in moving through their next choices, but you cannot force them to get help or make their choices for them.