My Husband Still Thinks His Affair Was Special

After reading my earlier post, But My Affair Is Different, I talked to a woman whose husband continued to describe his past affair as a special loving relationship. This conversation occurred during a recent Open Care Q&A session. Listen to the entire conversation using the player below. Here's how the conversation started:

Caller: Your latest article, But My Affair Is Different, resonated with me. That's what my husband has said about his affair. He's recommitted to the marriage and cut off contact with the affair partner, yet he still says, "It was real love. It was something different. Mine was special..." Does that ever go away? Because it hurts me to hear him say that.

Tim: What is he saying about your relationship? What is his impression of the way he loves you or how he wants to be engaged with you?

Caller: He says he wants to stay married, that he loves me, that he's remorseful that he hurt me. He's committed to the marriage. He's doing everything the Wayward Spouse is suppose to do. It's just this one thing that haunts me, frankly.

Tim: You said he wants the marriage, he's committed to doing those things [to help the marriage], and that he loves you. I hear that a lot of times from people who want to avoid divorce and keep the marriage. They would love for it to feel satisfying. They say, "I care about my spouse" but they don't necessarily feel "in love" with them.

What's more important is what they are moving toward. Do they want to be connected? Do they want to engage in a way that really is caring and loving, wanting to bring healing so that both of you experience those things together.

Does it seem like that's what's driving him? Or is it just "I don't want to lose this marriage?"

Caller: I think it's both...

Listen to the entire conversation: