My spouse wants to know every detail. How much should I reveal?
When you hide any part of your affair, your spouse feels pushed out and unable to work towards trusting you again. You should have a willingness to tell your spouse everything he/she wants to know.
That doesn't mean your spouse should know everything. There are details of your affair that will result in more hurt than healing. But you're not the one who should be making that call. This is where the help of a pastor or counselor can be of great benefit because she or he will be able to guide your spouse in determining which specifics they really need to know.
If your spouse is demanding immediate answers, I would suggest the following response: "I don't want to keep secrets and I am willing to tell you anything you want to know. But my understanding from people who know about these things is that we need help in working through this. Before we talk about all the details of the affair, would you agree to go to someone who will help guide us through all this?" Then, when the time comes, be ready to keep your word.
By the way, even though I do my best to help clients how important it is to be completely honest, some still believe it will be better to keep some secrets. The motives for doing this are varied. Some even sincerely believe they are doing their spouse a favor by not telling them certain things. But this almost always backfires. I received the following emails from a couple who had previously gone through a "confession" (in which he claimed that he had told the whole truth with nothing left still hidden), but the wife just found out about more lies and so decided to leave him.
That doesn't mean your spouse should know everything. There are details of your affair that will result in more hurt than healing. But you're not the one who should be making that call. This is where the help of a pastor or counselor can be of great benefit because she or he will be able to guide your spouse in determining which specifics they really need to know.
If your spouse is demanding immediate answers, I would suggest the following response: "I don't want to keep secrets and I am willing to tell you anything you want to know. But my understanding from people who know about these things is that we need help in working through this. Before we talk about all the details of the affair, would you agree to go to someone who will help guide us through all this?" Then, when the time comes, be ready to keep your word.
By the way, even though I do my best to help clients how important it is to be completely honest, some still believe it will be better to keep some secrets. The motives for doing this are varied. Some even sincerely believe they are doing their spouse a favor by not telling them certain things. But this almost always backfires. I received the following emails from a couple who had previously gone through a "confession" (in which he claimed that he had told the whole truth with nothing left still hidden), but the wife just found out about more lies and so decided to leave him.
Here's what he wrote me: "I had not told her everything, and like you predicted, it came back to bite me. She left. I don't know what else to say. I'm deeply distraught..."
And here's what she wrote: "I am leaving him, not because of what he did, but because he continued to lie to me even though he promised openness and honesty. I won't trust him again."
Recently, I had appointments with 3 separate men who had continued to lie about their affairs even after promising to be completely honest. Each of these men were partly motivated by not wanting to further hurt their wives, but that wasn't their only motive. Here are their stories...
Man 1: His affair was revealed over a year ago. Once caught, he promised to be truthful about everything, but still withheld significant information about that affair and also about a previous affair (which neither his wife nor I knew about at the time). He wasn't convinced that his marriage would survive and so didn't want to reveal too much. There was part of him that truly wanted his marriage "fixed" but wasn't ready to completely let go of the other woman. His dishonestly left room for reconnection and the affair restarted and ended several times over the following months.
In ways he never expected (and this happens far more frequently than people expect), his wife discovered more truth, even about the past affair. Now he's desperate, not wanting to lose her, but she wonders if too much damage has been done. Like every wife in these three examples, she tells him very clearly that she could have dealt with the whole truth at the beginning of the process. She could have worked on forgiving and trusting him if she knew he was risking it all to be honest with her. But now her trust has been severely damaged, perhaps beyond her willingness take any more chances with him.
Man 2: This couple had their "Truth Session" last week. All indicators pointed to continued lying, even though he spent a lot of time and energy claiming that he was being completely honest. His wife didn't buy it and asked him to leave the house. He came to see me yesterday with a noticeable shift in his demeanor. He stopped trying to protect his reputation or to make excuses. He doesn't just want to fix his marriage; he wants to fix himself. Because he has moved rather quickly to correct his lies, and because his wife seems willing to move toward forgiveness, I predict this couple will find their way to joyful reconciliation.
Man 3: This man does not have a long history of lying or cheating. In fact, this was his first indiscretion. The affair was just beginning when it was discovered. The emotional connection was minimal and the physical contact had not yet progressed to sex. He felt tremendous shame over what he had done and thought it would be less risk to his marriage if he just eliminated certain facts from his confession. This was completely unnecessary and I am certain that his wife would have dealt with the whole truth in a way that allowed them to survive the betrayal. But realizing that he has continued to lie to her has been devastating. She asked him to leave and is indicating no desire to do further counseling. He believes he's lost any chance to save the marriage and I suspect he might be right.
On the other side of an affair, both men and women have a difficult time giving up their control of the information. They convince themselves that it is better not to tell. But my experience with couples shows that a quick confession of the whole truth (no matter how bad it may be) is one of the best predictors of healthy reconciliation.
Contrast the previous examples with many who take the risk of complete transparency. They do this without any guarantee of the outcome. They do it because they are tired of controlling lies, or want to give a spouse what he/she is asking for, or need to change themselves, or maybe even believe this is the only way toward a new kind of marriage. Those client's who giv themselves 100% do not regret their choice. They may regret the consequences of the affair, but they do not tend to second-guess their commitment to honesty. (The regret tends to come from those who go only part of the way and then get upset because "I knew that wouldn't work!")
Tom (not his real name) took that risk a month ago. He answered every question completely and honestly. He made no defense. He did not try to excuse or blame; he just told the truth, plain and simple. But the truth was hard, even harder to hear than his wife had imagined. She was devastated. She left the session, went home, smashed every picture of them, and told him to get out.
He called me right away to let me know what had happened. "Being honest was a better choice for me, I know, but now I'm not sure it was the best choice for my marriage. I'm not sure she can get over the whole truth." I encouraged him to hang on; there would be more to their story.
Three days later, she asked him to return. She thanked him for his honesty and committed to rebuilding their marriage. He has remained committed to help her work through the pain of his betrayal, which is a difficult process. But they're making progress. I believe their story will have a happy ending.
Man 1: His affair was revealed over a year ago. Once caught, he promised to be truthful about everything, but still withheld significant information about that affair and also about a previous affair (which neither his wife nor I knew about at the time). He wasn't convinced that his marriage would survive and so didn't want to reveal too much. There was part of him that truly wanted his marriage "fixed" but wasn't ready to completely let go of the other woman. His dishonestly left room for reconnection and the affair restarted and ended several times over the following months.
In ways he never expected (and this happens far more frequently than people expect), his wife discovered more truth, even about the past affair. Now he's desperate, not wanting to lose her, but she wonders if too much damage has been done. Like every wife in these three examples, she tells him very clearly that she could have dealt with the whole truth at the beginning of the process. She could have worked on forgiving and trusting him if she knew he was risking it all to be honest with her. But now her trust has been severely damaged, perhaps beyond her willingness take any more chances with him.
Man 2: This couple had their "Truth Session" last week. All indicators pointed to continued lying, even though he spent a lot of time and energy claiming that he was being completely honest. His wife didn't buy it and asked him to leave the house. He came to see me yesterday with a noticeable shift in his demeanor. He stopped trying to protect his reputation or to make excuses. He doesn't just want to fix his marriage; he wants to fix himself. Because he has moved rather quickly to correct his lies, and because his wife seems willing to move toward forgiveness, I predict this couple will find their way to joyful reconciliation.
Man 3: This man does not have a long history of lying or cheating. In fact, this was his first indiscretion. The affair was just beginning when it was discovered. The emotional connection was minimal and the physical contact had not yet progressed to sex. He felt tremendous shame over what he had done and thought it would be less risk to his marriage if he just eliminated certain facts from his confession. This was completely unnecessary and I am certain that his wife would have dealt with the whole truth in a way that allowed them to survive the betrayal. But realizing that he has continued to lie to her has been devastating. She asked him to leave and is indicating no desire to do further counseling. He believes he's lost any chance to save the marriage and I suspect he might be right.
On the other side of an affair, both men and women have a difficult time giving up their control of the information. They convince themselves that it is better not to tell. But my experience with couples shows that a quick confession of the whole truth (no matter how bad it may be) is one of the best predictors of healthy reconciliation.
Contrast the previous examples with many who take the risk of complete transparency. They do this without any guarantee of the outcome. They do it because they are tired of controlling lies, or want to give a spouse what he/she is asking for, or need to change themselves, or maybe even believe this is the only way toward a new kind of marriage. Those client's who giv themselves 100% do not regret their choice. They may regret the consequences of the affair, but they do not tend to second-guess their commitment to honesty. (The regret tends to come from those who go only part of the way and then get upset because "I knew that wouldn't work!")
Tom (not his real name) took that risk a month ago. He answered every question completely and honestly. He made no defense. He did not try to excuse or blame; he just told the truth, plain and simple. But the truth was hard, even harder to hear than his wife had imagined. She was devastated. She left the session, went home, smashed every picture of them, and told him to get out.
He called me right away to let me know what had happened. "Being honest was a better choice for me, I know, but now I'm not sure it was the best choice for my marriage. I'm not sure she can get over the whole truth." I encouraged him to hang on; there would be more to their story.
Three days later, she asked him to return. She thanked him for his honesty and committed to rebuilding their marriage. He has remained committed to help her work through the pain of his betrayal, which is a difficult process. But they're making progress. I believe their story will have a happy ending.
Additional Resource:
- Article: One man's explanation of why he needs his wife to talk to him about her affair can be found in The Need for Answers.
- Podcast #12o: Reaction & Clarity (Stages of Renewal, Parts 1-2)
- Podcast #122: Healing Advice for Wounded Couples
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