Forgiving an Affair
article series written by Tim Tedder | Articles Index
Searching for Real Forgiveness
If a marriage is going to survive an affair, it is essential that, at some point, forgiveness be offered and received. A couple will never be able to find themselves in a trusting, intimate relationship if genuine forgiveness is not experienced. Even if the marriage does not survive, forgiveness is still an important process to consider so that both the betrayed spouse and the affair spouse can experience healing.
But forgiveness is often a problem in the process of recovery. Beyond the question of whether or not to forgive, many people struggle with what real forgiveness even means. They ask many questions: What is forgiveness? What does it require? Even if I want it, how do I get to the place of giving it, or getting it? How long does it last? What if I can't do it?
The following articles attempt to answer those questions by taking a look at five kinds of forgiveness. The first three are kinds of forgiveness that are not genuine, although they are common. These three patterns of "unreal" forgiveness actually end up working against the relationship, rather than for it. The last two kinds of forgiveness are real; they engage the offended (and usually the offender) in ways that allow the offense be left behind. Although you will never forget the affair and may feel some aspect of its pain for the rest of your life, forgiveness takes the power of the offense away so that it stops inflicting damage on the relationship.
If a marriage is going to survive an affair, it is essential that, at some point, forgiveness be offered and received. A couple will never be able to find themselves in a trusting, intimate relationship if genuine forgiveness is not experienced. Even if the marriage does not survive, forgiveness is still an important process to consider so that both the betrayed spouse and the affair spouse can experience healing.
But forgiveness is often a problem in the process of recovery. Beyond the question of whether or not to forgive, many people struggle with what real forgiveness even means. They ask many questions: What is forgiveness? What does it require? Even if I want it, how do I get to the place of giving it, or getting it? How long does it last? What if I can't do it?
The following articles attempt to answer those questions by taking a look at five kinds of forgiveness. The first three are kinds of forgiveness that are not genuine, although they are common. These three patterns of "unreal" forgiveness actually end up working against the relationship, rather than for it. The last two kinds of forgiveness are real; they engage the offended (and usually the offender) in ways that allow the offense be left behind. Although you will never forget the affair and may feel some aspect of its pain for the rest of your life, forgiveness takes the power of the offense away so that it stops inflicting damage on the relationship.
Let's look at the these 5 kinds of forgiveness. Click the titles or links to read each complete article.
Forgiveness that isn't real.
1. Premature Forgiveness
Forgiveness that is offered too quickly following an affair, before the true depth of the betrayal is understood or experienced. Read »
2. Fake Forgiveness
Forgiveness that is artificial; pretending that everything is fine while unresolved hurt and resentment remain. Read »
3. Bartered Forgiveness
Forgiveness that is given with a condition; the forgiver expects to get something in return and withdraws their forgiveness if they do not get what they want. Read »
Forgiveness that is real.
4. Decisional Forgiveness
Is it possible to forgive if your spouse isn't showing genuine remorse for his/her affair? Or what if they just don't seem sorry enough? Sometimes, we may choose to forgive even while some of the emotional pain remains unresolved. Read »
5. Full Forgiveness
More than just a choice, this level of forgiveness provides an emotional relief from the anger and resentment you hold against your spouse. This usually comes only when the affair spouse is fully engaged in the process with ongoing expressions of genuine remorse. Read »
Forgiveness that isn't real.
1. Premature Forgiveness
Forgiveness that is offered too quickly following an affair, before the true depth of the betrayal is understood or experienced. Read »
2. Fake Forgiveness
Forgiveness that is artificial; pretending that everything is fine while unresolved hurt and resentment remain. Read »
3. Bartered Forgiveness
Forgiveness that is given with a condition; the forgiver expects to get something in return and withdraws their forgiveness if they do not get what they want. Read »
Forgiveness that is real.
4. Decisional Forgiveness
Is it possible to forgive if your spouse isn't showing genuine remorse for his/her affair? Or what if they just don't seem sorry enough? Sometimes, we may choose to forgive even while some of the emotional pain remains unresolved. Read »
5. Full Forgiveness
More than just a choice, this level of forgiveness provides an emotional relief from the anger and resentment you hold against your spouse. This usually comes only when the affair spouse is fully engaged in the process with ongoing expressions of genuine remorse. Read »
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