I want to work on our marriage, but my spouse can't make up his/her mind. What am I supposed to do?
If your spouse struggles with an emotional connection to someone else, they may go back and forth in their decision as they try to figure out what (or who) they want. Once you refuse to be part of that pattern any longer, your spouse will have to make different choices and may eventually express a desire to return to the marriage. If so, you must be very careful when considering whether or not to re-establish a partnership with your spouse. You should not readily accept them back each time they return to you.
You should not re-enter a relationship with your spouse until they can say "yes" to two essential questions. These two questions should stand as guards at the doorway of your relationship, not allowing your spouse to re-enter until they can pass the test.
Think of it this way: Your marriage is like a house you and your spouse built. You promised each other that you would stay together and keep improving your house for the rest of your lives. But things didn't go as planned. At some point, your spouse started visiting someone else's place. Maybe the visits started with chats on the front lawn but eventually moved inside, turning into more intimate connections during afternoons or weekends. You may have tried to force your spouse's return when you found out. Each time they wandered out again, you tried to coax them back.
Stop trying to get your spouse back into the house (your marriage). You can leave the door open, but let them make the choice. But if they do come back, you must be sure it is not just a momentary visit. That's where the two guards come in. Picture them standing outside the door of your house. Before you welcome your spouse back into your relationship, he/she needs to satisfy each guard's question. They should not be allowed in if they cannot give a confident "yes" to both guards.
The first guard's question to your spouse: Are you single-minded in your desire for your marriage?
There should be no more confusion or uncertainty. This doesn't mean all emotional issues are resolved; that may take some time. But your spouse should have their mind made up. If they are still unsure they want to commit to the marriage, leave them outside the door. You may both benefit from individual counseling, but couples therapy will be ineffective.
The second guard asks your spouse: Are you willing to work on change?
If you sense that your spouse wants assurance that YOU will change before they come back, don't let them in. The truth is, you might need to change for the sake of a stronger marriage, but if your spouse is focusing on your flaws, they are failing to accept responsibility for what they've done. There will be a time for both of you to be honest about past hurts or disappointments, but that comes later. Neither should you accept the return of a spouse who simply wants to "put the past behind" and move on with the marriage as though nothing happened. You will never be able to return to trust and intimacy if your spouse does not actively participate in the hard work required to help you recover from this trauma.
Should I forgive my cheating partner?
They will probably want it. They will hope for it. But they cannot demand forgiveness. It is your gift to give or withhold. But whether or not they deserve it, I believe you should eventually forgive for a number of reasons:
Your healing. Whether or not your relationship survives, you need to be able to eventually move on unencumbered by bitterness or vengefulness. If you never stop ruminating over your partner's betrayal, the "you must pay for this" attitude will become a destructive force in your life.
Your partner's healing. Your forgiveness will be a necessary part of your partner's recovery from the affair if your relationship is going to survive and flourish. This will be especially true for a partner experiencing significant shame (your lack of forgiveness traps them in their guilt) or struggling with emotionally disconnecting from the other woman/man (your lack of forgiveness keeps them at a distance). This does not require you to forgive quickly, but it should lead you to declare your intent to eventually forgive.
Working toward trust. If you choose to stay in your relationship, you'll never be able to move toward trust until you forgive. You can forgive without trusting, but you cannot trust without forgiving.
Some people misunderstand forgiveness. They think that forgiveness means forgetting, or never being upset about the affair again, or never talking about it again. Not so. Forgiveness does not erase the past; it just puts it in a new perspective.
Forgiveness means you come to the place of no longer holding your spouse "in debt" for their affair. You stop accusing. You stop using it as a weapon. You choose to look forward instead of back and refuse to be trapped by hurt and anger. You probably will not find your way to forgiveness easily or quickly (I am suspicious of that kind of forgiveness because it usually is not honest), but it should be a goal you're working toward.
You may take a while to experience the consistent feeling of forgiveness. Here's what one of my clients wrote nearly a year after finding out about her husband's affairs:
“I have been thinking so much lately about forgiveness. There are days that I have to consciously make the choice to walk in forgiveness. At times it can be so easy to want to “fall back to what he did in the past” when [my husband] irritates me or we have a disagreement over something totally unrelated to the affair behavior. But I think more and more that I am actually beginning to ‘feel’ it. I don’t have to work as hard to make the conscious choice every day. And I am starting to see that in those moments when I want to act out in a very un-forgiving manner towards him, it really is the rush of emotion [pushing that response]. When I can step back, calm down, and really take time to process, I know I no longer WANT to punish him, or torture him, or hold anything over his head, or make him pay somehow for the hurt or anger I feel.”
See Also: Looking for Forgiveness
What should I tell my children about the affair?
Note: The Affair Healing for Betrayed Partners Course has a section focusing on this issue (Part 7: Who Else Should Know?), so use that resource if you want more help.
Be honest with your children, but what you tell them depends on their ages and how much detail they already know. In all cases, the information is best communicated by both parents, with the involved spouse taking the lead.
Even if you choose not to tell your children now, be open to discussing this at any point in their lives when they struggle with significant failure. Your authenticity during those moments will be much more beneficial than trying to protect their impression of you.
Children living outside the home: If they don’t know, I encourage you to wait until the healing in your marriage is well established. They may not need to know. But if they ask specific questions, do not be dishonest.
Teenagers or adult children living in the home: They likely already know or, at least, have guessed what is happening. If so, don't lie about it. Without getting into details, you should admit what happened but assure them that it is over and that you are taking steps to fix your marriage. (Caution: Don't tell them this if it isn't true. Telling lies to assure and comfort them may buy some temporary peace, but it ultimately does more damage to their trust in you.) If they have questions, answer them. Keep the lines of communication open with your children, and don't be afraid to check in with them periodically to provide assurance and answer any new questions they might have.
Ages 8-12: Provide fewer details, but if they have any awareness of the affair, admit that you got too close to someone else for a while, but it's over now. Take responsibility. Give them plenty of reassurance with your words and your touch. Let them ask questions and provide answers that are general but honest.
Under age 8: Your child is likely too young to understand anything about an affair, but they will undoubtedly have some sense of the conflict in your marriage. Address the conflict. Let them know the two of you are having some problems that you are working on. Assure them that they have no responsibility for any conflict they may witness. Children that age tend to view the world as though they are at the center of it and will assume that your problems are their fault.