Strategies for Relief
STRATEGY 1: Take 3 steps toward controlling your affair conversations.
[page 2 of the Obsessive Focus article]
One complaint I frequently hear from people who had an affair sounds something like this: “My spouse won’t quit talking about it. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s getting to the point that I dread coming home because I know another list of questions will be waiting. They’re not even new questions; we talk about the same thing over and over again.”
I encourage betrayed partners to take control of their affair conversations by following these three steps.
First Step: Have a Total Truth Talk.
I am often surprised by how many times I will come across unfaithful partners, and sometimes even other therapists, who believe that recovery can be achieved apart from an honest conversation about affair details. Refusing to talk openly and honestly about the affair leaves the wound infected; confession is a cleansing ritual that allows the injury to heal.
Most affair partners are reluctant to talk about the affair, even if their only motive is a desire to guard against further pain. If you have been betrayed, you need to be clear about why it is important to know the truth. Give assurance that you do not want to use the information to accuse or shame your partner, but help him/her understand that before you can begin to trust, you need to know they are willing to start risking honesty. And before you can forgive, you need to a clear understanding of the offense.
One of the best expressions of this need is found in a letter one man wrote to his wife explaining why he needs her to tell him about her affair. He starts the letter this way:
“I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards…
“I can actually see that through your eyes you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes…” (The full letter is posted in this article: Need for Answers.)
Is there a limit to how much detail should be shared? Absolutely. Anything that comes out of this conversation cannot be unheard, so care should be given in regard to what questions are asked. Spouses who ask detailed questions about sexual experiences, or places, or specific dates and times usually regret knowing these things later on, although they seemed desperate to know them in the moment.
Great consideration should be given to whether each question will help or hinder ongoing recovery. But in the end, the betrayed partner should be the one who finally decides what questions should be asked. If the affair partner has concerns, then you both should agree to only discuss these things with the help of a qualified counselor, religious leader, or someone you both agree to be trustworthy and fair.
Additional information about the affair question & answer process can be found on these pages: Asking About the Affair and Telling Affair Details.
Second Step: Intentionally limit ongoing conversations.
Once questions have been answered, the betrayed partner should immediately begin limiting the number of times they talk about the affair. Some infidelity counselors insist that affair questions stop completely once the Truth Talk is done, but this seems too abrupt for many clients. Instead, I encourage them to begin self-regulating their conversations. If they were previously talking about the affair every day, I encourage them to commit to only 3 conversations a week for two weeks. I also recommend defining a limit to the length of each talk (15 minutes to an hour) and never starting a conversation just prior to bedtime.
Between conversations, any question or thought about the affair should be written in a notebook. Prior to a planned conversation, the notebook can be reviewed to determine which issues still need to be discussed. After two weeks, move to 2 conversations per week, then down to one, then “as needed” but no more than once per week.
Third Step: Announce your final affair conversation.
Talking about the same things again and again may bring you momentary relief, but without long-term comfort. If things do not change, your partner will become increasingly resentful or avoid being around you. As soon as you can admit that no new information is being discussed, make the choice to stop talking about affair details. Announce this to your partner and commit to following through.
You can continue to be honest about the feelings you experience as a result of the affair (fear, sadness, hurt, anger), but keep the focus of your conversation on the present. The only reason to talk about past affair details again is if new information arises, or if both of you are in agreement concerning the desire to discuss these things.
[page 2 of the Obsessive Focus article]
One complaint I frequently hear from people who had an affair sounds something like this: “My spouse won’t quit talking about it. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s getting to the point that I dread coming home because I know another list of questions will be waiting. They’re not even new questions; we talk about the same thing over and over again.”
I encourage betrayed partners to take control of their affair conversations by following these three steps.
First Step: Have a Total Truth Talk.
I am often surprised by how many times I will come across unfaithful partners, and sometimes even other therapists, who believe that recovery can be achieved apart from an honest conversation about affair details. Refusing to talk openly and honestly about the affair leaves the wound infected; confession is a cleansing ritual that allows the injury to heal.
Most affair partners are reluctant to talk about the affair, even if their only motive is a desire to guard against further pain. If you have been betrayed, you need to be clear about why it is important to know the truth. Give assurance that you do not want to use the information to accuse or shame your partner, but help him/her understand that before you can begin to trust, you need to know they are willing to start risking honesty. And before you can forgive, you need to a clear understanding of the offense.
One of the best expressions of this need is found in a letter one man wrote to his wife explaining why he needs her to tell him about her affair. He starts the letter this way:
“I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards…
“I can actually see that through your eyes you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes…” (The full letter is posted in this article: Need for Answers.)
Is there a limit to how much detail should be shared? Absolutely. Anything that comes out of this conversation cannot be unheard, so care should be given in regard to what questions are asked. Spouses who ask detailed questions about sexual experiences, or places, or specific dates and times usually regret knowing these things later on, although they seemed desperate to know them in the moment.
Great consideration should be given to whether each question will help or hinder ongoing recovery. But in the end, the betrayed partner should be the one who finally decides what questions should be asked. If the affair partner has concerns, then you both should agree to only discuss these things with the help of a qualified counselor, religious leader, or someone you both agree to be trustworthy and fair.
Additional information about the affair question & answer process can be found on these pages: Asking About the Affair and Telling Affair Details.
Second Step: Intentionally limit ongoing conversations.
Once questions have been answered, the betrayed partner should immediately begin limiting the number of times they talk about the affair. Some infidelity counselors insist that affair questions stop completely once the Truth Talk is done, but this seems too abrupt for many clients. Instead, I encourage them to begin self-regulating their conversations. If they were previously talking about the affair every day, I encourage them to commit to only 3 conversations a week for two weeks. I also recommend defining a limit to the length of each talk (15 minutes to an hour) and never starting a conversation just prior to bedtime.
Between conversations, any question or thought about the affair should be written in a notebook. Prior to a planned conversation, the notebook can be reviewed to determine which issues still need to be discussed. After two weeks, move to 2 conversations per week, then down to one, then “as needed” but no more than once per week.
Third Step: Announce your final affair conversation.
Talking about the same things again and again may bring you momentary relief, but without long-term comfort. If things do not change, your partner will become increasingly resentful or avoid being around you. As soon as you can admit that no new information is being discussed, make the choice to stop talking about affair details. Announce this to your partner and commit to following through.
You can continue to be honest about the feelings you experience as a result of the affair (fear, sadness, hurt, anger), but keep the focus of your conversation on the present. The only reason to talk about past affair details again is if new information arises, or if both of you are in agreement concerning the desire to discuss these things.
Obsessive Focus: Article Contents
- Understanding the Problem
- Relief#1: Take 3 steps toward controlling your affair conversation.
- Relief#2: Turn cages into clouds.
- Relief#3: Redirect negative thoughts.
- Relief#4: Start a Flip Journal™.
- Relief#5: Create a Sleep Story.
- Relief#6: Release your grip on the past.
- Relief#7: Increase your support.
- Relief#8: Seek help from an EMDR counselor.
- One Final Word
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