I want to know the truth about the affair. What questions should I ask?
Think about it this way: If the affair is a picture, then you need to see it's frame (the boundaries of the affair: its start, its end, its extent, etc. See sample questions below.) and you also need to see enough to be able to identify it. What you don't need is a level of detail that comes by examining every specific aspect of the affair. Don't be consumed by the need to know everything. You need adequate information, but not exhaustive information. You need enough detail to allow you to move toward forgiveness and healing, while avoiding those things will be unnecessary reminders of the affair in the future. I've never had a spouse come to me after recovery and say, "I sure wish I'd ask more details" but I've had quite a few admit that they wish they hadn't insisted on knowing everything.
Questions I would encourage you to avoid asking, at least at the beginning of the healing process:
1. WHY questions.
Even though you may feel a strong need to understand all the reasons for the affair, you are unlikely to get any satisfactory answers to WHY questions at this point. There are a couple reasons for this:
2. Questions that would provide answers you might eventually regret knowing.
There are questions that, although they seem important in trying to gain full understanding into your spouse's affair behavior, may actually cause you more grief once you know the answer. Remember, you cannot "unhear" an answer once it is given. I usually discourage questions that link the affair memory to specific places, events, behaviors, etc. since these tend to become constant reminders in years ahead. Avoid details that allow the affair to sink its hooks any deeper into your consciousness, especially specific details about sexual behaviors. Don't give the affair that kind of power. You can always choose to ask more questions later on, if you want to.
3. Questions your spouse cannot answer.
You will have a lot of questions about your recovery that your spouse cannot answer. You are going to have to work through these yourself, hopefully with help and support from others, including your counselor. Samples of questions that fall into this category are: How can I learn to trust you again? How can I stop thinking about your affair? Why do I feel guilty? What am I suppose to do with all my anger?
A Sample List of Questions
Note: If at all possible, seek the help of a trusted person to be with you both during the question/answer process. This is an important part of the process, but most couples need someone to help keep them on track because emotions are so raw and defenses are at the ready. A trusted religious leader or counselor can be of great benefit to you at this point.
Questions about the beginning of the affair.
Questions I would encourage you to avoid asking, at least at the beginning of the healing process:
1. WHY questions.
Even though you may feel a strong need to understand all the reasons for the affair, you are unlikely to get any satisfactory answers to WHY questions at this point. There are a couple reasons for this:
- Your spouse/partner has very limited self-insight into all the motives that have been at work. Since insights are limited, he/she is not able to give adequate responses to why questions even if they want to.
- There may be issues in your marriage that contributed to a vulnerability to the affair. This does not mean you are to blame or that they had an excuse, but issues in your relationship may be significant in explaining some of the why questions. But because this sounds like blaming, your partner may not be ready to discuss these things now, and you are not likely ready to hear them.
2. Questions that would provide answers you might eventually regret knowing.
There are questions that, although they seem important in trying to gain full understanding into your spouse's affair behavior, may actually cause you more grief once you know the answer. Remember, you cannot "unhear" an answer once it is given. I usually discourage questions that link the affair memory to specific places, events, behaviors, etc. since these tend to become constant reminders in years ahead. Avoid details that allow the affair to sink its hooks any deeper into your consciousness, especially specific details about sexual behaviors. Don't give the affair that kind of power. You can always choose to ask more questions later on, if you want to.
3. Questions your spouse cannot answer.
You will have a lot of questions about your recovery that your spouse cannot answer. You are going to have to work through these yourself, hopefully with help and support from others, including your counselor. Samples of questions that fall into this category are: How can I learn to trust you again? How can I stop thinking about your affair? Why do I feel guilty? What am I suppose to do with all my anger?
A Sample List of Questions
Note: If at all possible, seek the help of a trusted person to be with you both during the question/answer process. This is an important part of the process, but most couples need someone to help keep them on track because emotions are so raw and defenses are at the ready. A trusted religious leader or counselor can be of great benefit to you at this point.
Questions about the beginning of the affair.
- What is currently your best understanding of what led up to this (you, me, our relationship)?
- How did you meet?
- Who "crossed the line" in your relationship first?
- When did you first have sex?
- Where did you get the money to pay for the affair?
- How much did you spend? Did you go places socially?
- Out to dinner, dates, shopping, groceries, driving around, movies. etc.?
- Did you buy each other gifts?
- Do you still have anything that was given to you?
- Did you ever talk about me or your family?
- How much does the other person know about us?
- How often did you communicate?
- What are all the ways you communicated (text, phone, email, Facebook, etc.)?
- How often did you meet?
- How many times did you have sex?
- When was the last time you had sex?
- When was the last time you had contact of any kind with him/her?
- Does he/she still want to be with you?
- Still trying to contact you?
- Have you been tested for an STD? Are you willing to be tested?
- Do you still struggle with wanting to be with the other person?
- Are you currently attracted to anyone else?
- What are the reasons for wanting to be with me?
- What will you do if he/she tries to contact you again?
- Do you have any reminders of the affair (letters, emails, cards, pictures, songs, gifts, mementos, etc.)? If so, are you willing to get rid of all of them?
- What will you do to help me feel safe with you? To assure me that I do not need to fear that you are lying to me again?
- Is there anything else I haven't asked that you need to tell me?
Additional Resources:
Podcast #120: "Reaction & Clarity" (Stages of Renewal)
Podcast #120: "Reaction & Clarity" (Stages of Renewal)
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