Is it really an affair if it never became sexual?
First, let’s acknowledge that the word “affair” carries quite a punch. Too much energy can be spent on trying to defend against a narrow definition of the word. So let’s use a different word: infidelity. Infidelity occurs when one partner breaks trust by crossing relationship boundaries.
Any relationship that takes the place of what should be given to your partner, either physically or emotionally, should be considered infidelity. It steals what was promised to them and gives it to someone else. Just because the investment is emotional rather than physical doesn't mean it is less severe. Emotional infidelity is often more damaging than an affair that is only sexual, and can be much more challenging to end. If an affair involves both emotional and sexual connections, it becomes even more entangling.
Even online connections that never cross sexual boundaries will likely cause a strong reaction from your partner because they feel betrayed. Any word, feeling, touch, or desire that was promised exclusively to your partner but is given to someone else in a relationship, whether casual or serious, falls into the category of infidelity.
Two Ways to Measure if Your Relationship Is Appropriate
The Silent Witness Test
Imagine that your partner witnesses your private interactions with the other person. They observe how you interact. They hear every word of your conversations. Would they be okay with what they see and hear? And how would they feel if they knew the place in your heart that you were giving to that other person? If not, you’re probably crossing boundaries. The real test of trustworthiness is what you do when you’re not being watched.The Other-Shoe Test
Imagine if your partner were doing precisely what you are doing. They think, speak, and act with someone else just as you are doing. Many people who aggressively defend themselves, claiming there is “nothing wrong” with their actions, quickly change their tune if their partner does the same.
You are probably breaking trust if you don’t pass either of these tests. You are, at least, dipping your toes into the infidelity pool. It’s better to back off before you fall in.
