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Affair healing Blog

Replaying the Pain

3/8/2017

 
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Years ago, I was video recording the “Family Night” event at our church’s summer camp. It was before the age of digital cameras and phones, and so my VHS recording would become the only visual documentation of that event.

The program was filled with the usual mix of silly and folksy presentations: skits, songs, and children pretending (usually unsuccessfully) to have talent. About halfway through the event, one of our elderly members started his stand-up comedy routine. He was a friend to many, father and grandfather to some who were there.

I witnessed the event through the lens of the video camera, watching his animated movements as he entertained the audience. When he suddenly stumbled forward, I thought it was part of the act. The witnesses did, too, even as he fell to the ground. 
​A nurse rushed forward, felt his pulse, and yelled out, “He's having a heart attack. Everyone leave the room.” The show stopped, but the camera continued to record. A few minutes passed before I thought about the video and turned it off.

I was a friend of the family. I let them get through the funeral and a period of grief before informing his daughter that the event had been recorded. I considered not telling her, wondering if it would be kinder to just erase the tape, but decided it shouldn’t be my choice. 

She thanked me. She said she might want to watch it eventually, but not yet.

A few months later, she asked for the tape. The immediate family gathered to watch the recording. They laughed at the last silly jokes told by their father/grandfather, then grieved together as they saw him fold onto the floor.

To my knowledge, it was the one and only time anyone watched that video. It seemed important to the family, a part of their healing, but unnecessary for further review.

Couples healing from an affair must do something similar as part of their healing. There needs to be a time when they agree to review what happened, to look at the painful reminder and let grief do its work. This review may be a process, not just a single event. Once it is done, however, they need to move on.

If the daughter had watched the video in a repeated ritual, she likely would have remained stuck in her pain. We can recognize how destructive that behavior would be. It is, however, the mistake some people make following the trauma of betrayal. They replay the tape over and over again, wondering why they can’t get past the hurt.

If you’ve been wounded by infidelity, then you’ve lost something. You’ve lost innocence, simple trust. Maybe you’ve even lost your partner. You will need to grieve deeply.

But, at some point, stop playing the tape. 
Agnes
3/8/2017 02:04:34 pm

This was a mistake i unknowingly made. Kept looking at their photos on social media. Today I'm still grieving because i lost my husband of 32 years to a 24 year old . They are still together but i am still in the process of letting go. I have to stop playing the tape now, today, this very moment.

Tim Tedder
3/9/2017 08:11:02 am

It starts with a realization that you need to change, then the decision to make the change, and then the content return to the change. The next time you find yourself replaying the memories, visualize ejecting the tape. Maybe choose to play a different one instead.

Naomi
3/8/2017 02:55:43 pm

I am stuck here. Found out last year my husband of 12 years had a new "friend" that he was taking out. He now has several "friends" and refuses to see any of these relationships as affairs. Now that we're separated, Im stuck in a pattern of replaying which one he could be with & what their doing! I know its destructive to my own wellbeing, and I just cant seem to stop it!!

Kate Hannah
3/8/2017 03:28:30 pm

This is the bit I have found the hardest.
It's still two and half years from D day but I keep replaying the hurt. I know he will never give her up. But he hasn't quite finished with me in words just his actions.
I know it has to come from me now. Move on in order to stop being hurt.
Tims podcasts have been such a great help in the darkest hours.


Decarie
3/8/2017 04:19:45 pm

This is the stage I am at or approaching. Nine months out from DDAY, I just experienced a rage after (again) asking my WH another specific question based on the 3 year affair that happened 16 years ago. It was awful. He withdrew as I attacked with venom that fed on itself. The next day I felt ashamed because I knew I dove into it and allowed my righteous anger to our forth.

I was sincerely torn by my growing feelings of empathy, acceptance and forgiveness and the uncontrolled impulse to hurl my disgust - as we honestly have been working the affair recovery process with our therapist. (We meet separately).

I shared my dilemma with my therapist. His advise was the same as Ted's. He asked why do I choose to cause myself pain when I continue to dig up the corpse of the affair and examine each little piece demanding answers?

He said a powerful thing....he said do you believe your WH is a disgusting person or a person who did something disgusting? He said if you believe the former, then call it quits now. If you believe the latter, stop expressing the rage uncontrollably. Instead, say that you are in a state of uncontrollable anger and call a time out for yourself. Come back when you can express your hurt in a more civil manner maintaining your mutual dignity.

Tim, this story is one I will remember and draw on for strength as we move forward.

CC
3/9/2017 07:59:16 am

My husband cheated on me after 23 years of marriage and raising 3 kids but he didn't just sneak of and cheat instead he became very mean and verbally abusive so that I would get angry and he would have an excuse to leave he said he just needed a break but i knew better I was devastated my chikdren had recently moved out and I was completely lost. It has been a year and a half since he supposedly ended the affair and claimed he wanted to be here but I just can't believe him I don't trust him not to keep lying to me and from the way he treats me I don't think he loves me at all I want to leave but dont have the means right now

Tim Tedder
3/9/2017 08:16:59 am

The inability to trust (and you may have good reason not to) is a separate matter. You may or not decide that you can trust your husband again. Whether or not you do, I hope you can find your way toward a better future rather than replying the past.

CC
3/9/2017 11:00:44 am

I want to stop reliving it I know the bitterness and pain are just hurting me but so many things remind me and bring it back I just don't know how to stop

Agnes
3/9/2017 02:31:20 pm

Decarie what your therapist said is so true. But the fact is my husband CONTINUES to do a disgusting thing by staying in an adulterous relationship and flaunting it on social media
He chose to stay digusting rather than redeeming himself

Decarie
3/9/2017 03:45:12 pm

I absolutely agree. I have not experienced the reality of an going affair. As soon as the bomb dropped, everything went into a tailspin. They had an affair 16 years ago for 3 years. Then they reconnected online two years ago till 9 months ago, but couldn't negotiate a new rendezvous. At that time, her decision to drop the bomb on me about my WH was triggered by her father's death. it's like she had an awakening.

My WH admits that the second round came out of a very sick place for him, as all the secrets and lying and resentments and self justifications caused him to act out.

The relief and shame that overwhelmed him was the beginning of our journey. I have roller coastered through so much with triggers everywhere. But at 8 months out, I started to see a light at the end of a long tunnel. I started to experience a new sense of empathy and compassion. But at times I would flip and still feel tremendous rage at what I was experiencing.

I wasn't raging from gaslighting or ongoing contact, etc. I was raging ALL ON MY OWN. I was bringing forth so much of the rage on my own, especially as outside stresses occurred.

Ted's story of playing the tape hit home. I am seeing how much it can help ME. It's not the same emotional stage as when I was in the process of discovery, when I was asking thousands of questions.

I wish you strength and peace and grace to deal with your situation. I don't know what I would do if it was ongoing.

Decarie
3/9/2017 10:46:15 pm

Tim,

Can you address the pull the BS experiences to replay the video? I find I'm sitting watching tv or knitting very relaxed and suddenly a thought will invade...some detail either triggered or just bubbles up. I find I experience the physical symptoms of arousal that begins to draw me to anger. I want to get up and seek out my spouse and report how I'm feeling. But not in a calm way. It takes a lot of psychic energy to stay calm and breathe and wait for the sensation and the seduction of the anger to pass. It's like there is a deep part of me that wants to " replay the tape" and lash out....it takes soooo much self control not to do it. I have to remind myself that I will mostly hurt myself.

It is so powerful. I am 9 months out and at times too exhausted to care. It's like I just want to spiral down. Can you explain what's happening?

I told my WH is like I want to make sure he really sees my pain...but I believe I know he does. But I want to go around it all again.

Mz A
3/10/2017 06:23:07 am

I am exactly the same. Its been 18mths since the 2 year affair my husband was having was revealed. The truth came out because the AP got pregnant. We have 4 of our own. I constantly feel I have to replay the tape because I need him to really know the pain he has caused - even though he has repented, apologised, etc I still dont think he really gets it. Like he really doesnt get how lucky he is im still here!! I feel so numb most of the time.

cc
3/10/2017 07:10:55 am

I feel the same I think he should be grateful that I would give him any chance and should be trying to make up for the devasting pain he caused me but he seems to think he has to do nothing and that I shouldn't keep bringing it up because he wants to forget. i feel like I need to be angry or its like giving him permission to do what ever he wants and I will just take it and he gets no consequences for his actions. i want him to hurt as much as I do

Tim Tedder
3/10/2017 07:51:21 am

That last comment... I picture someone stabbing herself to make her husband feel bad. But people sometimes do that because the alternative, they think, would be to stab the other person! Healing allows you to refrain from doing either.

But it's hard, I know. Trauma can get "stuck" in a memory loop that plays over and over again. You are not powerless, however.

The following articles address this a bit more: http://www.affairhealing.com/obsessive-focus.html

Decarie
3/10/2017 09:07:38 am

Thank you, Tim. Your words and wisdom are always comforting. I will use them daily (if not more often). I agree...you have to stop hurting yourself. Focus on letting YOU heal....not always the marriage.

This is my focus at the moment. I sometimes just let go of my present stuck state and force myself to believe the "wise elders". It helps me. Thank you.

It's the support we all need.

Su
3/10/2017 11:22:28 am

Thank you Tim for your advise, I am 2 years out and feel the same devastated pain every time I thought of the lying and cheating that my husband of 34 years have been feeding me.
Just like all the readers here, we can not stop replay the tape and wish for a different ending but life just happened and we all suffered in our own way. Will work on better me and maybe one day the past will just be in the past.

Tammy
3/14/2017 09:47:40 am

I like that you are working on a better you - you go girl!

Tammy
3/14/2017 09:43:57 am

Thank you, Tim. You are so right. At some point, you've got to accept that, as in my case, the relationship is over and get on with your life. You have been through an awful experience - but good can come from it. Take some classes - volunteer - do something that you love to do - find your purpose! It's not what you've got - it's what you give (to quote a song by Tesla). Cheers and blessings to us all!


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    Unless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site and its resources.

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