Forgiving an Affair: Fake Forgiveness
by Tim Tedder | Articles Index
Another Saturday night. Jake sat at the table with a group of friends, sipping at his wine while inwardly bracing himself. His wife, Marci, had started in again with the jokes—the thinly-veiled criticisms—told at his expense. Ever since her affair, she seemed to slip more easily into these demeaning and embarrassing comments. Friends laughed, some of them glancing at Jake to check his reaction. He pretended to join them in the fun.
Driving home, Marci felt uncomfortable in the familiar quiet. "Don't take it so personally, Jake. I was just joking around. Nobody took it seriously." Jake remained quiet. "Com'on, Jake. You're not going to be mad about this, are you?"
He measured his response."I'm not mad. It's okay. We don't need to talk about it anymore." Marci, satisfied enough, slumped against the passenger door. Jake stared at the road as he drove home. All forgiven. All forgotten. Not really.
Fake forgiveness is offered with a smile covering clenched teeth. It's an attempt to gloss over an offense and pretend everything is fine when, in truth, unresolved hurt and resentment remain. Whereas premature forgiveness is soon cast aside, fake forgiveness is usually held onto as though it were the real thing.
Sometimes people get so good at being Fake Forgivers they don't even realize they're doing it. They profess forgiveness, but find themselves experiencing feelings of anxiety, anger, or depression they cannot explain. Their hidden resentments are often expressed in passive-aggressive behaviors (e.g., "Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot to do that for you.").
Why do people fake forgive an affair? Some do it because they are afraid of the conflict they would have to endure if they really tried to resolve their sense of betrayal. Others believe forgiveness is always required so they need to "just do it." Regardless of the reason, fake forgiving inevitably fails to provide genuine healing after an affair. Instead of allowing the injury to be cleaned out so that it can heal properly, fake forgiveness simply slaps a bandage over it and pretends everything is fine. While things look good on the surface, the injury continues to fester.
To make sure you are offering genuine forgiveness for an affair, keep these things in mind:
Driving home, Marci felt uncomfortable in the familiar quiet. "Don't take it so personally, Jake. I was just joking around. Nobody took it seriously." Jake remained quiet. "Com'on, Jake. You're not going to be mad about this, are you?"
He measured his response."I'm not mad. It's okay. We don't need to talk about it anymore." Marci, satisfied enough, slumped against the passenger door. Jake stared at the road as he drove home. All forgiven. All forgotten. Not really.
Fake forgiveness is offered with a smile covering clenched teeth. It's an attempt to gloss over an offense and pretend everything is fine when, in truth, unresolved hurt and resentment remain. Whereas premature forgiveness is soon cast aside, fake forgiveness is usually held onto as though it were the real thing.
Sometimes people get so good at being Fake Forgivers they don't even realize they're doing it. They profess forgiveness, but find themselves experiencing feelings of anxiety, anger, or depression they cannot explain. Their hidden resentments are often expressed in passive-aggressive behaviors (e.g., "Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot to do that for you.").
Why do people fake forgive an affair? Some do it because they are afraid of the conflict they would have to endure if they really tried to resolve their sense of betrayal. Others believe forgiveness is always required so they need to "just do it." Regardless of the reason, fake forgiving inevitably fails to provide genuine healing after an affair. Instead of allowing the injury to be cleaned out so that it can heal properly, fake forgiveness simply slaps a bandage over it and pretends everything is fine. While things look good on the surface, the injury continues to fester.
To make sure you are offering genuine forgiveness for an affair, keep these things in mind:
- Fake forgiveness ignores or minimizes the hurt. Genuine forgiveness can only be offered after your hurt from of the affair is acknowledged. If you are not honestly recognizing and admitting your hurt, then you are not honestly recognizing or admitting the offense. If it is not truly acknowledged, it cannot be truly forgiven.
- Fake forgiveness is quickly stated with the expectation that you simply declare it and then move on. Genuine forgiveness is usually a process, not an event. Small offenses, like small cuts, can be easily mended, but major wounds require more time. An affair is a major wound, and so it will take more time. If forgiveness comes, it will likely be offered and then repeatedly reaffirmed as healing progresses.
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Forgiveness Articles Index:
Premature Forgiveness
Fake Forgiveness
Bartered Forgiveness
Decisional Forgiveness
Full Forgiveness
Other articles on forgiveness:
Powerless Forgiveness
Forgiveness Articles Index:
Premature Forgiveness
Fake Forgiveness
Bartered Forgiveness
Decisional Forgiveness
Full Forgiveness
Other articles on forgiveness:
Powerless Forgiveness
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