I can't stop obsessing about the affair. How do I stop?
Note: This issue is covered in fuller detail in the article, Obsessive Focus After Betrayal: Breaking Free from Intrusive Thoughts. What follows is a summary of that article.
One of the most common struggles after discovering infidelity is the obsessive focus that follows. Betrayed partners often feel stuck in loops of thought—mental reruns of the affair, unanswered questions, or imagined scenes playing out in vivid and painful detail. Even when they want to move forward, the mind keeps circling back, searching for something to hold onto.
This isn’t just overthinking—it’s a form of trauma. When betrayal happens, the brain responds much like it would to any sudden, life-altering event. It becomes hyper-focused, scanning for danger, replaying memories, and trying to make sense of what feels senseless. These responses are normal and even protective, but if left unchecked, they can become traps that prevent healing.
In my full-length article, Obsessive Focus After Betrayal, I describe this experience through a metaphor: a man sitting in a theater, watching the same painful film day after day, hoping for a different ending. He hates the story, but he keeps buying a ticket. That’s what obsessive focus can feel like—reliving what you hate because you don’t know how to stop.
But there are ways out. The article presents eight practical strategies to help interrupt intrusive thoughts, establish healthy boundaries around difficult conversations, and start forming new emotional habits. These include structured journaling tools like the Flip Journal™, trauma-informed techniques like EMDR, and exercises like crafting a “sleep story” to ease nighttime anxiety. Each is designed to help shift your mental focus from reactivity to recovery.
One key idea is that obsessive thoughts often lose power when we respond to them differently. Instead of resisting them with panic or shame, we can learn to say, “This fear isn’t a cage—it’s a cloud I’m walking through.” That shift in perspective can soften the intensity of a trigger and help you continue moving forward.
The article also explores how repeated conversations about the affair, while often needed at first, can become counterproductive if they dominate the relationship. I suggest establishing boundaries for conversations about affairs and suggest following the guidelines provided in a companion article that outlines how couples can transition from truth-telling to repair.
If the past still dominates your thoughts, the work of forgiveness and letting go may be calling. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, minimizing, or reconciling. It means releasing your grip on a past offence that is hurting you. As Lysa TerKeurst writes, “The more our pain consumes us, the more it will control us. And sadly, it’s those who least deserve to be hurt whom our unresolved pain will hurt the most.”
You are not stuck forever. You are not powerless. And even if you can’t hear it yet, healing is calling out to you.
I suspect my partner is cheating, but they deny it. What should I do?
If your partner is cheating, he/she is not likely to admit it. The more you accuse, the more they will deny.
I believe you have a right to know what is going on. I would encourage you to note all the evidence that leads you to conclude he/she is involved in an affair. (See the "Signs of an Affair" list below.) It's unlikely that a single indicator will prove something is going on, but any pattern of changed behavior, along with your gut suspicions, is important to consider. You should gather as much information as possible before discussing it with your partner.
Ideally, you should remain in control of yourself when you question your partner. If you are likely to lose your temper, you may want to consider writing a letter and asking your spouse to read it alone or with you nearby. If there is any chance that they might come clean (a possibility if the affair has run its course or if they are struggling with a weight of guilt), you are more likely to achieve the desired result with controlled confrontation rather than with angry accusations. Anger puts people into a "fight or flight" mode that prohibits healthy dialogue. Don't assume; don't blame; just ask. But don't give them all the evidence you have. Be sure to hold out some important information because this will be a good indicator of how honest they are willing to be. If they try to create a story to explain away your evidence, your withheld information will likely make their continued deception obvious.
In most cases, they will deny an affair and will likely try to make you feel ridiculous for even suspecting such a thing. Listen; don't argue. Ensure you have clearly communicated your questions and concerns and let them respond. Do the answers make sense? Is there a chance you got things wrong?
You have the right to know the truth if you still have doubts. You may want to wait and try again to present your spouse with troubling observations, but at some point, you may need to take more deliberate steps to discover the truth. See the entry Trying to Catch Your Spouse in an Affair for more information.
What are some of the major signs of an affair?
Note: You won't see all of these, but any of them should cause you to question, and multiple signs cause more concern.
Relationship Changes
increased emotional distance from you and other family members
increased criticism of spouse/partner
a change in their sexual behavior with you (less sex or suddenly trying new things)
Financial Changes
unexplained expenses/charges that your partner claims are work or expense account related
unexplained ATM withdrawals
sudden secrecy regarding online banking accounts
higher mobile phone bills
Behavior Changes
unusual changes in personal or work schedules
the sense that their thoughts are often "somewhere else"
sudden interest in new activities or hobbies
unusual interest in specific songs or music
heightened attention to appearance (buying new clothes, getting in shape)
being freshly showered at odd times of the day/night
taking off wedding band at certain times/places
Increased Secrecy
unaccounted for time away from you
being vague about where they were or who they were with... speaking in generalities, and avoiding specifics
overly protective with phones and other communication devices
secrecy with phone calls, emails, or text messages
being overly defensive about the person you suspect
Other Evidence
the smell of someone else's perfume or cologne
an unexplained sexually transmitted disease
possession of an additional cell phone
numerous calls or text records to the same number
My spouse has been involved with someone online. It feels like an affair, but they say I'm taking things too seriously. Am I overreacting?
I doubt it. Any word, feeling, touch, or desire that belongs to you but is given to someone else falls into the category of infidelity (whether or not it becomes an affair) and will certainly feel like a betrayal to you.
Today's technology allows for easy access to online relationships. These relationships can vary in many ways: some involve only writing through email, chat, or message boards; some include pictures or video; some involve real-time video and talking. The level of contact varies from text-only writing to arranging face-to-face meetings, but all levels of contact can result in intimate communication and interaction that was promised to you alone.
There are websites dedicated to helping married people find relationships outside their marriage. Instead of helping couples overcome their problems, they provide an easy escape. In my experience, online affairs can be nearly as devastating as offline affairs, sometimes more so. You should approach them like other kinds of infidelity and get help working through them.
My partner claims they are "just friends," but I think they’re having an affair. What should I do?
Do you have good reason to suspect that the relationship has gone beyond friendship? Do you know if any boundaries have been crossed (expressions of affection, secret meetings, physical/sexual contact)? Are they violating boundary agreements you made when you started your relationship/marriage? If so, then common sense tells you that it's not just friendship, no matter what they claim. If they claim they are committed to your relationship, then you should insist that the "friendship" ends and that you both get counseling help to address what has happened. If they resist, or if they say that you have no right to interfere with their choice of friends, then you're going to have to accept the fact that they are giving priority to the other relationship.
What if you don't have evidence of an affair, but something still seems wrong about the "friendship"? Again, be honest with your parther. Don't threaten or accuse; just tell them what your observing and why it feels unsafe to you. Their reaction will tell you much about the health of your relationship and their commitment to it. I've never known a person committed to his/her marriage who wasn't willing to sacrifice any friendship that was getting in the way.
All this assumes that your suspicions are reasonable. If you are a person who is constantly insecure with a history of accusing your romantic partners of cheating, then maybe your fear is a symptom of unresolved personal issues and not your spouse's unfaithfulness. If so, recognize the possibility and seek counsel to gain a balanced perspective.
Should I stay or leave after their affair?
The question of whether to stay or leave after an affair is one that most betrayed partners will ask themselves. Here are couple of examples:
She sat across from me, pulling herself deeper into the corner of the couch while telling me about discovering her husband's affair. "We've been together over 20 years, and I never thought he would do this... I always told him that if he ever cheated, I would be out the door. But now it's happened, and I'm still here. I don't want to lose him. Am I really that weak? Or am I just crazy?"
An online community member posted this: "I just keep asking myself, why would I stay with someone who isn't sure he wants to be with me? Why would I give him time to figure out who he wants to be with? I always thought that if I were cheated on, I would leave him instantly. Now that it has happened, why am I still here? Am I the weak one? Am I just asking to be hurt again? It's so hard to throw away 13 years together and all the great memories we have. Can it ever come back?"
These are common questions. People are often confused by their reactions to a cheating spouse or partner. In that confusion, it is natural to wonder if their choices are born from strength or weakness. And the contradictory opinions of the people around them add to the perplexity.
So, how do you decide whether to stay or leave after an affair?
Your choice depends on several factors. In deciding whether or not to give your partner a second chance, I'd encourage you to ask the following questions. If you can say "yes" to them, there is hope for your relationship's recovery. The presence of "no" answers means you should be cautious before moving forward in your relationship.
Is this the first time infidelity occurred, not a repeated pattern?
Is there an evident shift toward honesty, not ongoing cover-ups and lies?
Does their confession include information you did not know, as opposed to only admitting to what you discovered?
Does your partner show genuine remorse for the behavior or just sorry for getting caught?
Does your partner accept full responsibility instead of making excuses?
Does your partner respond empathetically when confronted with your pain, rather than defensively?
Is your partner willing to work on repairing trust, not expecting you to “just get over it”?
Does your partner have insight into their affair behavior, instead of just calling it a big mistake?
You have three options: (1) leave now; (2) give it some time; (3) stay no matter what. Let's consider each of these alternatives.
Option 1: LEAVE NOW
I want to be clear: if your partner has betrayed you, you have every right to exit your marriage. When trust has been so profoundly broken... when vows have been so deeply violated... nobody should tell you that you are obligated to give them another chance, even if it is their first and only affair.
And let's be honest, there are advantages to leaving right away. You save yourself from a process of recovery that will be harder than you want, take longer than you expect, and has a relatively high rate of failure. It is possible that even after months of agonizing attempts, swinging back and forth between hope and despair, your relationship will end. So why drag things out? Why risk even more hurt? Why not just go ahead and get it over with?
Well, maybe because there may be hope for healing and the discovery of a recovery that is even more satisfying than the one you experienced before. Because you've already invested so much of yourself, fixing what is broken may be better than letting it go. And because, generally, it is better to avoid making permanent decisions during the initial stages of a deeply emotional experience.
Your first reaction is often not what you would make after your feelings stabilize. If you've invested years in your marriage, would it be worth waiting a few months before setting your course of action?
Some partners, like the one mentioned at the beginning of this article, feel self-imposed pressure to leave immediately simply because it is what they always claimed they would do. To consider anything else seems like a cowardly compromise. But the choice to give your marriage more time, if made for the right reasons, is often an act of strength, not weakness.
Under what conditions would I recommend leaving immediately? If your partner has had previous affairs followed by apologies and repeated promises of "I'll never do this again," then you probably need to go because staying will simply encourage the repetition of this cycle. Don't try to save your relationship; don't try to fix things. It's not your responsibility anymore. Your partner needs to work alone on his/her changes, so you must move deliberately away from your relationship, whether separating or divorcing.
Option 2: GIVE IT SOME TIME
Cindy (not her real name) was anguished over her choice to stay with her husband, who had recently been caught having an affair with a coworker. Her usual self-confidence seemed to abandon her, leaving her in tears as she wrestled with the fear that she had become the kind of pathetic, weak woman she used to criticize.
In the twenty-plus years of their marriage, she had frequently warned her husband that their marriage would be over if he ever cheated on her. No second chances. But she did not follow through on her repeated threats when it happened.
Is waiting an act of weakness or an act of love? It depends. Suppose a betrayed spouse remains in the relationship because they fear being alone, because they believe they need their spouse in whatever condition they can have him/her, or because there is too much shame in a broken marriage. In that case, the choice is not a healthy one.
But suppose the partner remains because the history of the marriage/relationship and family holds enough value worth salvaging. Maybe they want to be part of their partner's healing, or perhaps the choice to stay is most consistent with the kind of person they desire to be. In those cases, it is a choice of strength.
Here's the problem: In an affair crisis, both partners may experience wide swings in their awareness of what they want. The involved partner often feels caught between not being ready to relinquish the marriage and longing to be with the affair partner. The betrayed partner can feel both repulsion and attraction to their spouse.
The intensity of this emotional confusion often leads them to wonder, Am I going crazy? It is a constantly changing environment, not a context in which permanent life choices should be made.
If you've recently found out about an affair, take time before making final decisions regarding your relationship. Get counseling. Set boundaries between you and your spouse if they are still caught in some sort of affair confusion.
Do whatever you need to ensure your safety (relationally, physically, and financially), and wait two or three months before making any decision to end your relationship. Focus on clarifying what it means to be whole and healthy, then make your choices.
Option 3: STAY NO MATTER WHAT
Let me start by addressing one concern raised by many of my clients who struggle with the choice to stay or leave their marriage in the context of religious expectations.
I was raised in a Christian family to believe in the permanence of marriage. The words 'til death do us part are meant to be a sacred vow, not just a statement of optimistic hope. I learned that "God hates divorce," reinforcing the expectation that once a person committed to marriage, they were in it for life. Many betrayed spouses, raised with these (or similar) convictions, feel guilty about leaving their spouse. Choosing to walk away from their marriage means disappointing God, the church, or their family. They are too hurt to stay but too ashamed to go.
This is an unnecessary trap. Yes, the bible states that "God hates divorce." But there are things that God seems to hate even more than divorce, and adultery is one of them. If your spouse has had an affair, God doesn't require you to stay in your marriage (Matthew 19:4-9). You have a choice.
Is it ever healthy for a person to remain married to a spouse who continues in infidelity? Perhaps, if their choice is based on grounded inward principles (not shame-driven), if they accept that the behavior of the spouse may not change (not manipulative), and if they can be content with their choice despite the circumstances (not resentful). Few people, in my experience, are capable of doing this.
Normally, when betrayed spouses sense no real changes in their wife/husband, I encourage them to set healthy boundaries in the relationship and then determine a reasonable date by which they expect to see some movement toward healthy change. This date becomes a line in the sand. It can be adjusted to an earlier or later date, but it is kept private. They should contemplate their course of action, deciding what to do if they reach that line and nothing has improved. At that point, they may stop considering how to work on a healthy marriage since their partner is no longer cooperating. Instead, they move away from the marriage to work on becoming a whole and healthy individual.
Each time I sit across the room from a marriage that is bleeding from the deep wounds of an affair, I long to help them find a way toward recovery. The goal is not to return to what they had before but to something even better. But while I always try to point toward hope, I promise to be honest with them. I wish they all could stay together. For some, the better choice will be to leave.
How can I compete when the Affair Partner seems better than me?
You've got to be very careful here. It's only natural to compare yourself to your partner's lover in an attempt to understand WHY this happened, but the truth is you are not in competition with that person. The real competition here is between your partner's view of the affair relationship and his/her view of your marriage (or relationship). But the problem is that these views are inaccurate, even though your partner is convinced they are right.
An emotional shift has occurred. Everything your partner experiences in the affair is interpreted with a positive bias. It is a way of thinking that will not last, even though they are likely convinced it will.
Alternatively, your partner's thoughts about your relationship are interpreted with an opposite, negative bias. Even their belief about the history of your marriage has likely changed in ways you hardly recognize. The real battle is between these two twisted views.
Focusing on how you compare to the affair partner will lead you toward confusion, frustration, despair, or obsession. Don't allow the affair to have that kind of power. While it is appropriate for you to consider the role you played in your relationship, don't use the affair partner as a standard by which you measure yourself. It's a broken yardstick.
Years ago, betrayed spouse responded to this very question in our online forum. This is her excellent response:
Any questions that form a comparison or a competition (Was sex better? Was she prettier, thinner, smarter, wealthier? Did you enjoy talking with her more? etc.) are not necessary, in my opinion. I know why we ask them. The affair wounds our self-worth. It takes over like a monster.
I'd like anyone feeling the pain of those questions to try this exercise: Write down all your spouse's positive points, attractions, and best qualities. Then consider them and ask yourself if no one else is as good or better than them in those areas. Chances are there are many people in the world, or even people you know, who are more attractive, thinner, wealthier, better at sex, smarter, or more interesting than your spouse. Do you think less of your spouse because so many people are better than them at those things? Probably not.
This isn't about putting down your wayward spouse. It's about realizing marriage isn't a competition. You didn't marry them because they were "the best." You chose them because you loved them. They didn't marry you because you were the best but because they loved you. They didn't cheat because you got older, softer, too familiar, or because they found something better, or because you were lacking anything. They cheated because of something lacking in themselves.
If [satisfaction in a relationship] is about finding something better, trust me, they will never find it. Real long-term love will elude them forever. There is always someone better at something. Someone will always be younger, more attractive, or more educated. That doesn't make YOU any less. Marriage isn't about trading up for bigger, better, and newer models.
I wondered for a long time if the sex was better with the affair partner. Then one day, I realized I could probably have better sex with someone else. I just didn't. There were many men more attractive than my husband. I just didn't care because I was married. There were men smarter or more educated than my husband. Does that mean my husband was less than other men? No. He was just him. And I married him. I wasn't faithful because he was the best at everything. I was faithful because I chose to be and because I wasn't lacking something inside me that I thought could be filled with something on the outside.
Don't demean your worth with comparison questions. If you compare yourself to others, you can always find yourself lacking something. You don't have to be the best; just be the best you. The best you is worthy of love and honesty and faithfulness, and so much more.
Affair Fog: My partner's views and values have shifted since the affair started, but they claim they always felt this way. What's the truth?
It is not uncommon for spouses, family, and friends to be confused by the changes in thinking and behavior that take place in a man or woman who has an affair. “Affair fog” is label often used to describe this condition.
What is affair fog?
Affair fog is a term used to describe a cheater's altered state of mind while investing in an affair. It typically includes shifts in thinking, sometimes dramatic, in which the unfaithful partner views their marriage relationship in overly negative terms and views the affair relationship with exaggerated euphoria.
What causes the fog?
Several factors can contribute to this state, including:
The brain on a romantic high. Counselor and author Linda MacDonald writes: "Scientists have found that romantic highs are fueled by mood-lifting neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine. However, the strongest cause of your current euphoria is a hormone called phenylethylamine. This particular hormone is released during fresh infatuation and resembles the chemical makeup of morphine. These neurochemicals have distorted your sense of reality. You are, in essence, under the influence of drugs. Right now, you may think your eyes are finally open, and you feel more alive than ever. Yet you do not realize that your eyes are seeing through tainted lenses and your mind is in a hormone-driven fog. What seems like mental clarity and finding the love of your life is an illusion created by the chemicals in your brain. These neurochemicals feel so good they create a false contrast with your marriage. Only you don‘t know it yet."
Cognitive Dissonance. This term refers to the tension experienced when a person holds two beliefs that are inconsistent with each other. (For example: "I am a good person" and "I am a liar and a cheater.") When this happens, they attempt to rearrange their thinking to minimize the tension. (For example, a father who leaves his children to be with his lover will eventually convince himself that his children will be better off with a happy father following his passions.)
We use self-justification to eliminate cognitive dissonance. Here are a few quotes from the book, Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me:
"Most people, when directly confronted by evidence that they are wrong, do not change their point of view or course of action but justify it even more tenaciously. Even irrefutable evidence is rarely enough to pierce the mental armor of self-justification."
"Self-justification not only minimizes our mistakes and bad decisions; it is also the reason that everyone can see a hypocrite in action except the hypocrite. It allows us to create a distinction between our moral lapses and someone else’s, and to blur the discrepancy between our actions and our moral convictions."
"People strive to make sense out of contradictory ideas and lead lives that are, at least in their own minds, consistent and meaningful."
How do fog-walkers respond to arguments for clarity?
Confirmation Bias. This term refers to the tendency to give special attention to any information that confirms what we believe and minimize or ignore any information that contradicts what we believe. For example, once a person has justified their affair, they will actively look for additional evidence (no matter how weak it is) to support their opinions and perspective while ignoring evidence (no matter how strong) that stands against it. Once our minds are made up, it's hard to change them. Lord Molson, a British politician, once stated, "I will look at any additional evidence to confirm the opinion to which I have already come." That's confirmation bias!
Memory Distortion. One way to make us feel better about our current choices is by changing the story of our past. Many betrayed spouses have experienced this method of truth-shifting when their husbands/wives rewrite their marriage history, making it worse than it was. More quotes from Mistakes Were Made: "Self-serving memory distortion [is a way of] 'getting what you want by revising what you had.' On the larger stage of the life cycle, many of us do just that: We misremember our history as being worse than it was, thus distorting our perception of how much we have improved, to feel better about ourselves now." "False memories allow us to forgive ourselves and justify our mistakes, but sometimes at a high price: an inability to take responsibility for our lives."
Gaslighting. In an attempt to protect their unstable account of events, some will resort to a strategy of manipulation to confuse the betrayed spouse in such a way as to make them question their memory, even their sanity. This form of mental abuse is often referred to as “gaslighting,” a term derived from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife that she is insane by manipulating her experience of reality.
How should you respond to a spouse in the "fog"?
If your spouse is rewriting the story of your marriage to justify their affair choices, you must guard against allowing their new “truth” to alter history. Even if your marriage has no future, you should not allow the past to be stolen as well. Your spouse has changed, not your marriage.
List the strong evidence of the good parts of your marriage story. Start from the beginning of your relationship and consider the hard evidence (things like letters, cards, emails, pictures, a ring, gifts, videos, etc.) and soft evidence (memories, conversations, testimony of family & friends, etc.).
Choose one piece of evidence that stands out as a clear example of real connection and joy in your marriage story. Remind your spouse of it (by talking about it or writing it out). But whether or not they join you in remembering the past in this way, let these pieces of evidence give you confidence in the more certain truth of your history rather than their rewriting of it.
My partner says they are done with the affair but still want to stay in touch with the affair partner. Should I be okay with that?
The Problem with Ongoing Contact with the Affair Partner
If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. I have never seen an exception to this. That is why nearly every affair recovery specialist suggests a swift and complete cut-off of all contact with the affair partner.
In the book, Surviving an Affair, Willard Harley states it this way:
"...there is no good reason for the unfaithful spouse to ever see or talk to the former lover. There should be absolutely no contact. In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues related to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover."
In Torn Asunder, David Carder writes:
"...the partners separate physically—move to different locations, change jobs, and so on… If such a decisive break is not made, the recovering [unfaithful partner] will be tempted to renew contact… Continually “running into” the partner damages the trust and refuels the anger of the spouse who is trying to forgive and rebuild."
An unfaithful partner who resists going to extraordinary measures to break all contact may be guilty of either wanting opportunities to encounter the former lover (even if they try to convince themselves they won’t cross “the line” again) or of failing to have empathy for the betrayed partner’s suffering.
Certain work or social settings may complicate the separating process, but decisions must be made out of a consideration for what the relationship needs. The necessary choice is often not an easy one. Unfaithful partners committed to making things right may still struggle with the sacrifice required. But sacrifices need to be made to protect a betrayed partner from having to accept conditions that feel dangerous.
What can be done? If you want relief from the stress of ongoing contact between your partner and the other man/woman, one of these relief strategies must be followed.
Strategies for Relief
Strategy 1: Do whatever is necessary to break all contact.
The quickest relief to this stress is realized when the affair partner willingly accepts responsibility for making whatever change is needed to end all contact with the former affair partner. When a spouse/partner realizes that severing all ties is the only realistic way to alleviate fears and re-establish trust, they should move quickly and decisively toward changes necessary to accomplish that separation.
This will often require sacrifice. To save their marriage, I have seen couples make these kinds of changes in an attempt to ensure no more contact:
Selling a home and moving to another location.
Quitting a job or changing vocation.
Stepping away from certain friends or social circles.
Ending participation in hobbies, recreation, events, or organizations they previously enjoyed (or finding new, safe ways to experience them).
Walking away from financial investments.
Why go to such extraordinary measures? Are such dramatic changes necessary if the affair has ended and promises have been made never to start it again? In most cases, yes, for two reasons.
1. Ongoing contact makes it too easy for the affair to start again.
Intentions to end an affair are usually strongest just after it has been disclosed or discovered. The unfaithful partner often works overtime to ensure the relationship has ended and will never start again. They may be sincere in their intent.
But recovery is a rough process. The betrayed partner will have significant needs and may express disappointment, confusion, sadness, or anger for weeks or months. Contact with the affair partner during this time will make comparisons inevitable: Things were so much easier in the affair. Why should I work so hard at something that makes me feel so miserable? Once this sentiment is expressed to the affair partner, the door opens to that relationship again. Whether the affair was sexual or emotional (or both), its promise of renewed relief is a strong enticement to anyone in such a vulnerable place.
I encourage a “do whatever it takes” approach to ending contact in nearly every affair scenario, but there is one condition in which it is mandatory. If the affair was emotional (feelings of love) and if it was discovered (not ended on its own or confessed), then ongoing interactions between the affair partners will almost certainly result in the continuation of their relationship.
2. Ongoing contact causes repeated harm to the betrayed partner.
Here is a sentiment I have often heard expressed by an unfaithful partner: “The affair is over, so you need to let it go. Your insecurity is driving us both nuts. I’ve said I’m sorry and told you it’s over, so you just need to trust me.”
They say this as though they believed they would be capable of this kind of blind trust if the situation were reversed, but this is never true. The betrayed partner will feel unsettled and fearful whenever circumstances enable ongoing contact between two affair participants.
This is not the betrayed partner’s fault. They did not cause this trauma; they are a victim of it. And as long as the danger of ongoing contact remains, they will struggle to move toward forgiveness and trust.
Breaking all contact is an act of loving commitment. It demonstrates the sincerity of the unfaithful partner. It provides a safe context for healing affair wounds and nurturing relationship bonds.
This “break all contact” strategy should be followed if possible, but I understand why there may be exceptions. Sometimes there are legal considerations (for example, when the unfaithful partner owns the business where the affair partner is employed). Sometimes a tremendous financial risk is not worth taking due to family needs, including medical. And the desire for complete separation might not feel as necessary (in a work setting, for example) if the affair ended years ago but was only recently disclosed. Whatever the reason, if both partners agree that some degree of ongoing contact may be necessary, then the focus should shift to implementing the second strategy.
Strategy 2: Work together to reclaim that “space” for your marriage/relationship.
Suppose the affair partner remains present in a work or social setting from which the unfaithful partner cannot immediately separate. In that case, the couple should work together to send clear messages that their marriage/relationship is secure and off-limits to others. Every attempt should be made for the betrayed partner to feel welcomed and wanted in the places (work or social settings) touched by the affair.
Steve had a 7-month affair with a co-worker in a respected marketing firm. After discovering the affair, Judy, his wife, agreed that he should not leave his job. But she clearly explained that for her to feel secure about his time at work, he needed to be more intentional about making her feel invited.
They discussed this during one of their counseling sessions. At first, Steve resisted the idea of his wife visiting him at the office. His caution, it seemed to me, did not stem from a desire to protect the affair relationship but from a real concern about whether this mixing of work and marriage would seem inappropriate to co-workers. He also feared that Judy’s insecurity might cause her to show up too often and interfere with his job.
Judy didn't back down. She explained that she would have difficulty trusting him if she remained excluded from his workplace. Steve agreed to make the necessary changes. Here are some of the ways this couple used office visits as part of their recovery:
Judy had a new photo taken of the two of them, put it in a frame, and gave it to Steve as a gift of hope, asking him to keep it on his desk.
Twice a week, Judy brought food to the office so they could spend lunchtime together.
Steve committed to showing appropriate but open expressions of affection to his wife in front of others (welcoming her with a hug, holding her hand, saying “I love you,” etc.)
Steve agreed to welcome unannounced visits or phone calls from Judy. Judy agreed to refrain from constant interruptions and to respect Steve’s need to do his work.
Judy agreed to avoid any confrontation with the other woman at the office. (On one visit, the other women was in the hallway outside the office as Judy arrived. Judy stopped next to her, looked at her, smiled, then walked into Steve’s office. Nothing else needed to be said.)
As time went on, the office lunches became less frequent. They still meet for lunch but usually go to a nearby cafe. Steve’s workplace feels safer to Judy, and Steve has learned that he can trust her to respect the attention his job demands.
Working with an ex-lover is a vulnerable situation. A betrayed partner knows this instinctively. They cannot wish the danger away or pretend it doesn't exist. The remedy for reducing their stress is either to leave the dangerous environment (Strategy 1) or to regain a sense of control and comfort in the environment (Strategy 2). But what if the unfaithful partner is unwilling to make the changes required for either of these strategies? Sadly, then, the betrayed partner will be left to save him/herself with Strategy 3.
Strategy 3: Exit the unsafe environment on your own.
Let me restate the problem: If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even if it is due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. There should be no expectation of diminishing stress while two affair partners have ongoing contact in an environment that excludes the betrayed partner.
A person in this situation should realize that their stress is not due to their inability to cope. On the contrary, their stress is a natural response to risk. Sometimes the only way to alleviate the fear is by removing themselves from the danger. Separation from their partner may be necessary.
I am mindful that, to some people, the cost of separation seems too great; leaving the relationship simply feels like trading one problem for another. The financial or emotional burden of separating may be too much, so the choice between "bad or worse" keeps them stuck until something shifts. It is a decision that each individual must carefully consider. Still, if there is any reasonable way to separate, even for a little while, my encouragement would be to do so.
Before moving to this option, I encourage the betrayed spouse to make a final attempt at clearly communicating their need and intent. The message may sound something like this:
Your affair hurt me more deeply than you can understand. You've witnessed some of that pain, but you may never understand how hard this has been. Your betrayal cut deeply, more than any other wound I've felt.
I still love you. I still want to be with you. But what I need is a relationship that is healing. If I can ever hope to trust you again, I need to feel safe with you. And I need to know you WANT me to feel safe with you.
I cannot feel safe while you are still in contact with [the affair partner]. I just can’t. If you are not willing to make the changes needed to help me forgive and trust you again, then I need to leave. Remaining in this stressful situation is not good for my emotional or physical health.
Will you help me?
If this plea evokes no change, then the betrayed spouse should consider leaving, either permanently (including divorce) or temporarily (until circumstances change).
An Audio Reponse
How can I get my partner to break off contact with the lover without demands or ultimatums?
Let me consider this question from the perspective of three different scenarios.
The first scenario is when the wayward spouse claims to be in love with the affair partner.
In the second scenario, the unfaithful partner is ambiguous or uncertain about whether or not they are ending the relationship with the affair partner. Perhaps they even deny that an affair exists, but they are still unwilling to give up the relationship.
In the third scenario, the unfaithful partner claims that the affair has ended but continues to have contact with the affair partner at work or in social situations.
Scenario 1: A partner who claims they are in love with the affair partner.
Your instinct will be to argue with your partner, attempting to reason them back toward "sanity." If you do, your efforts will be ineffective. An unfaithful spouse caught up in an emotional attachment will not be convinced that their "love" isn't real. It's very real to them.
Instead of trying to change their mind, change yours. Accept that you cannot be responsible for your spouse's choices, but you can be responsible for your own. State your case to them honestly and clearly, then focus on the healthy steps you need to take. In the long run, taking control of your life will have a more positive impact on your spouse than efforts to control theirs.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Refuse to debate the issue. You, standing on the side of reason, may have the clarity that your partner is lacking, but you are the last person to convince them of it. They likely consider you as part of their problem, not their solution. Your carefully crafted arguments will pop like water balloons against their formidable defenses. You won't win the debate, so don't even try.
Acknowledge their feelings. I'm not suggesting that you accept or approve of your wayward spouse's "love," but recognize they may be experiencing something that feels so much like love there is practically no difference. In psychological terms, we call this limerence. Limerence is a state of mind resulting from a romantic attraction that typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies, characterized by a longing to have one's feelings reciprocated by the person they desire.
What they feel is probably shallow and temporary, but why argue if they claim their love is deep and eternal? Since you stand outside their experience, your denials of it will either be ignored or attacked.
Choose to take a perspective like this: I know what you're experiencing is real to you, so I won't waste time trying to talk you out of it. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to make sense of it because of our history, because of the person I thought you were, and because it's hard for me to understand how healthy love can be so willing to hurt others. But this is something you'll have to figure out on your own. I need to take care of myself.
Make smarter choices than your spouse is making.
If you start letting emotions dictate what is "right" for you to do (attack, beg, control, manipulate, etc.), you will get sucked into a dysfunction similar to your spouse's. You have the choice to either focus on changing your spouse or changing yourself. Don't waste energy by attempting to change what is out of your control.
Scenario 2: A partner who remains uncertain about their intent.
Demands and threats are the strategies most often used to stop a partner's contact with their lover, but while they may result in short-term success, the long-term efficacy is usually disappointing. If your partner wants to reconnect with their affair partner, then putting outside pressure on them to "make" them stop can have two consequences:
If they lack the inward motivation to change, they will resent your demands. They may go along with your requirements for a while, but their resentment will likely grow, and contact with the lover may be renewed with greater secrecy.
If you do somehow manage to control circumstances enough to keep your partner away from their lover, then you have made the decision for them. Even if the affair ends, they may struggle with thoughts of "what if,” comparing your relationship to the affair relationship. This increases the chances for an eventual re-ignition of the affair, vulnerability to another future affair, or growing disinterest in your relationship.
The question How can I get my partner to break contact? assumes that you should try to get your partner to do something. That's the wrong focus. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior; you're responsible for yours.
You must be very honest in letting your partner know how this has affected you and what you are unwilling to accept. These things should be stated with the recognition that they are free to make whatever choices they want, but you will need to do the same. Whether you give them some time to figure things out or move quickly to establish boundaries, the motive for your choice needs to be centered on self-control, not partner control.
Scenario 3: A partner who claims to have ended the affair but has ongoing contact with the affair partner in work or social situations.
In this scenario, the unfaithful partner often expects the betrayed partner to stop feeling insecure and simply trust their ongoing encounters with the former lover. The betrayed partner can't do this. Realizing the risk of ongoing contact, the betrayed spouse will continue to experience stress. If trust is going to be restored, it will require willing change by the unfaithful partner.
You can read more about this in my response to the question about ongoing contact with an affair partner.
My spouse says their affair is over, but I don't know if that's true. What should I do?
It will be natural for you to question & doubt your spouse. There is no shortcut around the time it takes for trust to be re-established. Even if the affair is 100% over, you will likely still wonder, and many of your spouse's behaviors will seem suspicious to you, even if they are innocent.
You need reassurance. In my opinion, a betrayed spouse has the right to be reassured. Most find it impossible to blindly trust a new claim of honesty: "Yes, I was lying to you before, but you should believe me because I'm not lying to you now." Your spouse should willingly give you open access to his/her schedule, phone history, text messages, email accounts, etc. Any attempt to keep parts of their lives private will only work against your ability to regain trust. You may need to investigate your suspicions to settle your fears for a while. This shouldn't go on indefinitely, but it may be beneficial in the beginning stages of recovery to help you gain more confidence in your spouse's sincerity (or learn the truth about their insincerity).
Your spouse's pattern of behavior will tell you something. What if you don't have any hard evidence but still don't believe your spouse is telling you the truth? Then what does the "soft evidence" tell you? By soft evidence, I mean those behaviors that tend to be present in a spouse who is being truthful and is committed to restoring the marriage versus behaviors that are usually present in spouses who are not being completely honest or not wanting to assume their responsibility in the healing process. In my experience, this evidence indicates a spouse's sincerity and commitment.
Evidence of Sincerity and Commitment:
Remorse for hurting you (not just for getting caught).
Ongoing commitment to truthfulness.
Concern for your relief and comfort, not just their own.
Willingness to play a significant role in the healing process, to fix what they broke.
Evidence of Insincerity or Non-commitment:
Confessions are limited to what has been uncovered. (No confession of unknown wrongs until you find them out.)
Confusion, not clarity, tends to be the outcome of any discussion about "the truth."
Quick shifts to defensiveness and blaming when questions are asked about the affair.
The expectation that you do the major work in recovery rather than accepting that responsibility themselves. Examples: (1) Expecting you to provide a checklist for change ("Just tell me what you expect me to do.") that is reluctantly followed rather than willingly taking the initiative. (2) Leaving it up to you to fight for the boundaries that help you feel safe rather than voluntarily establishing new rules for outside relationships.
In the absence of evidence, you have to make a choice. What if every observable indication indicates that your spouse has been honest and is committed to rebuilding your relationship, but you still aren't sure you can believe them? In my opinion, it is better for you to act in belief. I mean that you should respond to your spouse as though they are telling you the truth (innocent until proven guilty). Is there some risk in this? Yes. Maybe they are being dishonest. But without evidence, I believe you are better off assuming they are being truthful rather than assuming they are lying. Let me explain why...
If we compare the likely outcomes of acting in belief versus acting in disbelief, I think the former encourages healing and avoids conflict more than the latter. Consider the potential possibilities:
If you choose to act in belief...
...and your spouse is being truthful, your response is seen as encouraging, trusting, and supportive and will reinforce the choices you want them to keep making.
...but your spouse is lying, then they will be doing what they were going to do anyway and eventually you'll find out, experience the pain of betrayal again (I don't mean to minimize that), and make appropriate choices. In the meantime, you will have avoided the "going nuts" routine of constant questioning, demanding, etc., that never works in your favor.
If you choose to act in disbelief...
...and your spouse is being truthful, they will become increasingly discouraged and may finally give up trying. If your spouse is being honest and making sincere efforts to change, being constantly accused of not changing will quickly deplete any hope they had in marriage recovery.
...and your spouse is lying, then all your accusing, arguing, and insisting will do nothing to change their behavior. It is more likely to make them more defensive and secretive. In this scenario, you can expect is ongoing conflict.
Here is the one exception to everything I've just said: If your spouse has always struggled with lying (even apart from the affair issues), you must be more cautious. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. However, past behavior does not guarantee future behavior. People really can change. If your spouse shows sincere, ongoing attempts to be honest with you, you will also have to eventually decide between the two options listed above (belief/disbelief), but it may take a bit longer to reach your choice.
See Also: Signs of a Real Affair Confession
I want to work on our marriage, but my spouse can't make up his/her mind. What am I supposed to do?
If your spouse struggles with an emotional connection to someone else, they may go back and forth in their decision as they try to figure out what (or who) they want. Once you refuse to be part of that pattern any longer, your spouse will have to make different choices and may eventually express a desire to return to the marriage. If so, you must be very careful when considering whether or not to re-establish a partnership with your spouse. You should not readily accept them back each time they return to you.
You should not re-enter a relationship with your spouse until they can say "yes" to two essential questions. These two questions should stand as guards at the doorway of your relationship, not allowing your spouse to re-enter until they can pass the test.
Think of it this way: Your marriage is like a house you and your spouse built. You promised each other that you would stay together and keep improving your house for the rest of your lives. But things didn't go as planned. At some point, your spouse started visiting someone else's place. Maybe the visits started with chats on the front lawn but eventually moved inside, turning into more intimate connections during afternoons or weekends. You may have tried to force your spouse's return when you found out. Each time they wandered out again, you tried to coax them back.
Stop trying to get your spouse back into the house (your marriage). You can leave the door open, but let them make the choice. But if they do come back, you must be sure it is not just a momentary visit. That's where the two guards come in. Picture them standing outside the door of your house. Before you welcome your spouse back into your relationship, he/she needs to satisfy each guard's question. They should not be allowed in if they cannot give a confident "yes" to both guards.
The first guard's question to your spouse: Are you single-minded in your desire for your marriage?
There should be no more confusion or uncertainty. This doesn't mean all emotional issues are resolved; that may take some time. But your spouse should have their mind made up. If they are still unsure they want to commit to the marriage, leave them outside the door. You may both benefit from individual counseling, but couples therapy will be ineffective.
The second guard asks your spouse: Are you willing to work on change?
If you sense that your spouse wants assurance that YOU will change before they come back, don't let them in. The truth is, you might need to change for the sake of a stronger marriage, but if your spouse is focusing on your flaws, they are failing to accept responsibility for what they've done. There will be a time for both of you to be honest about past hurts or disappointments, but that comes later. Neither should you accept the return of a spouse who simply wants to "put the past behind" and move on with the marriage as though nothing happened. You will never be able to return to trust and intimacy if your spouse does not actively participate in the hard work required to help you recover from this trauma.
My spouse refuses to answer my questions about the affair. Don't I have the right to know?
Yes, you have the right to know. In my opinion, you need your spouse's complete honesty for at least three important reasons:
You can't effectively navigate through affair recovery if you're in the dark. Your spouse may have many reasons for not wanting to tell you about the affair (protecting themself, protecting the affair partner, protecting you). But unless you understand the reality of his/her experience, it will be impossible for you to move forward together. Telling the truth is like turning on the light in a dark hallway. You probably won't like what you see, but at least you identify the obstacles and make informed choices.
Honesty about the affair is your spouse's first step toward earning your trust. Their affair was built with lies and secrets. By not telling the truth, your spouse is insisting that you trust him/her with these secrets. But trusting is the last thing you are capable of right now. Your trust can't be rooted in thin air; it requires your spouse's honesty about their betrayal.
It is difficult to completely forgive if you do not know the extent of the offense. To forgive, you do not require exhaustive detail, but you need an accurate measure of the affair: how long it lasted, who was involved, how far it went, etc. Failure to hear the truth inhibits your ability to offer (or their ability to receive) complete forgiveness.
Let me be clear about one thing: Stop trying to force your spouse to tell you the truth. If you find yourself begging or threatening your spouse, you may eventually wear them down enough to tell you some additional information, but this forced confession usually won't satisfy you for very long because you will feel the need to dig for more. As long as they resist, you'll keep hammering away until you uncover another nugget of "truth.” But this process only wears both of you out and certainly doesn't help rebuild your relationship.
You need the confidence of knowing that your spouse is willing to be honest about the affair by their own choice. You will not be satisfied by forced confession. Your spouse's willingness to be honest with you will be a strong indicator that they are truly invested in making things right with you. If they're not ready to do that yet, be very clear about your need for the truth and ask them to devise a plan for moving forward (that includes honesty). This is where the help of a good counselor can be of great benefit to you both. And, in my opinion, if your spouse remains unwilling to give you truthfulness, you are at great risk if you choose to move forward in your relationship with him/her.
Get the Answers You Need: I’ve created two online courses to help you have a conversation about the truth of the affair—Truth Talk: Asking Questions and Truth Talk: Giving Answers.
Why won’t they tell?
In my experience, a person is rarely willing to tell the whole truth about their affair after they've been caught. Usually, they will either only admit to what has been discovered (the truth almost always includes more than that) or they will hand out the truth in little pieces, bit by bit (referred to as "trickle-truth" by one frustrated client), leaving you constantly wondering how much more is left to find out.
Why don't they just come clean and get it over with? Your spouse's motives may be mixed but likely fit into four general reasons. Let me define the reasons and provide my perspective on each.
Reason 1: They want to protect the affair.
Just because someone has been caught in an affair doesn't mean the affair is over. If the affair has been going on for a while or if your spouse has an emotional investment in the other person, they may not be ready to end the relationship. Giving you too much information hinders their ability to continue the affair or start it up again.
The error of this reasoning is obvious. If you are reading this, you are already aware of the fact that the affair is the enemy of your marriage. Your marriage is at high risk as long as your spouse protects the affair. If they cannot join you in making your marriage a one-and-only priority, then you should waste no time in trying to trust them again.
Reason 2: They want to protect the other man/woman.
Even if the affair has ended, your spouse may still have lingering feelings for their ex-lover. The fact is (and you may not want to hear this), they may love him/her. Though they may sincerely desire to work on the marriage and move past the affair, they still care about the reputation and well-being of the other person, and so do not want to reveal anything that will cause harm to them.
This is a typical place for many people to be after an affair. If a strong emotional connection developed between your spouse and the other person, it is unreasonable to expect those feelings will simply disappear. But if your spouse is genuinely committed to the healing of your marriage, these emotions will eventually take their proper place.
However, let me be very clear: despite any affection or love your spouse may feel for the other person, they must love you more. They must be less concerned about protecting that person and more about protecting you. You need assurances. You need truthfulness. They must be willing to risk the other person's hurt to invest in your healing. You both need a good counselor to help ensure that responsible choices are being made in this regard, and you should be committed to not harming the other man/woman.
Reason 3: They want to protect themselves.
Acquiring the label of "Cheater" is not a proud moment for anyone. Tremendous guilt/shame will accompany any admission of their affair behavior. Nobody wants to feel that way! They will want to minimize their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so they don't appear so bad. They know there is a risk that any new information might (a) be held against them in the future or (b) be communicated to other people, including family and friends, which would only increase their shame.
From your perspective, maybe it doesn't matter; they've brought this on themselves, so they need to accept the consequences. But check your motives. Do you want to know the truth to use it against them? Stop. Let your motive for knowing the truth be for your healing, not your spouse's punishment. Seek the truth so you can make your choices regarding forgiveness and trust, not so you can accuse them more.
However, I also believe that even though your spouse may be afraid of the consequences, they should still risk being honest. Their affair behavior was based on their wants and needs; now it's time for them to consider you and your marriage more than themselves. They need to risk honesty.
Reason 4: They want to protect you.
Since the discovery of an affair, it may be hard to believe that your spouse has any concern for you at all. But most people caught in an affair do not want to inflict more damage on their spouses. They believe that by hiding hurtful information, they are protecting their spouses.
There are rare occasions when this might be a valid choice (e.g., the health of the spouse or unique family circumstances). But usually, it is not. You are more concerned with "Can I trust you?" than all the questions about the affair. Most betrayed spouses I work with tell me they are willing to work through the pain of the truth as long as they believe they're no longer being lied to.
Tell your spouse, "If you are trying to protect me, stop. I know it will hurt if you are completely honest with me. I'll probably react, maybe even get angry. But I can get over that. I can't get over being lied to. I'm asking you to trust me with the whole truth. I promise you that I will listen and do my best not to attack you. And I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, I intend to work toward forgiving you."
By the way, forgiving them is not the same as trusting them. You want to promise that you will not use the truth as a weapon against them in the future, but you probably cannot promise trust until you've had more time to determine whether or not you are safe with them. Their honesty is a necessary first step towards that.
An Audio Response
My spouse says they love me but are not in love with me anymore. How can I get them to love me again?
You can't. The harder you try to make your spouse love you, the more they will resent you and move away from you.
It is common for an affair spouse to make the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" declaration during or after an affair. It is one of the most common phrases I hear. I understand your deep desire to be wanted but don't get caught in a cycle of desperate attempts to make them love you again. Their failure to love you has more to do with their deficiencies, not yours.
The best thing you can do is invite your spouse back to your marriage and then leave him/her to their choice while you figure out how to move in healthy directions for you and your family.
Suppose your partner's uncertainty causes them to disengage from you or threaten to return to the affair. In that case, the best thing you can do is honestly and clearly communicate what you want ("I love you, and I want this relationship to work..."), establish your boundaries ("I will not cooperate in a relationship where I am sharing you with someone else..."), and set your spouse free to make his/her choices. You cannot control what they do. The harder you try, the more certain the failure will be.
The only way genuine love will return is in the context of respecting you. The question they struggle with needs to shift from whether or not they want to stay with you (the question they ask when they are in control of your responses) to whether or not they want to lose you (the question they ask when you are in control of your responses).
Many couples get stuck in this place of confusion and indecision. If they don't find their way out of this state, they will likely do more damage to their marriage or relationship. Your partner may need to find help in moving through their next choices, but you cannot force them to get help or make their choices for them.
I want to know the truth about the affair. What questions should I ask?
Think about it this way: If the affair is a picture, then you need to see its frame (the boundaries of the affair: its start, its end, its extent, etc. See sample questions below.), and you also need to see enough to be able to identify it. You don't need a level of detail that comes from examining every specific aspect of the affair.
Don't be consumed by the need to know everything. You need adequate information, not exhaustive information. You need enough detail to allow you to move toward forgiveness and healing while avoiding those things that will be unnecessary reminders of the affair in the future. I've never had a spouse come to me after recovery and say, "I sure wish I'd ask more details," but I've had many admit that they wish they hadn't insisted on knowing everything.
Courses: I’ve created two online courses to help you have a conversation about the truth of the affair—Truth Talk: Asking Questions and Truth Talk: Giving Answers.
Questions to avoid asking, at least at the beginning of the healing process:
1. WHY questions.
Even though you may feel a strong need to understand all the reasons for the affair, you are unlikely to get satisfactory answers to WHY questions at this point. There are a few reasons for this:
Your spouse or partner has very limited self-awareness of all the motives at play. Since insights are limited, they cannot provide adequate responses to why questions, even if they want to.
Even if they could give you a clear and complete explanation of the influences that empowered their infidelity, it would likely not be satisfying to you now since they do not diminish the reality that, in the end, they made a choice without regard for you.
There may be issues in your relationship that contributed to a vulnerability to the affair. This does not mean you are to blame or that they had an excuse; it simply means that some of these issues may be significant in explaining some of the why questions. However, because this sounds like blaming, your partner may not be ready to discuss these things now, and you are unlikely to be prepared to hear them without becoming defensive.
2. Questions that would provide answers you might eventually regret knowing.
There are questions that, although they seem important in trying to gain a full understanding of your spouse's affair behavior, may cause you more grief once you know the answer. Remember, you cannot "unhear" an answer once it is given. I usually discourage questions that link the affair memory to specific places, events, behaviors, etc., since these tend to become constant reminders in years ahead. Avoid details that allow the affair to sink its hooks any deeper into your consciousness, especially specific details about sexual behaviors. Don't give the affair that kind of power. You can always ask more questions later if you want to.
3. Questions your spouse cannot answer.
You will have many questions about your recovery that your spouse cannot answer. You will have to work through these yourself, hopefully with help and support from others, including your counselor. Questions that fall into this category include: How can I learn to trust you again? How can I stop thinking about your affair? Why do I feel guilty? What am I supposed to do with all my anger?
A Sample List of Questions
Note: If possible, seek the help of a trusted person to be with you both during the question-and-answer process. This is an essential part of the process, but most couples need someone to help keep them on track because emotions are so raw and defenses are ready. A trusted counselor can provide significant benefits to you at this point.
Questions about the beginning of the affair.
How did you meet?
Who "crossed the line" in your relationship first?
Were you sexually involved? If so, around when did you first have sex? (You don’t need a specific date/time/place.)
Questions about the progression and extent of the affair.
Where did you get the money to pay for the affair? Approximately how much did you spend?
Did you go places socially? (You don’t need to know where.)
Did you buy each other gifts? Do you still have anything that was given to you?
Does the affair partner know anything private about our family or me? If so, what?
How often did you communicate? What are all the ways you communicated (text, phone, email, Facebook, etc.)?
How often did you meet?
In a rough range, how many times did you have sex?
Questions about the ending of the affair.
When was the last time you had sex?
When was the last time you had any contact with them?
Do they still want to be with you? Still trying to contact you?
Questions about current thinking & behavior.
Have you been tested for an STD? Are you willing to be tested?
Do you still struggle with wanting to be with the other person?
Are you currently attracted to anyone else?
What are the reasons for wanting to be with me?
What will you do if they to contact you again?
Do you have any reminders of the affair (letters, emails, cards, pictures, songs, gifts, souvenirs, etc.)? If so, are you willing to get rid of all of them?
What will you do to help me feel safe with you? To assure me that I do not need to fear that you are lying to me again?
Is there anything else I haven't asked that you need to tell me? (Any past lie that needs to be corrected? Any important detail that hasn’t been disclosed?)
How long should I keep asking questions about the affair?
No established rules exist for how long any specific recovery step should take. Every situation is different, as are the participants in the process. But here is a truth: it is healthy to move intentionally toward ceasing all conversation about the past affair. Getting to this point takes time: months for most betrayed spouses. But if there is a joint commitment to move forward in the marriage, there needs to be a point at which you decide that conversations about the past are no longer necessary.
I don't mean that you should pretend it never happened or that you can never speak of the affair again. The betrayed partner will continue to feel pain for years and needs to be honest about expressing that pain. But those conversations can focus on the present and future without reverting to more questions about the past.
Here's the truth:
You'll never have a 100% understanding of the affair.
Getting answers to questions about the affair is necessary, but the knowledge learned by the betrayed spouse should focus on the information that helps gain an understanding of the meaning of the affair, not all of the facts of it. In my experience, 90% of all important information is learned quickly once the betrayed spouse commits to honesty. The other 10% won't make a difference in the recovery process. (And if the betrayed spouse still isn't committed to honesty after months, you have a different problem.)
Most betrayed spouses should start letting go of questions before they feel ready. I know some people promote a "ask as much as you want for as long as you want" perspective, and many times they're the same ones who encourage a betrayed spouse to "be as angry as you want for as long as you want." I disagree with both sentiments. Yes, you need to ask questions; lots of them. Yes, you need to express your anger honestly, in its entirety. But if you do not move intentionally beyond those two things, you can stay stuck too long... perhaps forever.
So, what should you do?
Since first writing my response to this question, I’ve expanded my answer into a complete article. You should read it: When Is It Time to Stop Talking About the Affair? But let me summarize it here:
Together, plan for a Truth Talk when everything that feels unresolved gets discussed. Instead of trying to have a Q&A every time you feel the pressure to bring it up again, be intentional. The injured partner considers all necessary questions that need to be asked, and the involved partner reviews the facts and timeline of their affair so they come prepared to provide full, honest answers to whatever questions are asked.
Then, start intentionally reducing conversations about the facts of the affair. Stop asking questions that have already been answered. As new questions arise, write them down and give them some thought before discussing them. The goal is to practice a new level of self-management as you gradually reduce the frequency of these talks.
Declare when you have a final conversation. At some point, maybe soon, you should decide to stop asking any more questions about the who, what, when, and where facts of the affair. From that point on, only talk about the issues of the present (including the ways the affair might still be triggering certain emotions) and the future.
Should I forgive my cheating partner?
They will probably want it. They will hope for it. But they cannot demand forgiveness. It is your gift to give or withhold. But whether or not they deserve it, I believe you should eventually forgive for a number of reasons:
Your healing. Whether or not your relationship survives, you need to be able to eventually move on unencumbered by bitterness or vengefulness. If you never stop ruminating over your partner's betrayal, the "you must pay for this" attitude will become a destructive force in your life.
Your partner's healing. Your forgiveness will be a necessary part of your partner's recovery from the affair if your relationship is going to survive and flourish. This will be especially true for a partner experiencing significant shame (your lack of forgiveness traps them in their guilt) or struggling with emotionally disconnecting from the other woman/man (your lack of forgiveness keeps them at a distance). This does not require you to forgive quickly, but it should lead you to declare your intent to eventually forgive.
Working toward trust. If you choose to stay in your relationship, you'll never be able to move toward trust until you forgive. You can forgive without trusting, but you cannot trust without forgiving.
Some people misunderstand forgiveness. They think that forgiveness means forgetting, or never being upset about the affair again, or never talking about it again. Not so. Forgiveness does not erase the past; it just puts it in a new perspective.
Forgiveness means you come to the place of no longer holding your spouse "in debt" for their affair. You stop accusing. You stop using it as a weapon. You choose to look forward instead of back and refuse to be trapped by hurt and anger. You probably will not find your way to forgiveness easily or quickly (I am suspicious of that kind of forgiveness because it usually is not honest), but it should be a goal you're working toward.
You may take a while to experience the consistent feeling of forgiveness. Here's what one of my clients wrote nearly a year after finding out about her husband's affairs:
“I have been thinking so much lately about forgiveness. There are days that I have to consciously make the choice to walk in forgiveness. At times it can be so easy to want to “fall back to what he did in the past” when [my husband] irritates me or we have a disagreement over something totally unrelated to the affair behavior. But I think more and more that I am actually beginning to ‘feel’ it. I don’t have to work as hard to make the conscious choice every day. And I am starting to see that in those moments when I want to act out in a very un-forgiving manner towards him, it really is the rush of emotion [pushing that response]. When I can step back, calm down, and really take time to process, I know I no longer WANT to punish him, or torture him, or hold anything over his head, or make him pay somehow for the hurt or anger I feel.”
See Also: Looking for Forgiveness
What should I tell my children about the affair?
Note: The Affair Healing for Betrayed Partners Course has a section focusing on this issue (Part 7: Who Else Should Know?), so use that resource if you want more help.
Be honest with your children, but what you tell them depends on their ages and how much detail they already know. In all cases, the information is best communicated by both parents, with the involved spouse taking the lead.
Even if you choose not to tell your children now, be open to discussing this at any point in their lives when they struggle with significant failure. Your authenticity during those moments will be much more beneficial than trying to protect their impression of you.
Children living outside the home: If they don’t know, I encourage you to wait until the healing in your marriage is well established. They may not need to know. But if they ask specific questions, do not be dishonest.
Teenagers or adult children living in the home: They likely already know or, at least, have guessed what is happening. If so, don't lie about it. Without getting into details, you should admit what happened but assure them that it is over and that you are taking steps to fix your marriage. (Caution: Don't tell them this if it isn't true. Telling lies to assure and comfort them may buy some temporary peace, but it ultimately does more damage to their trust in you.) If they have questions, answer them. Keep the lines of communication open with your children, and don't be afraid to check in with them periodically to provide assurance and answer any new questions they might have.
Ages 8-12: Provide fewer details, but if they have any awareness of the affair, admit that you got too close to someone else for a while, but it's over now. Take responsibility. Give them plenty of reassurance with your words and your touch. Let them ask questions and provide answers that are general but honest.
Under age 8: Your child is likely too young to understand anything about an affair, but they will undoubtedly have some sense of the conflict in your marriage. Address the conflict. Let them know the two of you are having some problems that you are working on. Assure them that they have no responsibility for any conflict they may witness. Children that age tend to view the world as though they are at the center of it and will assume that your problems are their fault.
Can I ever really trust my spouse again?
The rebuilding of trust takes time. Your spouse broke a promise to you and inflicted a deep wound. He/she needs to repay the damage by exerting great effort in earning back your trust. At first, you'll probably suspect and question every little thing, but in time, if they continue to live openly and honestly, you'll find a growing list of items that are of no real concern to you anymore.
Likely, you'll always have a new sensitivity to potential "red flags" in your spouse's behavior. That's not a bad thing. But if your spouse remains open, transparent, and accountable, you can eventually learn to trust again.
Is there a risk in choosing to work on restoring your marriage? Yes. Could you be hurt again? Yes. Whether or not you should take that risk is a question only you can answer. In some cases, I would counsel a client NOT to take that risk. But in many cases, the willingness to be vulnerable enough to work on reconciliation is a choice born out of strength, not weakness.
Is it possible to forgive without trusting my spouse?
In my experience, many people confuse forgiveness with trust. They're not the same. Forgiveness says, "I let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I will act according to the belief that you will not let me down."
There are circumstances in which I may genuinely forgive someone but never trust them again. For example, I can forgive a business partner for stealing money from the account but choose not to risk working with him any longer. I can forgive a babysitter who failed to guard them against an injury but never ask them to provide childcare again.
My counseling work focuses on helping couples navigate through the affair recovery process. I find that many couples have a faulty understanding of forgiveness. Here are two of the common misconceptions:
FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offending spouse should expect a quick return to "life as normal," including no more questions about the past or expectation of accountability in the future.
FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offended spouse must choke down concerns or questions about their partner's current and future behavior since real forgiveness means forgetting. These are lies.
Even when forgiveness is given, trust must still be earned. Forgiveness opens a pathway to trust in an affair, but it does not guarantee that the couple will find their way to it. The person who had an affair and wants to rebuild their marriage must be willing to take extraordinary measures to earn a spouse's trust again. The willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.
The person who has been betrayed should understand that learning to forgive, at some level, will be an important step toward their healing and recovery. But the process of forgiveness is separate from the process of learning to trust a spouse again. The good news is that genuine trust can be restored over time.
The image below lists some of the differences between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness focuses on past offenses, while trust focuses on present and future risks.
Forgiveness requires letting go of justice (willingness to stop demanding recompense), while trust required letting go of control (willingness to be vulnerable).
Forgiveness is necessary for both personal and relationship healing, but trust is not required for personal healing. For some, the choice NOT to trust is a healthier one.
You can fully forgive someone and never trust them again, but you cannot fully trust someone if you have not forgiven them.
Also Recommended: Can There Ever Be Real Trust After Betrayal? (article)
Should I make my partner go to counseling?
If your partner says they want to stay in your marriage/relationship, you should ask them to attend counseling but only insist on 2 or 3 sessions. After that, let them know it's up to them whether they continue, and then be careful not to guilt them into continuing if they choose against it. Continued counseling with someone who doesn't want to be there is fruitless—a waste of time and money.
Asking them to come to a few initial sessions is reasonable because they may discover it's not as bad as they thought it would be. Maybe they'll even find a measure of hope that things can change.
Here's what you can do to encourage a more favorable reaction to counseling:
Invite them to be part of the process of choosing a counselor.
Choose a counselor who is experienced and is known for making people feel comfortable in therapy.
Clearly state that you are only asking your partner to commit to a few sessions, and then they are free to decide whether or not they will continue.
Make sure you don't use counseling as your chance to criticize your partner constantly. As much as you might want to vent in those early sessions, be willing to listen and learn. A good counselor will guide the process.
If your partner refuses counseling, ask them to devise a plan for both of you. Make it clear that you require more than "let's just forget what happened and move on." Alternatives to counseling include support groups, couples retreats, books (see my recommended affair recovery books), or mentoring by a couple in a healthy relationship.
If your partner simply refuses to take the lead (or, at least, actively cooperate) in the healing process, you should question the future stability of your relationship. In my experience, the best indicator of successful affair healing is the willingness of the involved spouse to actively participate in activities that lead to positive change.
How long will it take our relationship to heal?
Probably longer than you think. Unfortunately, many couples try to shortcut the recovery process. Once the affair is confessed and an apology is made, these couples attempt to move ahead with "life as usual," even though the confession is only the beginning of recovery and restoration. More is required if full healing (a return to trust and deep connection) is to be realized.
The "recovery takes as long as the affair lasted" principle that has some general truth, but recovery time is different for every couple. The point of the statement is primarily for the unfaithful partner, who often feels like the work is done once a confession has been made. They need to understand that they've lived the experience for however many weeks, months, or years the affair went on. The betrayed spouse is only starting to process that reality, and it will take a LONG TIME to finish that work.
Here's the expectation I usually present to couples:
Start measuring from the point of full confession or last contact with the affair partner, whichever was most recent. That's you're zero-mark. (If new revelations or contacts occur, the clock starts over again.)
Even for short affairs (brief sexual encounters or something lasting a few days or weeks), it will probably be at least 6-12 months before you feel somewhat stable in your marriage. If the affair was longer (repeated contact or a history of infidelity), you can expect it to be at least 18-24 months before reaching that same stability... maybe even longer. This assumes that BOTH PARTNERS ARE INVESTED IN RECOVERY. If not, the kind of stability that results in renewed trust and intimacy will never be reached.
The affair is never forgotten. Years from now, something will trigger its memory, and the pain of it will be felt again. But they do the work, pain will eventually pull them together for comfort rather than push them apart.
The road to recovery is difficult. You'll have to endure a lot of pain to get to the other side. Your partner must exercise patience and care to help you get there. You'll have good days, bad days, and really bad days, but as time goes by, you will discover that the bad days diminish and the good days increase.
See Also: