How long will it take our marriage to heal?
Suggested Listening (audio): Signs of Real Affair Recovery
Probably longer than you think. Unfortunately, many couples try to shortcut the recovery process. Once the affair is confessed and some sort of apology is made, these couples attempt to move ahead with "life as usual" even though the confession is only the beginning of recovery and restoration. More is required if full healing (a return to trust, an experience of connection and intimacy) is to be realized.
The "recovery takes as long as the affair lasted" principle that has some general truth, but recovery time is different for every couple. The point of the statement is primarily for the unfaithful partner, who often feels like the work is done once confession has been made. They need to understand that they've lived the experience for however many weeks, months, or years the affair went on. The betrayed spouse is only starting to process that reality and it will take the a LONG TIME to finish that work.
Here's the expectation I usually present to couples:
The "recovery takes as long as the affair lasted" principle that has some general truth, but recovery time is different for every couple. The point of the statement is primarily for the unfaithful partner, who often feels like the work is done once confession has been made. They need to understand that they've lived the experience for however many weeks, months, or years the affair went on. The betrayed spouse is only starting to process that reality and it will take the a LONG TIME to finish that work.
Here's the expectation I usually present to couples:
- Start measuring from the point of full confession or last contact with the affair partner, whichever was most recent. That's you're zero-mark. (And if new revelations or contacts take place, the clock starts over again.)
- Even for short affairs (brief sexual encounters or something lasting a few days or weeks), it will probably be at least 6-12 months before you feel somewhat stable in your marriage. If the affair was longer (or repeated contact, or a history of infidelity), you can expect it to be at least 18-24 months before reaching that same stability... maybe even longer. This assumes that BOTH PARTNERS ARE INVESTED IN RECOVERY. If not, then the kind of stability that results in renewed trust & intimacy will never be reached.
- The affair is never forgotten. Years from now, something will trigger its memory and the pain of it will be felt again. But they do the work, that pain will pull them together for comfort rather than push them apart.
Additional Resources:
- Article: Stages of Affair Recovery
- Podcast #110: Signs of Real Affair Recovery
- Podcast #118: Affair Exposure (Part 1, Stages of Renewal)
- Podcast #120: Reaction & Clarity (Parts 2-3, Stages of Renewal)
- Podcast #207: Cooperation (Part 4, Stages of Renewal)
- Podcast #209: Connection (Part 5, Stages of Renewal)
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