Should I confess my affair even if they may never find out?
If that affair is not likely to exposed, what’s wrong with not confessing it?
You may not like my answer to this question, but please read all of it before checking out.
If you want a healthy relationship/marriage, the answer is usually yes. Although keeping the secret may allow you to escape immediate conflict or consequences, the long-term cost is often not worth it.
Choosing not to tell is almost always an act of self-protection. You don't want to face the feared consequences. But in doing so, you are deciding for your partner instead of allowing him/her to choose for themselves. In reality, what your partner wants is less important to you than what you want. That kind of thinking probably contributed to your affair behavior in the first place.
Is there a risk in telling? Yes. While most partners, after dealing with the initial pain of discovery, will want to work on restoring their relationship, a betrayed partner may choose separation or divorce. But they have the right to choose between staying or leaving based on the whole truth. If not, any forgiveness or trust offered to you is inherently incomplete. And even if your confession results in your spouse choosing to leave, your honesty is still a very important step toward becoming healthier.
Let me be very clear about this: truth-telling is a painful process. Your partner will likely strongly react to what she/he hears. The alternative, in my opinion, is to pay a possibly even greater price down the road instead of dealing with the issues right now.
Most clients (especially men) fail to understand that their partner is more concerned about TRUST than specific details of the affair, even though she/he is probably asking about details. They want to protect their partners by not revealing painful information, but withholding that information does more damage because it hinders openness & trust. Getting through this and moving toward real forgiveness and trust is sometimes a bit messy, but the benefits make it worthwhile.
Telling the whole truth has these benefits...
Your partner becomes more assured of your honesty because you are telling things you haven't been "caught" in... things that may not otherwise be known. These become evidence of your honesty & your willingness to relinquish control (which is affair behavior).
It provides the opportunity for true forgiveness to take place. If your partner only knows part of the story, then he/she can only forgive that part, and you will only receive forgiveness for that part. Your partner has the right to forgive or not forgive everything.
Nothing remains that has to be kept hidden from this point on. Secrets require emotional energy (even when you try to forget them). Secrets sabotage intimacy. Total honesty provides a freedom that you can't get any other way.
You eliminate the risk of secrets being revealed in the future. I can't tell you how many times a client has decided not to confess parts of their story, only to have that choice backfire on them in the future. They convince themselves that the whole truth would only cause more hurt and anger; why confess something nobody knows about? But in many cases, those hidden parts of the story are eventually uncovered. When that happens, any repairs to trust will likely be undone, and the damage to your relationship may be even more severe.
You become less likely to have another affair. Keeping secrets is affair behavior. If you rationalize your secrets now, it will be easier for you to rationalize more secrets in the future. A marriage or relationship rebuilt on a foundation of truthfulness will be less vulnerable to affairs.
Reasons you might NOT tell the truth:
1. The truth would put your partner at risk.
If telling about the affair would create a dangerous situation (as in cases with a history of abuse, violence, attempted suicide, or other significant mental health issues), you should work with a qualified counselor to help you determine the choices to be made.
2. Knowing the truth will result in greater consequences for your partner.
I hesitate to write this because I know that most people involved in affairs look for justification not to tell the truth. So let me say it again: Telling the truth about your cheating is almost always the best choice, even though it probably doesn't seem like it to you. Dark secrets are the enemy of intimacy, so you must understand that choosing not to tell means you will never receive your partner’s forgiveness and will have to keep something hidden for the rest of your life. You need to carefully weigh the cost of not telling.
But I know the tremendous pain this brings to a partner, so I cannot be authoritative. If you are thinking about keeping your affair a secret to protect them, consider these things before making your decision:
Seek counsel. Talk to someone who has a good understanding of healthy relationships. Good counsel encourages wise choices.
Be honest about your motive. It is a selfish choice if this has more to do with protecting yourself. This has to be about doing something good for your partner, not you.
Be willing to stop your affair behavior. If not telling is simply a choice that gives you the freedom to cheat again, then it's a bad choice. You must be willing to get the help you need to make healthy changes.
Your partner must not be already accusing or suspecting. If they are suspicious and have been asking questions, you need to be honest. The choice of not telling should only be considered if your partner is completely unaware of your affair behaviors (past and present).
You must be certain that your affair will not be revealed. I can't tell you how many times I've worked with clients who were SURE their partner would never discover certain things, only to be surprised when they are eventually revealed by unknown witnesses, missed evidence, the affair partner, or even their own conscience. Your lack of honesty now will be compounded if the truth is revealed in the future. If you have any doubt, deal with the backlash now, not later.
Writing a Secret Confession
If you decide not to tell, I would strongly encourage you to write a complete confession of your affair and why you chose not to tell your partner. This letter should communicate your regret, sorrow, and commitment to your relationship. Try to imagine your partner finding out about your affair and think about what he/she would need to hear from you.
Take your time writing it, but once it is done, seal it in an envelope and take it to someone (someone who would not be likely to lie for you, not a close friend) who will hold your confidence. A pastor or counselor would be a good choice. Ask that person to sign and date the envelope across the sealed flap and then keep it in your confidential records with clear instructions never to release it unless you ask for it someday. If the truth ever comes out, this letter may help explain why you decided to keep your secret.
See Also: Does Telling the Truth Help or Harm?
Is it really an affair if it never became sexual?
A consideration of whether or not non-sexual connection with someone else can be considered an affair.
First, let’s acknowledge that the word “affair” carries quite a punch. Too much energy can be spent on trying to defend against a narrow definition of the word. So let’s use a different word: infidelity. Infidelity occurs when one partner breaks trust by crossing relationship boundaries.
Any relationship that takes the place of what should be given to your partner, either physically or emotionally, should be considered infidelity. It steals what was promised to them and gives it to someone else. Just because the investment is emotional rather than physical doesn't mean it is less severe. Emotional infidelity is often more damaging than an affair that is only sexual, and can be much more challenging to end. If an affair involves both emotional and sexual connections, it becomes even more entangling.
Even online connections that never cross sexual boundaries will likely cause a strong reaction from your partner because they feel betrayed. Any word, feeling, touch, or desire that was promised exclusively to your partner but is given to someone else in a relationship, whether casual or serious, falls into the category of infidelity.
Two Ways to Measure if Your Relationship Is Appropriate
The Silent Witness Test
Imagine that your partner witnesses your private interactions with the other person. They observe how you interact. They hear every word of your conversations. Would they be okay with what they see and hear? And how would they feel if they knew the place in your heart that you were giving to that other person? If not, you’re probably crossing boundaries. The real test of trustworthiness is what you do when you’re not being watched.The Other-Shoe Test
Imagine if your partner were doing precisely what you are doing. They think, speak, and act with someone else just as you are doing. Many people who aggressively defend themselves, claiming there is “nothing wrong” with their actions, quickly change their tune if their partner does the same.
You are probably breaking trust if you don’t pass either of these tests. You are, at least, dipping your toes into the infidelity pool. It’s better to back off before you fall in.
Also Recommended:
Podcast Episode: Crossing the Line - Steps Into Infidelity
Article: Emotional Cheating - But Nothing Physical Happened!
Can it be called an affair if it was just a one-night stand?
Can a one-night stand be considered an affair since there was no emotional connection and it did not continue past the single sexual encounter?
When most couples marry or commit to each other, there is a mutual understanding (usually in the form of a vow) that certain connections outside the relationship will be out of bounds. This includes both physical and emotional connections. When someone violates these boundaries, they break their promise and betray their partner.
Once you become intimately involved with another person (whether emotionally, physically, or both, whether once or many times, whether for a short or a long time) in a way that crosses your relationship boundaries, you have damaged the underlying trust in your relationship.
Your definition of an affair might describe an ongoing relationship instead of a brief encounter, but now is not the time to debate word meanings. Whether you call it a slip-up or an act of infidelity, your choice was a betrayal of trust. If your partner calls it an affair, deal with it like an affair and work toward healing.
My partner wants to know every detail. How much should I reveal?
How much detail should a person give about their affair, especially if their partner insists on knowing everything?
Have a Better Conversation about Your Affair: I’ve created two online courses to help you have a conversation about the truth of the affair—Truth Talk: Asking Questions and Truth Talk: Giving Answers.
When you hide any part of your affair, your spouse feels pushed out and unable to work towards trusting you again. You should be willing to tell your partner everything he/she wants to know.
That doesn't mean they should know everything. There are details of your affair that will result in more hurt than healing. But you're not the one who should be making that call. This is where the help of a pastor or counselor can be of great benefit because they will be able to guide your partner in determining which specifics they need to know.
If your partner demands immediate answers, I suggest responding: "I don't want to keep secrets, and I am willing to tell you anything you want to know. But my understanding from people who know about these things is that we need help working through this. Before we talk about all the details of the affair, would you agree to get help from a counselor?" Then, when the time comes, be ready to keep your word.
By the way, even though I do my best to help clients understand how important it is to be completely honest, some still believe it will be better to keep some secrets. The motives for doing this are varied. Some even sincerely believe they do their partner a favor by not telling them certain things. This almost always backfires. I received the following emails from a couple who had previously gone through a "confession" (in which he claimed that he had told the whole truth with nothing left still hidden), but the wife found out about more lies and decided to leave him.
Here's what he wrote me: "I had not told her everything, and like you predicted, it came back to bite me. She left. I don't know what else to say. I'm deeply distraught..."
And here's what she wrote: "I am leaving him, not because of what he did, but because he continued to lie to me even though he promised openness and honesty. I won't trust him again."
Recently, I had appointments with three separate men who had continued to lie about their affairs even after promising to be completely honest. These men were partly motivated by not wanting to hurt their wives further, but that wasn't their only motive. Here are their stories...
Story 1: This man’s affair was revealed over a year ago. Once caught, he promised to be truthful about everything but still withheld significant information about that affair and a previous affair (which neither his wife nor I knew about at the time). He didn't want to reveal too much because he wasn't convinced that his marriage would survive. There was part of him that truly wanted his marriage "fixed" but wasn't ready to completely let go of the other woman. His dishonesty left room for reconnection, and the affair restarted and ended several times over the following months.
In ways he never expected (and this happens far more frequently than people expect), his wife discovered more truth, even about the past affair. Now he's desperate, not wanting to lose her, but she wonders if too much damage has been done. Like every wife in these three examples, she tells him clearly that she could have dealt with the whole truth at the beginning of the process. She could have worked on forgiving and trusting him if she knew he was risking it all to be honest with her. But now her trust has been severely damaged, perhaps beyond her willingness to take any more chances with him.
Story 2: This couple had a "Truth Session" with me. All indicators pointed to continued lying, even though he spent much time and energy claiming that he was being completely honest. His wife didn't buy it and asked him to leave the house. He came to see me yesterday with a noticeable shift in his demeanor. He stopped trying to protect his reputation or to make excuses. He doesn't just want to fix his marriage; he wants to fix himself. Because he has moved rather quickly to correct his lies and because his wife seems willing to move toward forgiveness, I predict this couple will find their way to a satisfying reconciliation.
Story 3: This man has no long history of lying or cheating. This was his first indiscretion. The affair was just beginning when it was discovered. The emotional connection was minimal, and the physical contact had not yet progressed to sex. He felt tremendous shame over what he had done and thought it would be less risk to his marriage if he just eliminated certain facts from his confession. This was completely unnecessary, and I am certain that his wife would have dealt with the whole truth in a way that allowed them to survive the betrayal. But realizing that he has continued to lie to her has been devastating. She asked him to leave and indicated no desire to do further counseling. He believes he's lost any chance to save the marriage. I suspect he might be right.
On the other side of an affair, both men and women have difficulty giving up their control of the information. They convince themselves that it is better not to tell. But my experience with couples shows that a quick confession of the whole truth (no matter how bad it may be) is one of the best predictors of healthy reconciliation.
Contrast the previous examples with many who take the risk of complete transparency. They do this without any guarantee of the outcome. They do it because they are tired of controlling lies, want to give a partner what he/she is asking for, need to change themselves, or maybe even believe this is the only way toward a new kind of marriage/relationship. Those clients who give themselves 100% do not regret their choice. They may regret the consequences of the affair, but they do not tend to second-guess their commitment to honesty. (The regret tends to come from those who go only part of the way and then get upset because "I knew that wouldn't work!")
Tom (a real client but not his real name) took that risk. He answered every question thoroughly and honestly. He made no defense. He did not try to excuse or blame; he just told the truth, plain and simple. But the truth was harder to hear than his wife had imagined. She was devastated. She left the session, went home, smashed every picture of them, and told him to get out.
He called me right away to let me know what had happened. "Being honest was a better choice for me, I know, but now I'm not sure it was the best choice for my marriage. I'm not sure she can get over the whole truth." I encouraged him to hang on; there would be more to their story.
Three days later, she asked him to return. She thanked him for his honesty and was committed to rebuilding their marriage. He has remained committed to helping her work through the pain of his betrayal, which is difficult, but they're making progress. I believe their story will have a happy ending.
The Betrayed: The Need for Answers
The following letter was written by Joseph, a betrayed spouse, to explain why questions about his wife's affair needed to be answered. It was originally posted on the now-defunct BAN online message board (DearPeggy.com).
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again.
I can actually see that through your eyes you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can affect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do?
Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendos of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives will ever "feel" complete.
You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion.
You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned?
Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe your actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can otherwise effectively move forward...
Why should I return to my marriage if I'm no longer in love with my spouse?
The loss of "in love" feelings is common to those who have been through an affair. It's also common that many doubt whether they were ever genuinely in love with their spouse, especially following an affair that involved a strong emotional connection. Most likely, passion had diminished in your marriage before your affair started and now the emotional jolt you got from the affair makes your marriage feel void of love.
But it wasn't always that way. Your relationship with your spouse started out with a passion you've forgotten. The question is: is it possible to get it back, especially after everything you've been through?
The answer is probably yes if you're willing to put effort into restoring the relationship you had with your spouse. In fact, it's possible to experience greater intimacy with him/her than you've known before. It won't be easy, but the payoff is wonderful.
But why should you have to work at loving your spouse when it seemed to come so naturally with your lover? Because the passion you experienced in the affair was supercharged in a way that cannot be sustained over time. No relationship can sustain that level of emotional euphoria, despite what popular songs and movies sometimes tell us.
Not every marriage can survive an affair. Not every marriage should. But it's too soon to give up if you've fallen out of love. If that's your main reason for leaving your spouse, I'd encourage you first to give time and effort to see if love can be rediscovered in your marriage.
Try completing the downloadable exercise, Reclaiming a Marriage Perspective, to see if there is a more balance view of your marriage that can be rediscovered.
My feelings for my lover are so intense; how can anyone expect me to get over them?
Also recommended: Listen to “It Feels Like Love” - an episode of our Recover Room podcast, available on this website, Apple Podcasts, and any other podcast service.
As mentioned in another answer regarding choosing between your spouse and your lover, it is no surprise that emotions experienced in your affair have been extremely satisfying and passionate. Because of all the dynamics in an affair (relief from feelings of being inadequate or unappreciated; new sexual explorations; sharing the "best" parts of someone without having to deal daily with their worst parts; the thrill of secrecy), your passion may have reached a level you've never known before and may never know again, unless you seek out another affair.
But you need to understand that the dynamics at work in an affair are similar to those that occur in other forms of addictive behavior. There is a definite rush that can't be denied, but whether you want to believe it or not, that rush will not last forever. Just like it was in your marriage, this new relationship will eventually settle into its own "normal."
Whatever inadequacies you took into your relationship with your spouse will be repeated in new relationships as well unless you figure out what needs to change and how to go about changing it.
Let me give you a real-life example of how this plays out. A former client gave me permission to tell his story anonomously in hopes it might help others. Let’s call him Aaron.
I first met Aaron when he and his wife came for counseling after he’d been caught in an affair with a coworker. He wanted to keep his marriage and family together, but was struggling with the love he felt for the affair partner along with the lack of passion he had for his wife. Eventually, Aaron decided he should follow his heart and be happy, so he asked for a divorce so he could start a new life with the woman he loved.
Because of the relationship we’d already developed, I offered to continue counseling Aaron if I could be of any help. Even when I watch clients make choices I know are likely to end in disappointment, it’s not my role to play God in their lives. I wanted to continue encouraging Aaron toward growth and healing, hoping his changes might eventually lead to healing for himself, his children, his ex-wife, and maybe even this new relationship.
Challenges started showing up within the first year as Aaron and his girlfriend had to work through the normal difficulties of two people learning to share life together. Disagreements over expectations and the role of his children in their relationship were especially challenging, but they continued to work through them. But by the end of the second year there were significant struggles, disagreements, and disappointments. During one of our sessions, I brought up this question: “Aaron, it seems to me that the way your a talking about this relationship is similar to the way you talked about your marriage when I first met you. What do you think?”
Aaron: “You’re right. It’s much the same.”
Tim: “Tell me, what’s different in the way you’re responding this time around? What’s changed?”
Aaron: “Not much.”
Tim: “That’s my concern for you, Aaron. You changed your circumstances but didn’t really change yourself. You thought you were choosing something much better, but find yourself in a similar place again.”
I thought that might be the lesson to learn from his story: When the initial limerance of an affair disappates, you are left with yourselves again and the new relationship will start feeling very much like the old one.
But a month later Aaron called me again. He jumped into the conversation: “Tim, you’re not going to believe what I just found out. She’s been cheating on me.”
I’m sorry for all the people who end up being hurt in a story like this, but I don’t have any trouble believing it.
I'm trying to end the affair, but keep going back and forth between my lover and spouse. How do I choose?
Recommended: Listen to “The Ping Pong Effect” - an episode of The Recovery Room podcast available on this website, Apple Podcasts, and any other podcast service.
It is normal to have conflicted thoughts & feelings during this process. When you are confused about your choices, it usually means you have conflicting goals. Real change is hard but nearly impossible if your motivation for change is unclear or conflicted.
Let me tell you a couple of motivations that WON'T work in the long run:
Guilt. Trying to make things "right" just because you feel guilt/shame or because you're trying to do what others say you should do will work for a while, but probably not for very long. Sooner or later, your own needs/desires will demand attention, and you'll be repeating the same choices again.
Happiness. Most people I work with are just trying to find a way to feel happier. They want a relationship with more "connection," better sex, or with less conflict. We all want to be happy! The problem is that any new relationship feels good at the beginning. (And when you add in the secrecy that is part of an affair, the thrill of the experience is heightened even more.) But it doesn't last. What thrills a person today won't thrill them a year or two from now... and they'll have to start looking for the next relationship that makes them feel that way again.
Both of these motivations usually rely on external measures (outside of you): an outward standard of correct behavior or relationships/circumstances to make you happy. In my experience, clients motivated by a desire to avoid guilt or find happiness often go back and forth in their choices. Healthy, consistent change is driven by an INWARD motivation when people have a clear picture of who they want to be.
You need to take the focus off of deciding what person is more exciting or gives you better sex or whatever. I'm not saying those things aren't important, but they are secondary to a more primary question: What kind of person do I want to be? If your answer to that question is clear, your choices become less conflicted because you begin to see which ones help you (and which ones hurt you) become that person.
In my opinion, answering the questions "Why do I think/act the way I do?" and "What kind of person do I want to be?" needs to be a primary focus for someone coming out of an affair. It's a process that requires you to look at your past (the things that influenced how you experience people and events), evaluate your motivations, and develop a clearer perspective of what future change will look like.
If the affair is over, is it okay to have ongoing contact with the affair partner?
The Problem
If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. I have never seen an exception to this. That is why nearly every affair recovery specialist suggests a swift and complete cut-off of all contact with the affair partner.
In the book, Surviving an Affair, Willard Harley states it this way:
"...there is no good reason for the unfaithful spouse to ever see or talk to the former lover. There should be absolutely no contact. In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues related to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover."
In Torn Asunder, David Carder writes:
"...the partners separate physically—move to different locations, change jobs, and so on… If such a decisive break is not made, the recovering [unfaithful partner] will be tempted to renew contact… Continually “running into” the partner damages the trust and refuels the anger of the spouse trying to forgive and rebuild."
An unfaithful partner who resists going to extraordinary measures to break all contact may be guilty of either wanting opportunities to encounter the former lover (even if they try to convince themselves they won’t cross “the line” again) or of failing to have empathy for the betrayed partner’s suffering.
Certain work or social settings may complicate the separation process, but decisions must be made with consideration for what the relationship needs. The necessary choice is often not an easy one. Unfaithful partners committed to making things right may still struggle with the sacrifice required. But sacrifices must be made to protect a betrayed partner from accepting conditions that feel dangerous.
What can be done? If you want relief from the stress of ongoing contact between your partner and the other man/woman, then one of these relief strategies must be followed.
Strategies for Relief
Strategy 1: Do whatever is necessary to break all contact.
The quickest relief to this stress is realized when the affair partner willingly accepts responsibility for making whatever change is needed to end all contact with the former affair partner. When a spouse or partner realizes that severing all ties is the only realistic way to alleviate fears and reestablish trust, they should move quickly and decisively toward the necessary changes to accomplish that separation.
This will often require sacrifice. To save their marriage, I have seen couples make these kinds of changes in an attempt to ensure no more contact:
Selling a home and moving to another location.
Quitting a job or changing vocation.
Stepping away from certain friends or social circles.
Ending participation in hobbies, recreation, events, or organizations they previously enjoyed (or finding new, safe ways to experience them).
Walking away from financial investments.
Why go to such extraordinary measures? Are such dramatic changes necessary if the affair has ended and promises have been made never to start it again? In most cases, yes, for two reasons.
(1) Ongoing contact makes it too easy for the affair to start again.
Intentions to end an affair are usually strongest just after it is disclosed or discovered. The unfaithful partner often works overtime to ensure that the relationship has ended and will never start again. They may be sincere in their intent.
But recovery is a rough process. The betrayed partner will have significant needs and may express disappointment, confusion, sadness, or anger for weeks or months. Contact with the affair partner during this time will make comparisons inevitable: Things were so much easier in the affair. Why should I work so hard at something that makes me feel so miserable? Once this sentiment is expressed to the affair partner, the door opens to that relationship again. Whether the affair was sexual or emotional (or both), its promise of renewed relief strongly entices anyone in such a vulnerable place.
I encourage a “do whatever it takes” approach to ending contact in nearly every affair scenario, but there is one condition in which it is mandatory. If the affair was emotional (feelings of love) and if it was discovered (not ended on its own or confessed), then ongoing interactions between the affair partners will almost certainly result in the continuation of their relationship.
(2) Ongoing contact causes repeated harm to the betrayed partner.
Here is a sentiment I have often heard expressed by an unfaithful partner: “The affair is over, so you need to let it go. Your insecurity is driving us both nuts. I’ve said I’m sorry and told you it’s over, so you need to trust me.”
They say this as though they believed they would be capable of blind trust if the situation were reversed, but this is never true. The betrayed partner will feel unsettled and fearful whenever circumstances enable ongoing contact between two affair participants.
This is not the betrayed partner’s fault. They did not cause this trauma; they are victim of it. And as long as the danger of ongoing contact remains, they will struggle in every attempt to move toward forgiveness and trust.
Breaking all contact is an act of loving commitment. It demonstrates the sincerity of the unfaithful partner. It provides a safe context for healing affair wounds and nurturing relationship bonds.
This “break all contact” strategy should be followed if possible, but I understand why there may be exceptions. Sometimes there are legal considerations (for example, when the unfaithful partner owns the business where the affair partner is employed). Sometimes a tremendous financial risk is not worth taking due to family needs, including medical. And the desire for complete separation might not feel as necessary (in a work setting, for example) if the affair ended years ago but was only recently disclosed. Whatever the reason, if both partners agree that some degree of ongoing contact may be necessary, then the focus should shift to implementing the second strategy.
Strategy 2: Work together to reclaim that “space” for your marriage/relationship.
If the affair partner remains present in a work or social setting from which the unfaithful partner cannot immediately separate, then the couple should work together to send clear messages that their marriage/relationship is secure and off-limits to others. Every attempt should be made for the betrayed partner to feel welcomed and wanted in the places (work or social settings) that were touched by the affair.
Steve had a 7-month affair with a co-worker in a respected marketing firm. After discovering the affair, Judy, his wife, agreed that he should not leave his job. But she clearly explained that for her to feel secure about his time at work, he needed to be more intentional about making her feel invited to the workspace.
They discussed this during one of their counseling sessions. At first, Steve resisted the idea of his wife visiting him at the office. His caution, it seemed to me, stemmed from a genuine concern about whether this mixing of work and marriage would seem inappropriate to co-workers. He also feared that Judy’s insecurity might cause her to show up too often and interfere with his job.
Judy didn't back down. She explained that she would have difficulty trusting him if she remained excluded from his workplace. Steve agreed to make the necessary changes.
Here are some of the ways this couple used office visits as part of their recovery:
Judy had a new photo taken of the two of them, put it in a frame, and gave it to Steve as a gift of hope, asking him to keep it on his desk.
She brought food to the office twice a week so they could spend lunchtime together.
Steve committed to showing appropriate but open expressions of affection to his wife in front of others (welcoming her with a hug, holding her hand, saying “I love you,” etc.).
He agreed to welcome unannounced visits or phone calls from Judy. Judy agreed to refrain from constant interruptions and to respect Steve’s need to do his work.
Judy agreed to avoid any confrontation with the other woman at the office. On one visit, the other woman was in the hallway outside the office as Judy arrived. Judy stopped next to her, looked at her, smiled, then walked into Steve’s office. Nothing else needed to be said.
As time went on, the office lunches became less frequent. They still meet for lunch but usually go to a nearby cafe. Steve’s workplace feels safer for Judy, and Steve has learned that he can trust her to respect the attention his job demands.
Working with an ex-lover is a vulnerable situation. A betrayed partner knows this instinctively. They cannot wish the danger away or pretend it doesn't exist. The remedy for reducing their stress is either to leave the dangerous environment (Strategy 1) or regain control and comfort in the environment (Strategy 2).
But what if the unfaithful partner is unwilling to make the required changes for either strategy? Sadly, the betrayed partner will be left to save him/herself with Strategy 3.
Strategy 3: The injured partner exits the unsafe environment.
Let me restate the problem: If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even if it is due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. There should be no expectation of diminishing stress while two ex-lovers have ongoing contact in an environment that excludes the betrayed partner.
A person in this situation should realize that their stress is not due to their inability to cope. On the contrary, their stress is a natural response to risk. Sometimes the only way to alleviate the fear is by removing themselves from the danger. Separation from their partner may be necessary.
I am mindful that, to some people, the cost of separation seems too great; leaving the relationship feels like trading one problem for another. The financial or emotional burden of separating may be too much, so the choice between "bad or worse" keeps them stuck until something shifts. It is a decision that each individual must carefully consider. Still, if there is any reasonable way to separate, even for a little while, my encouragement would be to do so.
My partner is still angry. Shouldn’t they be over it by now?
Anger needs to come out following an affair. The feelings of hurt and betrayal are usually so deep that it would be unnatural and unhealthy for no anger to be expressed. You should be prepared for outbursts of anger to continue for a while... probably for months. I know many couples who have come to very satisfying conclusions in their affair recovery who would tell you they experienced some outbursts of anger a couple of years after the affair. Be prepared for that.
Repairing your relationship will require some sacrifice from you. It is the cost required for rebuilding trust. You cannot expect your spouse to get over this quickly, so you will have to be willing to deal with their pain and disconnection (often expressed in sadness and anger) while they heal. This will be uncomfortable for you, but it's part of the process.
If your marriage is going to recover, there should, eventually, be a diminishing of anger. After the first month or so of initial expressions of grief and outrage, anger tends to decrease in intensity and frequency. If, after that time, there still seems to be no diminishing of anger, then something is getting in the way. In those cases, these are the things I begin to investigate:
Is there more to the affair story that is still being hidden? It is incredible how many times unconfessed secrets continue to sabotage the recovery effort. This is one reason why getting the whole truth out at the start of recovery is very important If something is still hidden, you need to consider coming completely clean.
Has the affair partner expressed genuine sorrow and grief for what they did? Are they willing to offer ongoing empathetic responses to the wounded spouse rather than insisting they "get over it and move on"?
Has the affair tapped into hurt or trauma from the injured partner's past? If so, their emotional response is amplified, and they will likely need help working through past and present issues.
Are both partners honestly committed to the process of marriage recovery? Suppose either one is just "playing the game" of recovery while having no honest intent to make the marriage work. In that case, anger is simply an ongoing expression of something that will never be resolved while playing this game.
Is the betrayed partner unwilling to acknowledge his/her part in marriage problems? It's easy to focus on the failures of the affair spouse, but at some point, the betrayed spouse must be willing to take an honest look at how they contributed to the condition of the marriage. This, by the way, is in no way accepting responsibility for the affair. But if, after the initial normal anger reactions, the betrayed spouse stays angry (continues to accuse, continues to obsess over the same affair issues) and remains in this pattern for months and years, it is usually an indication of an unwillingness to assume any responsibility for the state of the marriage.
Both partners must be willing to look beneath their anger to see the deeper emotions at play. Anger is an easy emotion to access, but it usually indicates something more significant: fear, hurt, shame, or feeling powerless/inhibited.
Will my spouse ever forgive and trust me again?
Will my spouse ever forgive me?
I don't know. I hope they will, not just for your sake but for theirs as well. It will be more difficult for both of you to move on if forgiveness is not given. And without it, your marriage has no hope of flourishing.
But forgiveness is a gift. You can ask for it, hope for it, and work hard to make amends, but you cannot demand forgiveness.
What your spouse needs from you:
Time to work through their anger and grief. Your spouse will need to do this before he/she is ready to deal with the issue of forgiveness. At a minimum, this will take weeks. More likely, it will take months. And don't be surprised if your spouse offers a quick "I forgive you" at the beginning of the process but then seems to back away once the initial shock wears off. This is normal. It's healthy. The forgiveness they offer you after they deal honestly and entirely with the affair will be more genuine and valuable than forgiveness that is too quickly offered.
Evidence that you have sincerely taken responsibility for the wrong that was done. Your spouse needs more than just an "I'm sorry, now let's move on" from you. You must continue "acting in apology" toward them while they heal. Don't expect to live in the doghouse forever, but you may be in and out of it for a while.
Empathy. You must try hard to understand the emotional damage caused by your affair. During the long time it takes for your spouse to deal with this hurt, your ongoing empathetic responses will, more than anything, encourage their move toward complete forgiveness.
Sometimes, the betrayed spouse gets stuck in their pain. Months later, they continue to ruminate--focused on the past, unable to move forward. Unless they get help, bitterness will likely set in, and the marriage will have little chance of survival.
Will my spouse ever trust me again?
First, let me clearly state that forgiveness and trust are different. Your spouse may choose to forgive you but still be unable to trust you. Forgiveness says, "I choose to let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I choose to act according to the belief that you will not let me down." Forgiveness is a gift, but trust must be earned.
You owe it to your spouse to take extraordinary measures to earn their trust again. I find that the willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.
Here are some things you might do to show you are trustworthy: call your spouse often when you're at work or away; temporarily limit any activities or travel that keeps you from home; offer complete transparency with your schedule; give your spouse open access to your phone and email accounts and let them know they are welcome to look at them any time they want without questions; talk about your day in detail; pick up the phone every time your spouse calls; be willing to answer all questions about the other person. At first, it will be inconvenient to perform all these behaviors, but the need for them will decrease over time.
And during this recovery time, there should be no insistence on your "personal privacy." Privacy/secrecy was too much a part of your affair. You will need to make a clear shift toward complete transparency. This may feel intrusive, like you're giving up too much control, but it is necessary for your spouse to feel safe. As your marriage heals, you will be able to take back some of your own space again, but always with a new level of mutual respect and honesty.
How long will you have to do this? I don't know; every circumstance is different. Plan on this taking longer than you think it should, and then add some time to that.
Often, problems arise when the spouse who had an affair is ready to move on, while their partner is still recovering from the shock. The affair discovery is, in a way, an ending for the involved partner, but it is a beginning for the injured one. Clients with affairs lasting many months (or years) often expect their spouse to "forgive and forget" within days or weeks. When it doesn't happen, they get frustrated. They begin accusing the spouse of being unable to "let things go," failing to realize that the spouse can only really let things go after they have had enough time to work through the betrayal.
What if you invested as much time and energy in rescuing your marriage as you did in nurturing the affair? What kind of difference do you think that would make? If you're unwilling to make an effort like this, your marriage will likely not recover well.
Also Recommended (article): Can There Ever Be Real Trust After Betrayal?
My partner wants to know WHY I cheated. How do I answer that?
It is important for you to understand WHY.
After an affair, attention is typically directed toward answering the who, what, when, and where questions. If you expect your spouse to move through the stages of genuine forgiveness and trust, you have to be willing to provide honest answers. But, beyond these, the one question that seems most significant is, “WHY did you do this?”.
This is an essential question for your spouse. They want to understand the motive behind your choices because that will give them the clearest sense of their vulnerability to future betrayal.
Imagine running out of gas while driving your car… every day. At the end of each day, you give a clear account of what happened: where you were, what time it was, your reaction to the event, how it affected your schedule, etc. Maybe you even start journaling each day’s misadventure to collect as many facts as possible. But if you never stop to figure out why it’s happening, you’ll keep running out of gas.
For the same reason, you need to gain insight into why you had your affair. If not, you’re at risk of repeating the behavior despite how much pain or regret you feel right now. Your spouse understands this and wants more assurance than simply hoping it won’t happen again.
Pieces to the puzzle.
You’re not looking for one single answer that explains it all. I’ve never dealt with an affair that could be explained that easily. Affairs tend to be more complicated than that. Coming up with a complete explanation will be like looking for pieces that make up a whole puzzle. Some pieces are bigger than others, but they all play a part in putting together the whole picture.
Explanations are not excuses.
This is important work, but let’s be clear about the reason to come up with answers to “why”: to provide clearer insight into factors that influence your infidelity. You must still accept full responsibility for your choice. Having an affair was not inevitable, so don’t let your explanations become your excuses.
Your attitude should be something like this: “I know there is no excuse for what I did, but I need to understand, as much as possible, why I did it. I know it’s important for you, too. The better I understand what influences contributed to my behavior, the better I can work on the change that assures you of being safe with me in the future.”
Finding the puzzle pieces.
You need to examine your affair(s) carefully. I typically encourage clients to consider these four areas of vulnerability:
Historical Influences: What events from your past may have impacted your decision?
Personal Influences: What personal values, preferences, or traits may have impacted your decision?
Marital Influences: What was happening in your marriage before and during your affair?
Circumstantial Influences: What unique conditions may have contributed to your choice?
Again, none of these CAUSE an affair, but they help you understand the various conditions that created the vulnerability in which the choices for an affair occurred.
Want help? Take the Understanding WHY Course created by Tim Tedder, LMHC.
What should I tell my kids?
I always encourage honesty. Trying to protect yourself, or them, by lying often provides temporary relief at the cost of future consequences. Learning that “the ends justify the means” is not a lesson that contributes to secure trust in a relationship. It is better to say, “I’m not ready to talk about that now,” than to provide a false answer to their questions.
What you tell them depends on their ages and how much detail they already know.
All Children: If you decide not to tell your children now, remain open to a time in the future (perhaps many years from now) when one of them may make a bad choice that results in feelings of shame and failure. At that moment, one of the best gifts you can offer them is a willingness to be authentic and vulnerable by telling your story.
A book I often recommend to unfaithful partners (especially men) is Scary Close by Donald Miller. It's a book about our struggle to be intimate and vulnerable in relationships. In Chapter 12, Great Parents Do This Well, Donald writes about his conversations with Paul Young, author of The Shack. Paul chose to be very open with his children regarding his affair, and that family's perspective provides a helpful insight when considering what to tell or not to tell.
Adult Children: In most cases, if your adult children don’t know about the infidelity and you and your spouse are exploring the possibility of staying together, I encourage you NOT to tell them. Not at first, anyway. Wait until you’ve experienced more healing. When emotions have stabilized, and you both have made progress toward whatever choice has been made regarding your future together, then decide if they need to know.
An honest explanation should be provided if you are moving toward separation or divorce. You and your partner should agree on the exact message. If you cannot agree (which often means the injured partner wants them to know about your infidelity), you are likely better off telling them. Your children, however, do not need to know too many details. Use broad brush strokes to paint an honest picture, but avoid the details. Hopefully, for your children’s sake, your partner will be willing to cooperate with this approach.
Adolescent Children: If your children are teenagers, they likely already know or, at least, have guessed what is happening. If so, don't lie about it. Without getting into details, you should admit what happened but assure them that it is over and that you are taking steps to fix your marriage. (Caution: Don't tell them this if it isn't true. Telling lies to assure and comfort them may buy some temporary peace, but it ultimately does more damage to their trust in you.)
If they have questions, answer them. Keep the lines of communication open with your children, and don't be afraid to check in with them periodically to provide assurance and answer any new questions they might have.
Ages 8-12: Provide fewer details, but if they are aware of the affair, you should admit that you got too close to someone else for a while but that it's over now. Take responsibility. Give them plenty of reassurance with your words and your touch. Let them ask questions and provide answers that are general but honest.
Under age 8: Your child is likely too young to understand anything about an affair, but they'll undoubtedly have some sense of the conflict in your marriage. Address the conflict. Let them know the two of you are having some problems that you are working on. Assure them that they have no responsibility for the conflict. Children that age tend to view the world as though they are at the center of it and will assume that your problems are their fault.
So much damage has been done. Is my life ruined?
It might feel that way. I don't know your story, but I have heard and lived through enough affair consequences to know that shame can become a heavy weight bound to you.
You can't change the past. Your affair will always be a regretful part of your story. But regret still leaves room for hope.
Whether you can believe it or not, there is grace for you. Here’s my definition of grace: Taking a wrong turn and ending up in the right place. You obviously took a wrong turn. You are probably witnessing the significant consequences of that choice. But your story isn’t over yet. The mess you’re in can catalyze some of the most significant positive changes you will ever experience.
If you had an affair and you're feeling hopeless, I'd encourage you to contact me and tell me a little bit about your story. I'd like to encourage you personally.