podcast 107 "Children & Affairs"
Tim has an open conversation with two of his children, Cara & Caleb, about their experiences in a family that was being torn apart by his affair.
Additional Resources:
- Free Guide > How to Tell Your Children About Separation and Divorce
- Children In Between: An online co-parenting program for divorcing and separating parents developed by the Center for Divorce Education. I encourage separating parents with children to take this course. The cost of about $50 per person is well worth the investment.
Buy the Podcast transcript bundle and you'll receive ALL AVAILABLE GUIDES AND TRANSCRIPTS PLUS ALL FUTURE TRANSCRIPTS & GUIDES for the Recovery Room at no additional cost. Yes, that means that EVERY transcript we make available in the future will be available to you for free!
The podcast and other resources offered on AffairHealing.com are supported through donations like these. Thank you!
Transcript Excerpt:
...Tim: Well, I know you guys were really confused by all of that. You weren't really sure what was going on or what it meant. There was a lot that went on. What stands out most in your memories about that time during the affair?
Cara: It's twofold. One: mom’s pain. Being the oldest, I think I was exposed to it the most and brought into a scenario that wasn’t healthy... I was fourteen; I didn’t process it in a healthy manner...
Some of the news I was pulled into did damage. I think Mom told me too much and brought me in as her ally. Because of that, I was not permitted to own my own pain in the scenario. I mean, I wanted to love her, I wanted to help, I wanted to be her comfort, but it was a good year and a half that she laid in bed crying. The details she told me about the affair and the stuff she had me do for her, like investigating things, that hurt me...
But I also felt a pull when I was with you. You wanted me to understand your side of things. II get that; I would want that for my child, too, but I don't necessarily think it's healthy. I would hang out with you and hear your side then hang out with mom and hear her side. I felt stuck. I felt like I didn't know what the right thing to do was. You and mom were caught up in your own pain and at times your children's feelings were not considered.
Caleb: It seemed like you guys were on opposite sides. Before that, I was completely unaware of anything going on in either of your lives that would have caused me to view you as anything but perfect. I had no idea that you made mistakes. Then, all of a sudden, it was extremely obvious there were two people on very different sides. Before, if you told me jump off a bridge I would probably jump off a bridge because why would I doubt you? Suddenly, I had no idea if I could trust either of you because you both would tell us very different stories. When we told something to the other parent, that parent would say, “Oh, that's not true, they’re lying to you.”
That's what happened a lot of times when we went home to Mom. The reaction I remember more from you was “Well, that's not completely true; you haven't heard my full side of the story” because you probably felt like mom was spinning things against you.
As a child, you definitely move away from having two parents you can trust to guide you to having two parents with whom you need to figure out who’s lying and who's not. You’re kind of caught in the middle trying to figure that out...
Transcript Excerpt:
...Tim: Well, I know you guys were really confused by all of that. You weren't really sure what was going on or what it meant. There was a lot that went on. What stands out most in your memories about that time during the affair?
Cara: It's twofold. One: mom’s pain. Being the oldest, I think I was exposed to it the most and brought into a scenario that wasn’t healthy... I was fourteen; I didn’t process it in a healthy manner...
Some of the news I was pulled into did damage. I think Mom told me too much and brought me in as her ally. Because of that, I was not permitted to own my own pain in the scenario. I mean, I wanted to love her, I wanted to help, I wanted to be her comfort, but it was a good year and a half that she laid in bed crying. The details she told me about the affair and the stuff she had me do for her, like investigating things, that hurt me...
But I also felt a pull when I was with you. You wanted me to understand your side of things. II get that; I would want that for my child, too, but I don't necessarily think it's healthy. I would hang out with you and hear your side then hang out with mom and hear her side. I felt stuck. I felt like I didn't know what the right thing to do was. You and mom were caught up in your own pain and at times your children's feelings were not considered.
Caleb: It seemed like you guys were on opposite sides. Before that, I was completely unaware of anything going on in either of your lives that would have caused me to view you as anything but perfect. I had no idea that you made mistakes. Then, all of a sudden, it was extremely obvious there were two people on very different sides. Before, if you told me jump off a bridge I would probably jump off a bridge because why would I doubt you? Suddenly, I had no idea if I could trust either of you because you both would tell us very different stories. When we told something to the other parent, that parent would say, “Oh, that's not true, they’re lying to you.”
That's what happened a lot of times when we went home to Mom. The reaction I remember more from you was “Well, that's not completely true; you haven't heard my full side of the story” because you probably felt like mom was spinning things against you.
As a child, you definitely move away from having two parents you can trust to guide you to having two parents with whom you need to figure out who’s lying and who's not. You’re kind of caught in the middle trying to figure that out...
podcast 107: Bonus Clip | What Helped Caleb
In this additional 4-minute clip, Caleb explains how family, friends, and faith helped him get through the difficult times and how he guards against infidelity in his own marriage.
In this additional 4-minute clip, Caleb explains how family, friends, and faith helped him get through the difficult times and how he guards against infidelity in his own marriage.
Copyright ©2009-2022, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC & contributing authors. Content on this site cannot be used or reproduced without permission. AffairHealing.com is a resource of Currents Services, LLC.