One final word...
[page 10 of the Obsessive Focus article]
It can be especially difficult to become unstuck from negative thinking when a marriage ends as a result of an affair. I once had a client whose husband continued to chose the other woman. My client struggled with constant thoughts of shame, fear, and hopelessness. After one email exchange, I responded with this message:
"I know you are in a very hard place and dealing with tremendous pain & uncertainty. Honestly, I wish I could do something to change this for you because I do care about you and want you to be experiencing something different. But what you want, he is not willing to give you. He has made other choices. You cannot change his heart and mind.
"Now you have to take responsibility for what is happening. Things are staying stuck not just because he cannot or will not change, but because the same is true of you, too. (You know me well enough, I think, to know I do not say this in harshness or judgement, but with softness and sorrow.)
"When you can face your fear and walk through it, you will begin taking charge of your life. Will there be pain? Yes. Is there uncertainty. Yes. Are there guarantees? No... except for this: once you determine that you have the capacity to make choices that are right for you and refuse to be trapped in someone else's destructive cycle, then you will become unstuck. Then you will be motivated by something so much better than fear.
"You do not have to be a victim anymore. You have a choice in this. Whether or not you can see it, there is hope for something on the other side even if you are without him."
After more work, she was able to write this:
"When I think how sad I was a month ago at this time & how happy I am right now, it's hard to put it into words but I think you know what I'm trying to say. It's all those things we've talked about so many times.... especially having hope. Thanks for always encouraging me."
Reader, I hope you are encouraged, too.
[page 10 of the Obsessive Focus article]
It can be especially difficult to become unstuck from negative thinking when a marriage ends as a result of an affair. I once had a client whose husband continued to chose the other woman. My client struggled with constant thoughts of shame, fear, and hopelessness. After one email exchange, I responded with this message:
"I know you are in a very hard place and dealing with tremendous pain & uncertainty. Honestly, I wish I could do something to change this for you because I do care about you and want you to be experiencing something different. But what you want, he is not willing to give you. He has made other choices. You cannot change his heart and mind.
"Now you have to take responsibility for what is happening. Things are staying stuck not just because he cannot or will not change, but because the same is true of you, too. (You know me well enough, I think, to know I do not say this in harshness or judgement, but with softness and sorrow.)
"When you can face your fear and walk through it, you will begin taking charge of your life. Will there be pain? Yes. Is there uncertainty. Yes. Are there guarantees? No... except for this: once you determine that you have the capacity to make choices that are right for you and refuse to be trapped in someone else's destructive cycle, then you will become unstuck. Then you will be motivated by something so much better than fear.
"You do not have to be a victim anymore. You have a choice in this. Whether or not you can see it, there is hope for something on the other side even if you are without him."
After more work, she was able to write this:
"When I think how sad I was a month ago at this time & how happy I am right now, it's hard to put it into words but I think you know what I'm trying to say. It's all those things we've talked about so many times.... especially having hope. Thanks for always encouraging me."
Reader, I hope you are encouraged, too.
Obsessive Focus: Article Contents
- Understanding the Problem
- Relief#1: Take 3 steps toward controlling your affair conversation.
- Relief#2: Turn cages into clouds.
- Relief#3: Redirect negative thoughts.
- Relief#4: Start a Flip Journal™.
- Relief#5: Create a Sleep Story.
- Relief#6: Release your grip on the past.
- Relief#7: Increase your support.
- Relief#8: Seek help from an EMDR counselor.
- One Final Word
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