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What should I tell my kids?

You need to be honest with your children, but what you tell them depends on their ages and how much detail they already know. If your children are teenagers, it's likely that they already know or, at least, have guessed what is happening. If so, don't lie about it. Without getting into details, you should admit what happened, but then assure them that it is over and that you are taking steps to fix your marriage. (Caution: Don't tell them this if it isn't true. Telling lies just to assure and comfort them may buy some temporary peace, but it ultimately do more damage to their trust in you.)

​If they have questions, answer them. Keep the lines of communication open with your children and don't be afraid to check in with them periodically to provide assurance and to answer any new questions they might have.

Ages 8-12: Provide fewer details, but if they have any awareness of the affair, you need to admit that you got too close to someone else for a while, but that it's over now. Take responsibility. Give them plenty of reassurance with your words and your touch. Let them ask questions and provide answers that are general but honest.

Under age 8: Your child is likely too young to understand anything about an affair, but they'll certainly have some sense of the conflict in your marriage. Address the conflict. Let them know the two of you are having some problems that you are working on. Assure them that they have no responsibility for the conflict. Children that age tend to view the world as though they are at the center of it and will assume that your problems are their fault.
Additional Resources:
  • AUDIO: I encourage you to listen to the audio broadcast: Children & Affairs. A brother and sister talk about their experiences growing up in a family being torn apart by an affair. This will provide helpful insight into the perspective of children and what they wish they knew (and wish they didn't know) about what was going on.
  • BOOK: A book I often recommend to unfaithful partners (especially men) is Scary Close by Donald Miller. It's a book about our struggle to be truly intimate and vulnerable in relationships. In Chapter 12, Great Parents Do This Well, Donald writes about his conversations with Paul Young, author of The Shack. Paul chose to be very open with his children regarding his affair and that family's perspective provides a helpful insight when considering what to tell or not to tell.