How can I get my partner to break off contact with the lover without demands or ultimatums?
Let me consider this question from the perspective of three different scenarios.
Scenario 1: A partner who claims they are in love with the affair partner.
Your instinct will be to argue this point in an attempt to reason them back toward "sanity." If you do, your efforts will be ineffective. An unfaithful spouse who is caught up in an emotional attachment will not be convinced that their "love" isn't real. It's very real to them.
Instead of trying to change their mind, change yours. Accept the fact that you cannot be responsible for your spouse's choices, but you can be responsible for your own. State your case to them honestly and clearly, then focus on the healthy steps you need to take. In the long run, taking control of your life will have a more positive impact on your spouse than efforts to control theirs.
I've written more about this, including 3 reasons why arguments against "real love" are powerless and 3 things you can do instead, in the post: Don't Tell Me It's Not Real Love!
Scenario 2: A partner who remains uncertain about their intent.
Demands and threats are the strategies most often used in attempts to stop a partner's contacts with their lover, but while they may result in short-term success, the long-term efficacy is usually disappointing. If your partner wants to reconnect with their affair partner, then putting outside pressure on them to "make" them stop can have two consequences:
The question being asked makes the assumption that you should try to "get" your partner to do something. That's the wrong focus. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior; you're responsible for yours.
You need to be VERY honest in letting your partner know how this has affected you and what you are not willing accept. These things should be stated with the recognition that they are free to make whatever choices they want to make, but you will need to do the same. Whether you choose to give them some time to figure things out or move quickly to establish boundaries, the motive for your choice needs to be centered on self-control, not spouse-control.
If you want more help with this, you should read the full description of this strategy as written in the Right Response to a Wayward Spouse guide.
Scenario 3: A partner who claims to have ended in affair, but has ongoing contact with the affair partner in work or social situations.
In this scenario, the unfaithful partner often expects the betrayed partner to stop feeling insecure and simply trust their ongoing encounters with the former lover. It is impossible for the betrayed partner to do this. Realizing the risk of ongoing contact, the betrayed spouse will continue to experience stress. If trust is going to be restored, it will require willing change by the unfaithful partner.
I've written extensively about this issue in the article, What's the harm in ongoing contact with the Affair Partner?, in which I present a choice of 3 strategies that a betrayed partner may use to help diminish the stress experienced by this threat.
- The first scenario is one in which the wayward spouse claims to be in love with the affair partner.
- In the second scenario, the unfaithful partner is ambiguous or uncertain about whether or not they are ending the relationship with the affair partner. Perhaps they even deny that an affair exists, but they still are not willing to give up the relationship.
- In the third scenario, the unfaithful partner claims that the affair has ended, but continues to have contact with the affair partner at work or in social situations.
Scenario 1: A partner who claims they are in love with the affair partner.
Your instinct will be to argue this point in an attempt to reason them back toward "sanity." If you do, your efforts will be ineffective. An unfaithful spouse who is caught up in an emotional attachment will not be convinced that their "love" isn't real. It's very real to them.
Instead of trying to change their mind, change yours. Accept the fact that you cannot be responsible for your spouse's choices, but you can be responsible for your own. State your case to them honestly and clearly, then focus on the healthy steps you need to take. In the long run, taking control of your life will have a more positive impact on your spouse than efforts to control theirs.
I've written more about this, including 3 reasons why arguments against "real love" are powerless and 3 things you can do instead, in the post: Don't Tell Me It's Not Real Love!
Scenario 2: A partner who remains uncertain about their intent.
Demands and threats are the strategies most often used in attempts to stop a partner's contacts with their lover, but while they may result in short-term success, the long-term efficacy is usually disappointing. If your partner wants to reconnect with their affair partner, then putting outside pressure on them to "make" them stop can have two consequences:
- If they lack the inward motivation to change, they will resent your demands. They may go along with your requirements for a while, but it is likely that they their resentment will grow and that contact with the lover will be renewed with greater secrecy.
- If you do somehow manage to control circumstances enough to keep your partner away from their lover, then you have made the decision for them. Even if the affair ends, they may continue to struggle with thoughts of "what if", comparing your marriage to the affair relationship. This increases the chances for an eventual re-ignition of the affair, or vulnerability to another affair down the road, or growing disinterest in your relationship.
The question being asked makes the assumption that you should try to "get" your partner to do something. That's the wrong focus. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior; you're responsible for yours.
You need to be VERY honest in letting your partner know how this has affected you and what you are not willing accept. These things should be stated with the recognition that they are free to make whatever choices they want to make, but you will need to do the same. Whether you choose to give them some time to figure things out or move quickly to establish boundaries, the motive for your choice needs to be centered on self-control, not spouse-control.
If you want more help with this, you should read the full description of this strategy as written in the Right Response to a Wayward Spouse guide.
Scenario 3: A partner who claims to have ended in affair, but has ongoing contact with the affair partner in work or social situations.
In this scenario, the unfaithful partner often expects the betrayed partner to stop feeling insecure and simply trust their ongoing encounters with the former lover. It is impossible for the betrayed partner to do this. Realizing the risk of ongoing contact, the betrayed spouse will continue to experience stress. If trust is going to be restored, it will require willing change by the unfaithful partner.
I've written extensively about this issue in the article, What's the harm in ongoing contact with the Affair Partner?, in which I present a choice of 3 strategies that a betrayed partner may use to help diminish the stress experienced by this threat.
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