Two Unfaithful Men: One Confesses, One Responds
Introduction: This is an open exchange between two men who posted messages on a forum I once hosted. Both of them had been unfaithful. The first one (Man 1), new to the forum, confesses some ongoing behavior. The second one (Man 2) responds with some honest feedback. All forum participants agreed to letting me share their conversations anonymously. -Tim Tedder
The Confession (Man 1)
My wife knows I got too close to the other woman. She thinks that what I had was solely an emotional affair. I have admitted to that. I have not told her about the physical part of it.
When I think about telling her everything, I imagine what a load off my mind that will be; that I won't have to worry about anything coming out of the woodwork in the future. But admitting it will crush her. I can't get over the fact of how much damage it would cause her.
I hate to say this, too, and maybe you'll think I'm crazy… but I still maintain feelings for my AP [Affair Partner]. I actually hate referring to her this way. She is a person and has shared so much of her life with me. She has told me repeatedly that if I ever lose my feelings for her, I should just walk away, and it will be ok. She'll survive. She's been rejected so many times that she will be able to deal with it.
I grieve for her.
We stopped most of the physical contact months ago, but still see each other occasionally, alone, to hug and kiss. I know this is wrong. I know I need to stop it. What's worse is that we work together, and I see her in that context regularly.
I've read the "do not contact" advice, and I understand that this is the best course of action. But I haven't been able to change my heart yet. One thing this forum has helped me to understand is that love is a verb (I liked that description), not just a feeling.
I am still in love with my AP, but I haven't shown her love in quite some time. Although I text her regularly, I don't see her often. I show a lot of love to my wife, but (I hate to say it) I'm not in love with her.
I know I need to make a decision; I have not been in this situation before. I am not typically indecisive, but this situation has brought me so low. I have done things I never thought I would do. I was a proud man, and now I would describe my main quality as being loathsome.
A Response (Man 2)
Wow. Where to begin? I'll start in sequential order, from your post.
I, like you, am a WS [Wayward Spouse] who stepped out on my marriage. I did all the things you talk about here, including trying to control my wife's feelings with what I told her. That was, until she found proof.
You're right, it crushed her. Know what was worse for her? Do you want to know the one thing that slapped me in the face harder than anything else my wife asked me when all this came out? A simple question, really: Why didn't you TALK to me about this?
How does one answer that? I mean, when you look at it, how do you tell your wife (with whom you took a vow to be faithful) that you have cheated on her? There is no easy way. Period. Sucks to be you.
You stepped out, and now you need to make it right. The problem with trying to control the situation is that you don’t get a say on how she will react. The longer you take, the more lies you tell, the worse it will be.
You infer that you are "protecting her" by hiding what is real from your wife. Sorry, you can't bullsh*t me. I've been there. You are lying to protect yourself.
Yes, your wife will be devastated, but at least, she will have the opportunity to work with you to fix this, or leave. If you truly love your wife (and I am the one who said “love is a verb”), then you would see that she deserves to have what you promised her. Your intimacy. Your vulnerability. The risk that she may walk away because you broke your vows to her.
So, let's get real here. Your AP? She's an illusion. You have her up on a pedestal. Of course, she looks good to you because you aren't as invested in a relationship with her. It's all new, just like when you first met your wife. Things go through a honeymoon stage, and I am willing to bet that she is very careful to be all the things you need from her. That is, until you become hers.
Trust me on this, I know from first-hand experience that all an AP has to do is be marginally nicer to you than your real relationship for you to lap it up like the hungry dog given a nice bowl of people food. You are in limerence. What does that mean? You can't be trusted to follow your feelings because you have messed them all up. You are trying to follow your heart, but you've transferred that love to someone else and are focusing all your attention on them.
Emotional affairs are, in many ways, worse than physical ones, because of the intense feelings involved. So, you can't shake the feelings you have for her. That's because you are still in contact with her. You have a massive problem right now.
You wrote that you are indecisive. Of course you are. You are probably a nice guy. I mean that. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. You don't want to hurt this new lover's feelings by choosing to go back to your wife, and you don't want to hurt your wife's feelings by choosing the AP. (And I am willing to bet one year’s worth of paychecks that deep down you know that your AP is just an illusion, thus your indecision.)
So, here's the truth: No matter what, someone is going to be devastated. You are going to hurt someone with your choice. But you have a bigger problem. You are in limerence. You are juggling. You're in the fog. You can't think straight. You need help.
In your place, I would get individual counselling, or at the very least, read some self-help books… You need to get really clear on what it is that you want. Bottom line, until you get your act together, you shouldn't be in a new relationship, especially while you are in another relationship.
Deep down, I'm willing to bet you are a great guy who has got caught up in the emotions of a torrid affair. I've been there. There is a way out, and it starts with telling the whole truth. Getting clear on your needs and then fixing the situation accordingly.
Oh, one more thing about your AP: I'm sure you think she's great. Awesome even. Ask yourself this: If you didn't have your wife in your life (like maybe you met your AP before your wife) and you found out she was carrying on an affair with a married man, regardless of the life and family she was destroying, would you even go there? I'm betting you know the honest answer to that.
In my case, I would have steered completely clear of her. I would have judged her harshly. Remember one thing: you married your wife for a reason. It wasn’t on a whim.
Can you take yourself out of your situation and look towards the future with this AP? Knowing full well she helped you cheat? That she knew you were married, but it didn't matter to her? Will you be able to trust her completely?
I mean, she's lying right now, right? Something to think on.
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