Is it really an affair if it never became sexual?
A consideration of whether or not non-sexual connection with someone else can be considered an affair.
First, let’s acknowledge that the word “affair” carries quite a punch. Too much energy can be spent on trying to defend against a narrow definition of the word. So let’s use a different word: infidelity. Infidelity occurs when one partner breaks trust by crossing relationship boundaries.
Any relationship that takes the place of what should be given to your partner, either physically or emotionally, should be considered infidelity. It steals what was promised to them and gives it to someone else. Just because the investment is emotional rather than physical doesn't mean it is less severe. Emotional infidelity is often more damaging than an affair that is only sexual, and can be much more challenging to end. If an affair involves both emotional and sexual connections, it becomes even more entangling.
Even online connections that never cross sexual boundaries will likely cause a strong reaction from your partner because they feel betrayed. Any word, feeling, touch, or desire that was promised exclusively to your partner but is given to someone else in a relationship, whether casual or serious, falls into the category of infidelity.
Two Ways to Measure if Your Relationship Is Appropriate
The Silent Witness Test
Imagine that your partner witnesses your private interactions with the other person. They observe how you interact. They hear every word of your conversations. Would they be okay with what they see and hear? And how would they feel if they knew the place in your heart that you were giving to that other person? If not, you’re probably crossing boundaries. The real test of trustworthiness is what you do when you’re not being watched.The Other-Shoe Test
Imagine if your partner were doing precisely what you are doing. They think, speak, and act with someone else just as you are doing. Many people who aggressively defend themselves, claiming there is “nothing wrong” with their actions, quickly change their tune if their partner does the same.
You are probably breaking trust if you don’t pass either of these tests. You are, at least, dipping your toes into the infidelity pool. It’s better to back off before you fall in.
Also Recommended:
Podcast Episode: Crossing the Line - Steps Into Infidelity
Article: Emotional Cheating - But Nothing Physical Happened!
Can it be called an affair if it was just a one-night stand?
Can a one-night stand be considered an affair since there was no emotional connection and it did not continue past the single sexual encounter?
When most couples marry or commit to each other, there is a mutual understanding (usually in the form of a vow) that certain connections outside the relationship will be out of bounds. This includes both physical and emotional connections. When someone violates these boundaries, they break their promise and betray their partner.
Once you become intimately involved with another person (whether emotionally, physically, or both, whether once or many times, whether for a short or a long time) in a way that crosses your relationship boundaries, you have damaged the underlying trust in your relationship.
Your definition of an affair might describe an ongoing relationship instead of a brief encounter, but now is not the time to debate word meanings. Whether you call it a slip-up or an act of infidelity, your choice was a betrayal of trust. If your partner calls it an affair, deal with it like an affair and work toward healing.
My partner wants to know WHY I cheated. How do I answer that?
It is important for you to understand WHY.
After an affair, attention is typically directed toward answering the who, what, when, and where questions. If you expect your spouse to move through the stages of genuine forgiveness and trust, you have to be willing to provide honest answers. But, beyond these, the one question that seems most significant is, “WHY did you do this?”.
This is an essential question for your spouse. They want to understand the motive behind your choices because that will give them the clearest sense of their vulnerability to future betrayal.
Imagine running out of gas while driving your car… every day. At the end of each day, you give a clear account of what happened: where you were, what time it was, your reaction to the event, how it affected your schedule, etc. Maybe you even start journaling each day’s misadventure to collect as many facts as possible. But if you never stop to figure out why it’s happening, you’ll keep running out of gas.
For the same reason, you need to gain insight into why you had your affair. If not, you’re at risk of repeating the behavior despite how much pain or regret you feel right now. Your spouse understands this and wants more assurance than simply hoping it won’t happen again.
Pieces to the puzzle.
You’re not looking for one single answer that explains it all. I’ve never dealt with an affair that could be explained that easily. Affairs tend to be more complicated than that. Coming up with a complete explanation will be like looking for pieces that make up a whole puzzle. Some pieces are bigger than others, but they all play a part in putting together the whole picture.
Explanations are not excuses.
This is important work, but let’s be clear about the reason to come up with answers to “why”: to provide clearer insight into factors that influence your infidelity. You must still accept full responsibility for your choice. Having an affair was not inevitable, so don’t let your explanations become your excuses.
Your attitude should be something like this: “I know there is no excuse for what I did, but I need to understand, as much as possible, why I did it. I know it’s important for you, too. The better I understand what influences contributed to my behavior, the better I can work on the change that assures you of being safe with me in the future.”
Finding the puzzle pieces.
You need to examine your affair(s) carefully. I typically encourage clients to consider these four areas of vulnerability:
Historical Influences: What events from your past may have impacted your decision?
Personal Influences: What personal values, preferences, or traits may have impacted your decision?
Marital Influences: What was happening in your marriage before and during your affair?
Circumstantial Influences: What unique conditions may have contributed to your choice?
Again, none of these CAUSE an affair, but they help you understand the various conditions that created the vulnerability in which the choices for an affair occurred.
