Affair healing Blog
"I'm ready to give up this hurt..."
A few nights ago, I came across another documentary that relates to affair healing issues. In her self-filmed documentary, A Way to Forgiveness, Erin takes a 550-mile pilgrimage across northern Spain in an attempt to find healing from the hurt of her impending divorce.
Here's what she says in the beginning of the film as she prepares for the trip: "I'm ready to stop crying every day. I'm ready to not collapse as I walk through the house. I just fall to the ground and sob from the pain. I'm ready to give up this hurt. I'm ready to, hopefully, find find a way to forgive the person who I trusted the most and ended up betraying me. I'm ready to pack my bags and just walk. I'm ready."
It is a story of pain, grief, confusion. It is one woman's spiritual journey (Erin's Catholic faith is important to her), although I'd recommend it to anyone who has been betrayed even if they do not share her faith. It is one person's search for healing and forgiveness. Some of the things she experiences and learns along the way will be helpful to anyone who shares her struggle.
The video is currently available on Amazon Prime video (and can be watched for free if you are a Prime member). For information on other viewing options, go to http://awaytoforgiveness.weebly.com/click-to-watch.html.
Last weekend, a clicked on a documentary that showed up on recommended watch list, expecting to be inspired by a story of one man's triumph over adversity. Charged: The Eduardo Garcia Story.
Charged was that, but so much more. It was also a story of infidelity, of family wounds, of the purpose of our lives. The documentary can be rented using most services, but is currently streaming for free on Amazon Prime Video if you happen to have an Amazon Prime account.
In my work with men and women who have had affairs and are confused about what it means to live a meaningful and fulfilling life, we often discuss the difference between lives motivated by doing (meeting expectations, satisfying others, doing the right thing) or getting (attaining outward goals, achievements, satisfaction) and why those legitimate motives should be secondary to a focus of being (the story we tell with our live, who we are and who we are becoming).
If you had an affair in your past, I would recommend watching this documentary. The traumatic event in Eduardo's life can be seen as a dividing point in his life experience. Think about this division as the Eduardo Before and the Eduardo After. Some things will remain constant in the before and after; some things will change. After you watch the video, consider these questions:
We usually expect our marriage to last a lifetime. What starts with promises of faithfulness and endurance, we believe, will survive any challenge "for better or for worse." Most marriages do; some even thrive. But many die in ways never anticipated.
When the death of a marriage is a mutual choice between two partners, grieving its loss may be a short-term process. The decision to end their relationship often follows a period of prolonged suffering, making divorce feel like relief. Similar to a funeral, partners make the appropriate arrangements, pay their final respects, bury the marriage, and move on with their lives.
But a marriage killed by betrayal is not so easily mourned.
A word to those of you who've had an affair...
I met with a couple who were desperate to determine whether or not their marriage was salvageable. She had recently discovered evidence of repeated sexual communications with other women over the past year and suspected there might be more to the truth. While speaking privately with me, he admitted a history of unfaithfulness in previous relationships and expressed a desire to break this pattern once and for all. In the counseling session, he told her the same thing.
Her response was full of wisdom, expressed in a way that I'd never quite heard before. Here's how their conversation went.
I begged God to help me get through the grief. He was so good to comfort me and to restore my hope as I prayed. Before I knew it, I was going about life again and even enjoying it. I would begin to find my rhythm and to embrace the life I had come to know that included the big A in it, only to be slammed up against [a] wall again within a matter of days because something triggered my crushed heart and made it start bleeding again.
Unless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site and its resources.