STRATEGY 2: Turn cages into clouds.
[page 3 of the Obsessive Focus article]
[page 3 of the Obsessive Focus article]
During the first weeks following the discovery of an affair, it is normal for a betrayed spouse to be consumed with thoughts and questions about the affair. This is an extremely stressful period. In most cases, tension begins to subside as fear is replaced by hope, or confusion is replaced by new direction and purpose.
For some, however, the stress is so overwhelming that they begin to wonder if life will ever feel “normal” again. They fear this may their new reality: a cage from which they will never escape; a trap of endless anxiety.
If not properly confronted, the fear itself becomes the new enemy. Instead of seeing their condition as a temporary consequence brought on by the pain of betrayal, the wounded individual begins to believe in the permanence of this anxious state. They view themselves as a powerless prisoner rather than a wounded traveler.
Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you need to understand this truth: you are not trapped in these moments. They are real, but they are temporary. They are clouds, not cages. You will experience quite a few of them, but you can pass through them all. Eventually, they will thin out and go away for good.
The next time you begin to experience the familiar anxiety, don’t try to suppress it. Meet it head on but say (out loud, if you want to!), “You are not a cage, you are a cloud I will walk through.” For a moment, give attention to whatever is necessary (pain, grief, fear). Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal, if you want, but then move out of the cloud. The next two strategies will help you do this.
For some, however, the stress is so overwhelming that they begin to wonder if life will ever feel “normal” again. They fear this may their new reality: a cage from which they will never escape; a trap of endless anxiety.
If not properly confronted, the fear itself becomes the new enemy. Instead of seeing their condition as a temporary consequence brought on by the pain of betrayal, the wounded individual begins to believe in the permanence of this anxious state. They view themselves as a powerless prisoner rather than a wounded traveler.
Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you need to understand this truth: you are not trapped in these moments. They are real, but they are temporary. They are clouds, not cages. You will experience quite a few of them, but you can pass through them all. Eventually, they will thin out and go away for good.
The next time you begin to experience the familiar anxiety, don’t try to suppress it. Meet it head on but say (out loud, if you want to!), “You are not a cage, you are a cloud I will walk through.” For a moment, give attention to whatever is necessary (pain, grief, fear). Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal, if you want, but then move out of the cloud. The next two strategies will help you do this.
Obsessive Focus: Article Contents
- Understanding the Problem
- Relief#1: Take 3 steps toward controlling your affair conversation.
- Relief#2: Turn cages into clouds.
- Relief#3: Redirect negative thoughts.
- Relief#4: Start a Flip Journal™.
- Relief#5: Create a Sleep Story.
- Relief#6: Release your grip on the past.
- Relief#7: Increase your support.
- Relief#8: Seek help from an EMDR counselor.
- One Final Word
Copyright ©2009-2022, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC & contributing authors. Content on this site cannot be used or reproduced without permission. AffairHealing.com is a resource of Currents Services, LLC.