Why should I return to my marriage if I'm no longer in love with my spouse?
The loss of "in love" feelings is common to those who have been through an affair. It's also common that many doubt whether they were ever genuinely in love with their spouse, especially following an affair that involved a strong emotional connection. Most likely, passion had diminished in your marriage before your affair started and now the emotional jolt you got from the affair makes your marriage feel void of love.
But it wasn't always that way. Your relationship with your spouse started out with a passion you've forgotten. The question is: is it possible to get it back, especially after everything you've been through?
The answer is probably yes if you're willing to put effort into restoring the relationship you had with your spouse. In fact, it's possible to experience greater intimacy with him/her than you've known before. It won't be easy, but the payoff is wonderful.
But why should you have to work at loving your spouse when it seemed to come so naturally with your lover? Because the passion you experienced in the affair was supercharged in a way that cannot be sustained over time. No relationship can sustain that level of emotional euphoria, despite what popular songs and movies sometimes tell us.
Not every marriage can survive an affair. Not every marriage should. But it's too soon to give up if you've fallen out of love. If that's your main reason for leaving your spouse, I'd encourage you first to give time and effort to see if love can be rediscovered in your marriage.
Try completing the downloadable exercise, Reclaiming a Marriage Perspective, to see if there is a more balance view of your marriage that can be rediscovered.
My feelings for my lover are so intense; how can anyone expect me to get over them?
Also recommended: Listen to “It Feels Like Love” - an episode of our Recover Room podcast, available on this website, Apple Podcasts, and any other podcast service.
As mentioned in another answer regarding choosing between your spouse and your lover, it is no surprise that emotions experienced in your affair have been extremely satisfying and passionate. Because of all the dynamics in an affair (relief from feelings of being inadequate or unappreciated; new sexual explorations; sharing the "best" parts of someone without having to deal daily with their worst parts; the thrill of secrecy), your passion may have reached a level you've never known before and may never know again, unless you seek out another affair.
But you need to understand that the dynamics at work in an affair are similar to those that occur in other forms of addictive behavior. There is a definite rush that can't be denied, but whether you want to believe it or not, that rush will not last forever. Just like it was in your marriage, this new relationship will eventually settle into its own "normal."
Whatever inadequacies you took into your relationship with your spouse will be repeated in new relationships as well unless you figure out what needs to change and how to go about changing it.
Let me give you a real-life example of how this plays out. A former client gave me permission to tell his story anonomously in hopes it might help others. Let’s call him Aaron.
I first met Aaron when he and his wife came for counseling after he’d been caught in an affair with a coworker. He wanted to keep his marriage and family together, but was struggling with the love he felt for the affair partner along with the lack of passion he had for his wife. Eventually, Aaron decided he should follow his heart and be happy, so he asked for a divorce so he could start a new life with the woman he loved.
Because of the relationship we’d already developed, I offered to continue counseling Aaron if I could be of any help. Even when I watch clients make choices I know are likely to end in disappointment, it’s not my role to play God in their lives. I wanted to continue encouraging Aaron toward growth and healing, hoping his changes might eventually lead to healing for himself, his children, his ex-wife, and maybe even this new relationship.
Challenges started showing up within the first year as Aaron and his girlfriend had to work through the normal difficulties of two people learning to share life together. Disagreements over expectations and the role of his children in their relationship were especially challenging, but they continued to work through them. But by the end of the second year there were significant struggles, disagreements, and disappointments. During one of our sessions, I brought up this question: “Aaron, it seems to me that the way your a talking about this relationship is similar to the way you talked about your marriage when I first met you. What do you think?”
Aaron: “You’re right. It’s much the same.”
Tim: “Tell me, what’s different in the way you’re responding this time around? What’s changed?”
Aaron: “Not much.”
Tim: “That’s my concern for you, Aaron. You changed your circumstances but didn’t really change yourself. You thought you were choosing something much better, but find yourself in a similar place again.”
I thought that might be the lesson to learn from his story: When the initial limerance of an affair disappates, you are left with yourselves again and the new relationship will start feeling very much like the old one.
But a month later Aaron called me again. He jumped into the conversation: “Tim, you’re not going to believe what I just found out. She’s been cheating on me.”
I’m sorry for all the people who end up being hurt in a story like this, but I don’t have any trouble believing it.
I'm trying to end the affair, but keep going back and forth between my lover and spouse. How do I choose?
Recommended: Listen to “The Ping Pong Effect” - an episode of The Recovery Room podcast available on this website, Apple Podcasts, and any other podcast service.
It is normal to have conflicted thoughts & feelings during this process. When you are confused about your choices, it usually means you have conflicting goals. Real change is hard but nearly impossible if your motivation for change is unclear or conflicted.
Let me tell you a couple of motivations that WON'T work in the long run:
Guilt. Trying to make things "right" just because you feel guilt/shame or because you're trying to do what others say you should do will work for a while, but probably not for very long. Sooner or later, your own needs/desires will demand attention, and you'll be repeating the same choices again.
Happiness. Most people I work with are just trying to find a way to feel happier. They want a relationship with more "connection," better sex, or with less conflict. We all want to be happy! The problem is that any new relationship feels good at the beginning. (And when you add in the secrecy that is part of an affair, the thrill of the experience is heightened even more.) But it doesn't last. What thrills a person today won't thrill them a year or two from now... and they'll have to start looking for the next relationship that makes them feel that way again.
Both of these motivations usually rely on external measures (outside of you): an outward standard of correct behavior or relationships/circumstances to make you happy. In my experience, clients motivated by a desire to avoid guilt or find happiness often go back and forth in their choices. Healthy, consistent change is driven by an INWARD motivation when people have a clear picture of who they want to be.
You need to take the focus off of deciding what person is more exciting or gives you better sex or whatever. I'm not saying those things aren't important, but they are secondary to a more primary question: What kind of person do I want to be? If your answer to that question is clear, your choices become less conflicted because you begin to see which ones help you (and which ones hurt you) become that person.
In my opinion, answering the questions "Why do I think/act the way I do?" and "What kind of person do I want to be?" needs to be a primary focus for someone coming out of an affair. It's a process that requires you to look at your past (the things that influenced how you experience people and events), evaluate your motivations, and develop a clearer perspective of what future change will look like.
If the affair is over, is it okay to have ongoing contact with the affair partner?
The Problem
If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. I have never seen an exception to this. That is why nearly every affair recovery specialist suggests a swift and complete cut-off of all contact with the affair partner.
In the book, Surviving an Affair, Willard Harley states it this way:
"...there is no good reason for the unfaithful spouse to ever see or talk to the former lover. There should be absolutely no contact. In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues related to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover."
In Torn Asunder, David Carder writes:
"...the partners separate physically—move to different locations, change jobs, and so on… If such a decisive break is not made, the recovering [unfaithful partner] will be tempted to renew contact… Continually “running into” the partner damages the trust and refuels the anger of the spouse trying to forgive and rebuild."
An unfaithful partner who resists going to extraordinary measures to break all contact may be guilty of either wanting opportunities to encounter the former lover (even if they try to convince themselves they won’t cross “the line” again) or of failing to have empathy for the betrayed partner’s suffering.
Certain work or social settings may complicate the separation process, but decisions must be made with consideration for what the relationship needs. The necessary choice is often not an easy one. Unfaithful partners committed to making things right may still struggle with the sacrifice required. But sacrifices must be made to protect a betrayed partner from accepting conditions that feel dangerous.
What can be done? If you want relief from the stress of ongoing contact between your partner and the other man/woman, then one of these relief strategies must be followed.
Strategies for Relief
Strategy 1: Do whatever is necessary to break all contact.
The quickest relief to this stress is realized when the affair partner willingly accepts responsibility for making whatever change is needed to end all contact with the former affair partner. When a spouse or partner realizes that severing all ties is the only realistic way to alleviate fears and reestablish trust, they should move quickly and decisively toward the necessary changes to accomplish that separation.
This will often require sacrifice. To save their marriage, I have seen couples make these kinds of changes in an attempt to ensure no more contact:
Selling a home and moving to another location.
Quitting a job or changing vocation.
Stepping away from certain friends or social circles.
Ending participation in hobbies, recreation, events, or organizations they previously enjoyed (or finding new, safe ways to experience them).
Walking away from financial investments.
Why go to such extraordinary measures? Are such dramatic changes necessary if the affair has ended and promises have been made never to start it again? In most cases, yes, for two reasons.
(1) Ongoing contact makes it too easy for the affair to start again.
Intentions to end an affair are usually strongest just after it is disclosed or discovered. The unfaithful partner often works overtime to ensure that the relationship has ended and will never start again. They may be sincere in their intent.
But recovery is a rough process. The betrayed partner will have significant needs and may express disappointment, confusion, sadness, or anger for weeks or months. Contact with the affair partner during this time will make comparisons inevitable: Things were so much easier in the affair. Why should I work so hard at something that makes me feel so miserable? Once this sentiment is expressed to the affair partner, the door opens to that relationship again. Whether the affair was sexual or emotional (or both), its promise of renewed relief strongly entices anyone in such a vulnerable place.
I encourage a “do whatever it takes” approach to ending contact in nearly every affair scenario, but there is one condition in which it is mandatory. If the affair was emotional (feelings of love) and if it was discovered (not ended on its own or confessed), then ongoing interactions between the affair partners will almost certainly result in the continuation of their relationship.
(2) Ongoing contact causes repeated harm to the betrayed partner.
Here is a sentiment I have often heard expressed by an unfaithful partner: “The affair is over, so you need to let it go. Your insecurity is driving us both nuts. I’ve said I’m sorry and told you it’s over, so you need to trust me.”
They say this as though they believed they would be capable of blind trust if the situation were reversed, but this is never true. The betrayed partner will feel unsettled and fearful whenever circumstances enable ongoing contact between two affair participants.
This is not the betrayed partner’s fault. They did not cause this trauma; they are victim of it. And as long as the danger of ongoing contact remains, they will struggle in every attempt to move toward forgiveness and trust.
Breaking all contact is an act of loving commitment. It demonstrates the sincerity of the unfaithful partner. It provides a safe context for healing affair wounds and nurturing relationship bonds.
This “break all contact” strategy should be followed if possible, but I understand why there may be exceptions. Sometimes there are legal considerations (for example, when the unfaithful partner owns the business where the affair partner is employed). Sometimes a tremendous financial risk is not worth taking due to family needs, including medical. And the desire for complete separation might not feel as necessary (in a work setting, for example) if the affair ended years ago but was only recently disclosed. Whatever the reason, if both partners agree that some degree of ongoing contact may be necessary, then the focus should shift to implementing the second strategy.
Strategy 2: Work together to reclaim that “space” for your marriage/relationship.
If the affair partner remains present in a work or social setting from which the unfaithful partner cannot immediately separate, then the couple should work together to send clear messages that their marriage/relationship is secure and off-limits to others. Every attempt should be made for the betrayed partner to feel welcomed and wanted in the places (work or social settings) that were touched by the affair.
Steve had a 7-month affair with a co-worker in a respected marketing firm. After discovering the affair, Judy, his wife, agreed that he should not leave his job. But she clearly explained that for her to feel secure about his time at work, he needed to be more intentional about making her feel invited to the workspace.
They discussed this during one of their counseling sessions. At first, Steve resisted the idea of his wife visiting him at the office. His caution, it seemed to me, stemmed from a genuine concern about whether this mixing of work and marriage would seem inappropriate to co-workers. He also feared that Judy’s insecurity might cause her to show up too often and interfere with his job.
Judy didn't back down. She explained that she would have difficulty trusting him if she remained excluded from his workplace. Steve agreed to make the necessary changes.
Here are some of the ways this couple used office visits as part of their recovery:
Judy had a new photo taken of the two of them, put it in a frame, and gave it to Steve as a gift of hope, asking him to keep it on his desk.
She brought food to the office twice a week so they could spend lunchtime together.
Steve committed to showing appropriate but open expressions of affection to his wife in front of others (welcoming her with a hug, holding her hand, saying “I love you,” etc.).
He agreed to welcome unannounced visits or phone calls from Judy. Judy agreed to refrain from constant interruptions and to respect Steve’s need to do his work.
Judy agreed to avoid any confrontation with the other woman at the office. On one visit, the other woman was in the hallway outside the office as Judy arrived. Judy stopped next to her, looked at her, smiled, then walked into Steve’s office. Nothing else needed to be said.
As time went on, the office lunches became less frequent. They still meet for lunch but usually go to a nearby cafe. Steve’s workplace feels safer for Judy, and Steve has learned that he can trust her to respect the attention his job demands.
Working with an ex-lover is a vulnerable situation. A betrayed partner knows this instinctively. They cannot wish the danger away or pretend it doesn't exist. The remedy for reducing their stress is either to leave the dangerous environment (Strategy 1) or regain control and comfort in the environment (Strategy 2).
But what if the unfaithful partner is unwilling to make the required changes for either strategy? Sadly, the betrayed partner will be left to save him/herself with Strategy 3.
Strategy 3: The injured partner exits the unsafe environment.
Let me restate the problem: If any contact remains between a spouse/partner and their affair partner, even if it is due to career expectations or long-established social interactions, the betrayed partner will experience ongoing stress. There should be no expectation of diminishing stress while two ex-lovers have ongoing contact in an environment that excludes the betrayed partner.
A person in this situation should realize that their stress is not due to their inability to cope. On the contrary, their stress is a natural response to risk. Sometimes the only way to alleviate the fear is by removing themselves from the danger. Separation from their partner may be necessary.
I am mindful that, to some people, the cost of separation seems too great; leaving the relationship feels like trading one problem for another. The financial or emotional burden of separating may be too much, so the choice between "bad or worse" keeps them stuck until something shifts. It is a decision that each individual must carefully consider. Still, if there is any reasonable way to separate, even for a little while, my encouragement would be to do so.