Affair healing Blog
We usually expect our marriage to last a lifetime. What starts with promises of faithfulness and endurance, we believe, will survive any challenge "for better or for worse." Most marriages do; some even thrive. But many die in ways never anticipated.
When the death of a marriage is a mutual choice between two partners, grieving its loss may be a short-term process. The decision to end their relationship often follows a period of prolonged suffering, making divorce feel like relief. Similar to a funeral, partners make the appropriate arrangements, pay their final respects, bury the marriage, and move on with their lives.
But a marriage killed by betrayal is not so easily mourned.
The focus of my work is on helping people heal from an affair, but anyone working in this field can speak to the devastation caused by infidelity. Many marriages end because too much damage has been done or because the unfaithful partner chooses the lover over the spouse. These marital deaths are usually unexpected and sudden, leaving the betrayed spouse in a state confused grief. Here's how one client described her condition:
"I never, ever expected to be here. I thought our 23 years of marriage was just the first half of what we would share together. We talked about our future; we made plans. Then one day I find out he's in love with [another woman]. Without warning, he's gone. He's not coming back...
"No matter how many times people tell me 'things will get better,' that's hard to believe when all I feel is sadness. I wonder if I'll ever get over this."
Grief is a normal, necessary part of healing. The level of pain and sadness experienced after betrayal will usually require a period of grieving. But you need to eventually let go of the dead thing. You need to leave the cemetery.
Start with these three steps:
1. Decide that you have more living to do.
Instead of thinking your life has died with your marriage, choose to believe that there are parts of your story waiting to be written. Even if you're not ready to take full control of your future right now, at least acknowledge that it is in your power to do so. Regardless of circumstances (yes, they will be difficult), you get to choose what story you will tell. You can decide who you will become.
2. Begin to grieve intentionally.
When first confronted with unexpected loss, you needed to let grief have its way. The depth of loss and sorrow you felt needed to be expressed, not controlled. As time goes on, however, you should require less time for mourning.
I encourage clients to begin the process of moving away from grief by being more intentional. You still need to process the pain, but you can begin taking more control of the time and places you allow yourself to grieve. Your attention to loss was once a vigil; let it become a visit made less frequently.
3. Choose to get involved with life again.
If you wait until you feel like doing this, you'll probably wait too long. Some people, in fact, never re-engage with life. But that doesn't have to be you.
Every day, make the choice to walk out of the cemetery and interact with the world around you. To encourage a quicker return to emotional recovery, make special effort to include one or more of the following in whatever you do.
Consider the words of the poem Choices by Allen Steble.
We all have a choice
to live a lie
or be ourselves
to laugh and cry
or to follow someone else
to look up and smile
or bow down and frown
to walk the whole mile
or take off our crown
We have a choice
to shout out loud
or chant a whisper
to fly through the clouds
or to be blown like paper
to conquer our fear
or hide in the shadow
to the wise words hear
or be thrown out the window
We all have a choice
to climb our highest mountain
or fall into our deepest hole
to drink from life's fountain
or live life like a troubled soul
11/16/2017 09:55:52 am
I’m still mourning the loss of my 32-year marriage when my Ex husband decided to divorce me and marry the affair partner 35 years younger than him.
11/18/2017 01:04:53 am
I too am confused as to why my wife of 33 years decided to have an affair with a coworker. It has opened my eyes to be a better me but I don't trust people as I once did. This change in myself disturbs me most. It has been a year now since discovery while I am still trying to work things out. People say things like time heals and I need to forgive. Time may heal ( I am not there yet), I may be able to eventually forgive but I will never forget. How were you able to move yourself forward? What do you tell dates of why our spouses chose their poor decisions? It is truly our spouses loss for what they have done.
I’m still trying to move forward until now. Time does not heal the wounds. You just get used to the pain.
12/13/2017 03:33:15 am
Yes, same goes for me. Am married for 13 years to a good man before.. I have just found out about his affair when he decide to come clean with me about his affair. He do not wish to divorce me nor leave the lover. He wants to continue the affair until the lover chooses to leave on her own. But how is this possible? I am now still together with him. I am now still deciding whether to leave this man for good and start to heal myself. I have a tough decision as I have 2 kids.
12/13/2017 07:55:34 am
You may want to listen to our latest Recovery Room podcast: Healing Alone After an Affair. You can find on iTunes, Google Play, or on this website: http://www.affairhealing.com/podcast214.html
12/13/2017 06:03:31 am
Joy, a person who truly values you and love you will never put himself in a position to lose you. He wants the best of both worlds. Indecision itself is a decision. So what if she leaves, do you really believe he will be faithful and never do it again? He’ll just keep cheating because he knows you’ll forgive him.
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Unless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site and its resources.