Download: From Betrayal to Empathy

Written by Tim Tedder

From Betrayal to Empathy addresses how a betrayer can become an empathetic partner in the affair recovery process. Can empathy be learned? Can it be offered to a betrayed spouse in a way that makes it more likely to be received? These questions are considered along with practical steps to help learn and practice empathy.

Note: This article was written for publication on emotionalaffairjourney.org, so it is only offered here as a download.

Quotes about empathy from other affair recovery authors:

The Importance of Empathy

• “One of the best predictors of how successful a couple is going to be in saving their marriage after infidelity is how much empathy they have for each other. More important than the actual problems that exist in the marriage is whether each person can walk for a while in the other’s shoes. Can the involved partner feel what the betrayed spouse is going through and understand the humiliation, the anger, and the need to go over and over what has happened in the past? Can the betrayed partner feel the loss and the guilt that the unfaithful spouse is living through?” —Dr. Shirley Glass in NOT Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

What Is Empathy?

• “In the original Star Trek TV series, Mr. Spock used telepathy to do a Vulcan mind meld with others so he could share their experiences. To succeed, he had to shut off his own consciousness for a while. This is close to what I mean by empathy, particularly when your partner is expressing hurt, anger, or sadness. [It] requires a mind meld of such intensity that you almost become your partner, experiencing his or her feelings. We all have this ability, but to utilize it we must let go of our own opinions and emotions for a while.” —Dr. John Gottman in What Makes Love Last: How To Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal

  “Empathizing is the deepest level of listening. You exhibit empathy for your partner when you show that you understand the underlying emotions behind the message. For example, ‘You must feel a wave of panic when we get one of those hang-up calls because it might look to you like my affair isn’t really over…’ With each caring gesture, each episode of attentive listening, each effort to understand each other’s experience, you have strengthened the empathy and understanding that are essential conditions for forgiveness.”—Dr. Shirley Glass

• “It is difficult for most of us to hear about how much we have hurt a loved one. Yet, when a betrayer allows shame, defensiveness, and self-absorption to get in the way, then he or she remains unable to get into the hurt partner’s shoes.
  “Successful Rebuilders openly care about the sorrows they have inflicted upon the faithful spouses. They don’t avoid emotional outbursts of betrayed partners. They accept their partner’s rights to express their feelings. They sincerely apologize repeatedly and seek to soothe their partner’s emotional pain…
  “Successful Rebuilders show concern for the damage they’ve caused in personal, engaging ways. They are truly grieved to have harmed their beloved. They know that sharing their partner’s pain through the gifts of genuine remorse and heartfelt apologies lessens the burden of sorrow for the betrayed…
  “They realize that by choosing the path of empathy, they become more selfless, compassionate, and caring persons—just the opposite of who they were when they engaged in their affairs. This requires thoughtful reflection and practice, practice, practice.” —Linda MacDonald in How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

What Makes Empathy Difficult?

1. Unfamiliar Suffering

• “The truth is, unless you have been in the same situation and felt as badly about it as your spouse, you probably won’t be able to understand what it’s like for your spouse to be going through this ‘season of emotional suffering.’ In fact, you might tell your spouse, ‘I can’t possibly completely understand your pain, but I want to do whatever I can to help you through it.’” —Michele Weiner-Davis in Healing from Infidelity

2. Anger

• “When your partner is upset, be on his or her team whether the issue is trivial or significant. If you think your mate is overreacting or should have a ‘different’ emotional response, stifle the urge to offer your opinion and suggestions. After years of studying couples who have maintained long and happy marriages, I can assure you that being the voice of reason is not always the best approach. Let other people play that role. Yours is to let the person you love know that you’re standing with him or her. You get and accept his or her emotions as valid—because all feelings are.” —Dr. John Gottman

3. Emotional Flooding

• “[Emotional] flooding is deadly to relationships. The extreme nature of the body’s response makes rational thought almost impossible. In a form of what psychologists call ‘tunnel vision,’ the eyes and ears focus only on potential warning signs and escape routes. Nothing else gets through. The sense of humor goes on hiatus, as does the ability to listen, solve problems, or understand another’s emotions… [Asking] the afflicted partner to express empathy for the other, which right then he or she is incapable of doing… just worsens the couple’s relationship woes.” —Dr. John Gottman