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Affair healing Blog

Withholding Forgiveness As Punishment

8/22/2017

 
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Photo Credit: klaus626 Flickr via Compfight cc
As pointed out in an earlier post, a self-focused apology (one in which "I'm sorry" is just a way to get out of an uncomfortable situation, not bring any true relief to the offended person) is seldom satisfying to the recipient. But forgiveness-seekers aren't the only ones who can sap the power out of forgiveness. Forgiveness-givers can be selfish, too.

I hesitate when it comes to pointing out the shortcomings of an offended person. After all, why should anything be required of a victim? Shouldn't the offender carry the full responsibility for making things right?

And in the case of an affair, shouldn't the cheater be expected to do all the work of fixing the marriage?
Yes... if the only concerned is for justice or recompense. If there is hope for healing, however, there must be a place for grace and compassion. Genuine forgiveness requires the offended spouse to consider the offender's burden of shame and give them permission to let go of it. 

I hear the objections: What if the offender doesn't ask for forgiveness? What if there is no remorse? What if the offender isn't even around anymore? What if the offense was huge (extreme abuse, acts of violence, etc.)? Those are fair questions that demand thoughtful consideration, but this article deals with a very specific condition: the need for forgiveness in intimate relationships. Intimacy requires forgiveness, and forgiveness requires compassion.

Compassion doesn't come easily when we are hurt by someone we love. The more natural reaction is to continually attack or retreat until we believe the offender feels enough remorse. But there is a risk of staying stuck in those self-protective responses, especially when the wound is deep. In response to our pain, we may limit our vulnerability by requiring ongoing penitence without offering hope for pardoning. We punish by withholding our forgiveness.

I often point to the example of a married couple came to see me because they had been unable to move past the affair that the husband had 10 years ago. I was the latest in a series of counselors they had seen. After a few sessions, it became clear that the wife had no intention of granting forgiveness to her husband. Despite the fact that he had confessed, repented, and never returned to that behavior again, she continued to focus on his betrayal. Her unforgiveness allowed her to stay in control and minimized the risk of being hurt again. But they were miserable; their marriage was full of conflict and void of intimacy.

I finally asked her, "What could your husband say or do that would allow you to begin moving toward forgiveness?"

She just stared at me, expressionless, and finally said, "Nothing, because he can't undo the past." At least she was being honest, but her marriage was doomed.

Let me be very clear about this point: I believe it is wrong to push a betrayed spouse too quickly toward forgiveness. Forgiving out of obligation is not satisfying. (I remember the silent animosity I felt as a young boy when, after fighting with my sister in the back seat of the car, my parents made me hold her hand.) Outward compliance that masks inward resentment is fake forgiveness.

If there is a desire for the restoration of the marriage on the other side of an affair, the betrayed spouse will need to eventually grant real forgiveness. The healing process breaks down when this doesn't happen. Instead of giving the message, I'm willing to let go of this and leave it in the past, the hurt spouse communicates any of the following: 
  • Withholding forgiveness is a good way to punish you.
  • I'll let you know when you've done enough to earn my forgiveness.
  • Forgiving you just gives you the right to hurt me again.
  • I'll forgive, but I won't forget... and I'll keep reminding you of that.
  • In future conflicts, reminders of your affair are fair weapons for me to use against you.

Is it okay to want to see contrition? Of course! Can it take time to truly forgive? Absolutely, and deep hurts often take more time to heal. But consider your partner's relief, not just your own. Don't stay stuck in the pain. Find your way to the freedom of "I forgive you."
Zoe
8/23/2017 11:06:15 am

I find myself in this situation. It has been three months since I found out my husband had been having multiple affairs. I chose to stay and work things out. When I ask questions he conveniently forgets details. When I have triggers I try to remain quiet and not "punish" him but I try to deal with it on my own. Two nights ago he kept pushing me to talk even though I was upset. I told him my thoughts. I think he's still doing stuff. I have no proof so he eluded it was all in my head and that I'm just looking for an excuse to leave. So I told him that he can't handle the ups and downs of my emotions in the aftermath of this. He expects me to just be quiet and move on so I will leave. It's not what I wanted but I'm tired of being made to feel bad for having emotions about his affair. I'm trying to handle things the best way I can but I guess it was not good enough.

FieryPhoenixx
9/7/2017 04:49:50 pm

I've been in this so called recovery phase five years now. He's lied and half stepped in ways that only a Lifetime Movie could portray.
He's played "Catch Me if You Can" better than Leo DiCaprio!
I realized that although certain outside behaviors seem different... I'm not feeling him anymore.
You can do ALL the right Things, but if the Heart isn't in it...your spouse will know especially after being punk'd secretly for 3 decades.
I despise him.
Today, God helped me to realize that's as far in his" recovery" that he's willing to go because of the pain even after five years of hurting me with his fancy fence riding!
It's his right. And my heart is broken to accept the truth that IF he's ever the man I can love again....it will be TOO LATE!
If you've know ALL THE DEVIOUS DETAILS to Our Story...you'd wonder how I'm standing. I've got to release him moment my moment because the PTSD related trauma has destroyed my immune system and I'm dependent on him financially!!
It's too early in the game for many here after just a few weeks or months. Lord, knows I can't make up my mind after years...I guess because he was my high school sweetheart (so I thought).
He's been cheating throughout the ENTIRE relationship. I found out in 2012...porn/sex addict and we have three children with special needs.
I raised them while he worked 12-16 hour days for years.
I've got to let go. I sense bitterness and hatred taking root in me because of his emotional, sexual, and financial abuse towards me.
It's time to change the dance 💃🏾

BBG
9/8/2017 10:41:08 pm

I relate to your story so well. For me, healing is something we have to allow ourselves to go through, for ourselves, our children, and for our relationship with our God. Since finding out about his affair, I prayed that God would help me use this time of separation and hurt to grow me...please dont let all of this pain be in vain.
Its been almost a year, and the dishonesty and other women continued up until a few weeks ago, I had to pull back and decided to protect my heart, and finsih the legal seperation that I started.
Like you, I have worked with my husband for 8 years, he made all the decisions for our finances, and bullied me for many years with financial abuse, canceling my bank cards, and taking my name off of accounts, turning off my phone, changing passwords to all of our accounts whenever he felt angry with me. I had nothing in my name, it seemed he held all the cards. But our God is good, and He see's what is being done to us. I saw a few years earlier during our first separation because of a battery charge that my God will not forsake me. So Im now in the middle of this legal battle as well, and Im asking for what is fair, but no matter what happens I know Im going to make it.

You can trust in our God, more than you can the court system. I hope its okay to mention a website...I found Michael Crisswell on Relentless Heart, a website with excellent audio/videos, they are on you tube as well. He talked about his divorce and what he went through and how God sustained him through out the whole hurtful situation. How he went from abundance to nothing in his pockets, but how he kept God first and he shares all about what he has learned from that experience. Check it out if you have some free time.

I just said a prayer for you...keep going after God, keep Him first and rebuke that bitterness in the name of Jesus!

BBG
9/13/2017 01:19:59 pm

Hi FieryPhoenixx,

I might have heard your story on Open Care, and your need to separate, detach and heal, but with concern for your financial situation ...I think I heard you say your from GA too? I lived there for 50 years and will be moving back soon I hope. So if I may, just offer a reminder that the courts in GA are very likely to side with you if you pursued a more legal detachment. Sometimes it's the only thing that husbands (like ours) will even stop to listen to, and after living with so much turmoil and dishonesty for so long, it was the only thing that helped me detach from him emotionally.
I live in a "no fault" state now, we just moved here 2 years ago, and financially and emotionally he knows he has me in a vulnerable place. Ga is still a state that it matters to the court what caused the divorce - for that reason, you could file for a legal separation then an emergency temporary order that will give you (almost) immediate court ordered support, visitation for him, and any other kind of support you may need. There are free legal sites that will help you compose the paperwork, or may offer discounted rates for attorneys. I think you said he filed bankruptcy, but that doesn't keep him from earning an income I wouldn't think. In any case if he is the primary breadwinner and you have children, then he will need to continue his support. I know all that is easier said than done...but I just wanted to remind you that your fortunate to be in a state that you have options that would be in your favor.
I love this quote I found recently, "you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice " ❤️ Prayers for you and yours...Stay Strong

Coco
8/24/2017 03:30:23 pm

You write: "At least she was being honest, but her marriage was doomed."

If I identify strongly with the woman you are referencing, does that mean my marriage is similarly doomed? We are not 10 years out--for us it has only been 6 months, but I feel the same.

I find it highly unlikely that I will ever be able to forgive him for the affair. For the incredibly deep pain he has brought into my life. I'm still so frequently haunted by reminders of things he did with and said to her. I feel like my husband died the day I found out. The man I am married to is not the man I thought I knew.

I no longer feel admiration or respect for him. I no longer can take pride in my marriage. I no longer have the deep satisfaction of "knowing" he is a good person--one who would protect me and who wouldn't betray me.

I'm constantly mourning the loss of those feelings. There is an emptiness inside of me where romantic love used to reside. An emptiness that sits like a cold stone near my heart, that aches like a deep hunger.

I still feel a deep sense of care for him, as I would anyone I had known for so many years, but the passion has been extinguished. I am staying with him because when I loved him, I REALLY loved him. The affair completely blindsided me. I have memories of what that love felt like, and I'm not ready to give up on those memories yet. But my present is nothing like my memories. And I see no path to take me there. I see no path to forgiveness.

I had told him before we got married that infidelity was the one thing that I could not tolerate in our marriage. That I knew myself well enough to know that even if I wanted to move past it, wanted to forgive him, that I wouldn't be able to.

And, still, this is what he chose to do. How do you forgive someone who knows your biggest fear and biggest weakness and proceeds to disregard that knowledge and do it anyway?

*sigh*

I wish this were not my life. I wish this were not my life. I wish this were not my life.

Wishing gets me no where. I'm stuck.

robin
8/25/2017 11:03:15 am

Oh CoCo my dear. please know that it is waaay too early for you to really know what you want or to have sorted out your feelings. I feel you...I hear you. I understand EXACTLY how you feel. Be gentle with yourself...don't judge your feelings....they are going to be ALL OVER THE PLACE. You will be confused and not able to think well....unfocused and angry. But....please keep getting up day by day....it will get better....and you will be able to figure out if you can forgive or not......because really, sometimes we are unable to forgive....and sometimes, it just takes a long time to figure out if we can forgive.........

Coco
8/28/2017 08:59:33 pm

Thank you for the encouragement. I hope you are right, but I am not optimistic. I have not seen progress in the last several months. Regression, if anything. Still. I appreciate that there is a chance, however small or distant it seems now, that I will learn to find something closer to Peace in all of this. That maybe I will learn to love again. Even writing that seems hollow-- like a self-help mantra repeated out of obedience instead of belief.

I'm comforted only by the fact that I wrote, unthinkingly, that I hope are right.

So. Hope still resides within me. I will try to focus on that glimmer.

robin
9/20/2017 07:53:45 am

Girl. I know exactly how you feel. this thing is crazy! I can tell you that my emotions changed all over the place......back and forth...I love him, I hate him..i love him, I hate him. its an awful existence. your ability to move on will depend on your husband's response to you and what you really want. if he is an ass...well, you gotta protect your heart and move toward healing yourself......if he is truly repentant and trying to repair, then you have real work to do,....its extremely tough, unfair, harrowing, exhausting, and brutal.........either way....you MUST walk through the pain..its the only way........you MUST walk through it.....all the disillusionment about him and what your love was....walk through the pain of it.......its awful. BUT...I know you don't think it....but you will get better....you will....slowly......you will. read articles, listen to podcasts....listen to ester perel.......its a nightmare...but you can do it......

Jason
1/3/2018 05:23:33 pm

Holy smokes CoCo.... wow. THIS IS MY SAME STORY! Remove the "he" and replace with "she" and this is me. Thank you for so elegantly describing exactly what I now feel about my marriage. Sigh, indeed.

b.g.
8/27/2017 04:56:37 am

coco, your letter hit me so deeply. i can relate to it completely. i felt like my husband and i had such a deep, perfect love that would never die...when i also was blindsided by news of his having had an affair. i still love him, but i don't think that i can ever get back to the way i used to feel about him. and that is so tragic and sad. your letter really touched me.

Coco
8/28/2017 09:02:15 pm

I am saddened to hear that my letter struck you--I don't wish anyone this sort of pain. I hope there is some comfort in knowing that the things we feel are not unique. That others are out there living through the same circumstances, and somehow finding a way through it. I hope your story is different than mine, in that you more quickly start to see a path to forgiveness. That you more quickly are made whole.

Until then. From afar.

I understand.

Annabelle
8/30/2017 03:01:50 pm

Oh, Coco. I'm crying as I read your post because I feel exactly the same way. You express so well the exact situation I find myself in: unable to believe that I will ever trust my cheating husband again. I am also only six months out, and also had a romantic, idealized view of our marriage. I was deeply in love with him, even after fourteen years together. After the initial shock of discovering the affair and realizing that my husband was not the wonderful, trustworthy person I thought he was, I convinced myself that if we worked hard enough, we could heal our relationship. He said he would do anything it took to make things better. But so far I he has done nothing. He won't read any books, see a counselor, or even talk about the situation with me. He hasn't done a single thing to reassure me or rebuild trust. I don't know what to do about it, and feel angrier at him now than I did six months ago. From time to time I have panic attacks (heart pounding, shortness of breath, feeling dizzy and sick) triggered by thinking about he affair, and he sees it and forces me to tell him what's wrong, but when I share my feelings he just gets angry and walks away. I feel like i still love him and need to be with him, but I will never trust him again or love him the way I did before. How can I when he doesn't appear to love me enough to try to help me or help us? Everything between us is different now, and it appears to be my destiny to just have to suffer alone in silence from now on. I know I need to be a stronger person and at least take care of myself, but some days I just want to die. The old me, the one who enjoyed life and had interests and a positive outlook on life, is dead. I wish I had an answer.

jason
1/3/2018 05:28:57 pm

Hi Coco, you wrote this response on my DDAY. I am so moved by your initial comment that I was wondering how you are feeling now? Has is got any better? I hope so...

FieryPhoenixx
9/7/2017 04:54:38 pm

Yes, same here. He may have done too much to trust him EVER again. Forgiveness...I'll have to see him as a really sick person and release all expectations of him. It's gonna take a Miracle because betrayal feels like you've been hit by a bus, pushed down a ravine, and left to die besides the road and the Person you Loved is standing over you asking," Hey, can I get a few dollars 💵?"

Annabelle
9/20/2017 11:19:39 am

Fiery Phoenix- yes! that is exactly how it feels. It's horrible! And the crazy part is, I would probably give him the money! Like Robin says, the emotions are all over the map. One moment I want to leave him, the next I feel like everything could be patched up if I just bend over backwards to treat him really, really nice, even if he's totally unrepentant, because I would do anything to try to feel like I used to feel about him. Then I ask myself, what happened to my self-respect? At least now I am starting to have a glimmer of hope that things eventually will get better, whether we stay together or not.

Part of recovery is accepting the disillusionment- not getting over it, exactly, but accepting it as fact. Accepting the fact that you will never feel the same about your spouse, and realizing that no one is perfect, and that life was never going to be pain-free. Betrayal is one of the worst trials a person can ever experience, but we will survive, and likely come out on the other side wiser, more realistic, and hopefully more compassionate. I hope. And Ester Perel is so right. If you do stay with a cheating spouse, you must build a new and different relationship with them going forward. The past is over and gone.

Carol
9/24/2017 09:54:54 pm

My heart breaks for each of you. In my case, I was the cheater. To think I caused my husband of 30+ years such pain breaks my heart. My affair was very brief, and I told my husband about it. It has been over a year since I told him. It is the only time I have ever done something like that, and while I was hurting deeply from a loveless marriage, I take full responsibility for my actions. I could have made another choice, like leaving him. I have read many books, listened to Ester, Marriage Builders, and continue to do so. I have begged him to go to counseling with me, but he refuses. As a matter of fact, have been begging him for years to go to counseling with me (long before my affair). He has not forgiven me, yet. I don't know if he ever will. I don't know what else to do, other then try and be supportive and let him know I'm not going anywhere. He says I am not remorseful, but won't tell me what I'm not doing to make him think that. Please help me, if you can, with insight from your perspective.


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    Unless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site and its resources.

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