I want to know the truth about the affair. What questions should I ask?

Think about it this way: If the affair is a picture, then you need to see its frame (the boundaries of the affair: its start, its end, its extent, etc. See sample questions below.), and you also need to see enough to be able to identify it. You don't need a level of detail that comes by examining every specific aspect of the affair.

Don't be consumed by the need to know everything. You need adequate information but not exhaustive information. You need enough detail to allow you to move toward forgiveness and healing while avoiding those things that will be unnecessary reminders of the affair in the future. I've never had a spouse come to me after recovery and say, "I sure wish I'd ask more details," but I've had quite a few admit that they wish they hadn't insisted on knowing everything.

Questions to avoid asking, at least at the beginning of the healing process:

1. WHY questions.

Even though you may feel a strong need to understand all the reasons for the affair, you are unlikely to get satisfactory answers to WHY questions at this point. There are a few reasons for this:

Your spouse/partner has very limited self-insight into all the motives at work. Since insights are limited, he/she cannot give adequate responses to why questions even if they want to.

Even if they could give you a clear and complete explanation of the influences that empowered their infidelity, it would likely not be satisfying to you now since they do not diminish the reality that, in the end, they made a choice without regard for you.

There may be issues in your relationship that contributed to a vulnerability to the affair. This does not mean you are to blame or that they had an excuse; it simply means that some of these issues may be significant in explaining some of the why questions. But because this sounds like blaming, your partner may not be ready to discuss these things now, and you are not likely ready to hear them without becoming defensive.

2. Questions that would provide answers you might eventually regret knowing.

There are questions that, although they seem important in trying to gain a full understanding of your spouse's affair behavior, may cause you more grief once you know the answer. Remember, you cannot "unhear" an answer once it is given. I usually discourage questions that link the affair memory to specific places, events, behaviors, etc., since these tend to become constant reminders in years ahead. Avoid details that allow the affair to sink its hooks any deeper into your consciousness, especially specific details about sexual behaviors. Don't give the affair that kind of power. You can always ask more questions later if you want to.

3. Questions your spouse cannot answer.

You will have many questions about your recovery that your spouse cannot answer. You will have to work through these yourself, hopefully with help and support from others, including your counselor. Questions that fall into this category include: How can I learn to trust you again? How can I stop thinking about your affair? Why do I feel guilty? What am I supposed to do with all my anger?

A Sample List of Questions

Note: If possible, seek a trusted person's help to be with you both during the question/answer process. This is an essential part of the process, but most couples need someone to help keep them on track because emotions are so raw and defenses are ready. A trusted counselor can significantly benefit you at this point.

Questions about the beginning of the affair.

• How did you meet?

• Who "crossed the line" in your relationship first?

• Were you sexually involved? If so, around when did you first have sex? (You don’t need a specific date/time/place.)

Questions about affair progression and extent.

• Where did you get the money to pay for the affair? Approximately how much did you spend?

• Did you go places socially? (You don’t need to know where.)

• Did you buy each other gifts? Do you still have anything that was given to you?

• Does the affair partner know anything private about our family or me? If so, what?

• How often did you communicate? What are all the ways you communicated (text, phone, email, Facebook, etc.)?

• How often did you meet?

• In a rough range, how many times did you have sex?

Questions about the ending of the affair.

• When was the last time you had sex?

• When was the last time you had contact of any kind with them?

• Do they still want to be with you? Still trying to contact you?

Questions about current thinking & behavior.

• Have you been tested for an STD? Are you willing to be tested?

• Do you still struggle with wanting to be with the other person?

• Are you currently attracted to anyone else?

• What are the reasons for wanting to be with me?

• What will you do if they to contact you again?

• Do you have any reminders of the affair (letters, emails, cards, pictures, songs, gifts, souvenirs, etc.)? If so, are you willing to get rid of all of them?

• What will you do to help me feel safe with you? To assure me that I do not need to fear that you are lying to me again?

• Is there anything else I haven't asked that you need to tell me? (Any past lie that needs to be corrected? Any important detail that hasn’t been disclosed?)

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See Also: Articles on “Truth”