The affair broke our marriage and now I am alone. Is my life ruined?
I sent the following response to a client (woman in early 50's) who was stuck in hopelessness, heading toward divorce while her husband headed off with the other woman...
Debbie,
Your whole marriage, you traveled in a certain direction with a pretty good idea of what the journey would be like and where the road would take you. You didn't see what was coming. You've arrived at a place in the road where the bridge is washed out and you can't on. You didn't destroy the bridge, but the deed is done and your old plans are ruined. To make matters worse, Matt is driving away in another direction with someone else.
I think you want to believe that this catastrophe has ruined your life. The bridge is gone and you have no hope of going any further down the road. And so you make the best of where you are, remembering (with longing and regret) what the trip had been like up to this point, and looking hopelessly across a deep chasm that you can never cross.
If you believe this is what you deserve... if you believe that this is all you can hope for... if you believe that others who survived similar disasters only did so because they didn't have it as bad as you or because they must be better than you... you will probably stay here for a very long time.
Fact: Your life has changed. Dramatically so.
Fact: You will continue to face hardships and consequences.
Fact: This is not the end of your story.
Fact: The way you experience life from this point is up to you.
Notice, I didn't say "what" you experience, because you've already learned life throws curve balls you never expected. But you get to choose how you are going to react.
Debbie, there have been many people who have said some rather silly things to you just because they didn't know better. But there have also been those (like me) who have encouraged you to consider more hopeful perspectives. You seem to not like hearing that, but I don't think the message is wrong... I think you are not ready to move yet.
There are other roads to take. Good ones. No, they're not like the one you were on, but you don't know what you'll find until you travel down them. Believe it or not, there are good things down those roads. In fact, there may be wonderful things you would have never experienced otherwise.
I want you to find your road, too. I want you to believe in hope. But it doesn't matter how much I want it for you; you have to want it for yourself.
That's why I asked you those questions the other day: What do you want to feel? How do you want to experience life? If you know what you want, I can help you move toward those things.
Tim
Debbie,
Your whole marriage, you traveled in a certain direction with a pretty good idea of what the journey would be like and where the road would take you. You didn't see what was coming. You've arrived at a place in the road where the bridge is washed out and you can't on. You didn't destroy the bridge, but the deed is done and your old plans are ruined. To make matters worse, Matt is driving away in another direction with someone else.
I think you want to believe that this catastrophe has ruined your life. The bridge is gone and you have no hope of going any further down the road. And so you make the best of where you are, remembering (with longing and regret) what the trip had been like up to this point, and looking hopelessly across a deep chasm that you can never cross.
If you believe this is what you deserve... if you believe that this is all you can hope for... if you believe that others who survived similar disasters only did so because they didn't have it as bad as you or because they must be better than you... you will probably stay here for a very long time.
Fact: Your life has changed. Dramatically so.
Fact: You will continue to face hardships and consequences.
Fact: This is not the end of your story.
Fact: The way you experience life from this point is up to you.
Notice, I didn't say "what" you experience, because you've already learned life throws curve balls you never expected. But you get to choose how you are going to react.
Debbie, there have been many people who have said some rather silly things to you just because they didn't know better. But there have also been those (like me) who have encouraged you to consider more hopeful perspectives. You seem to not like hearing that, but I don't think the message is wrong... I think you are not ready to move yet.
There are other roads to take. Good ones. No, they're not like the one you were on, but you don't know what you'll find until you travel down them. Believe it or not, there are good things down those roads. In fact, there may be wonderful things you would have never experienced otherwise.
I want you to find your road, too. I want you to believe in hope. But it doesn't matter how much I want it for you; you have to want it for yourself.
That's why I asked you those questions the other day: What do you want to feel? How do you want to experience life? If you know what you want, I can help you move toward those things.
Tim
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