My spouse refuses to answer my questions about the affair. Don't I have the right to know?
Yes, you have the right to know. In my opinion, you need your spouse's complete honesty for at least three important reasons:
Let me be clear about one thing, though: Stop trying to force your spouse to tell you the truth. If you find yourself begging or threatening your spouse, you may eventually wear them down enough to tell you some additional information, but this forced confession usually won't satisfy you for very long because you will feel the need to dig for more. As long as they resist, you'll keep hammering away until you uncover another little nugget of "truth". But this process only wears both of you out and certainly doesn't help rebuild your relationship.
You need the confidence of knowing that your spouse is willing to be honest about the affair by their own choice. You will not be satisfied by forced confession. Your spouse's willingness to be honest with you will be a strong indicator that they are truly invested in making things right with you. If they're not ready to do that yet, be very clear about your need for the truth and ask them to come up with a plan for moving forward (that includes honesty). This is where the help of a good counselor can be of great benefit to you both. And, in my opinion, if your spouse remains unwilling to give you truthfulness, you are at great risk if you choose to move forward in relationship with him/her.
- You can't effectively navigate through affair recovery if you're in the dark. Your spouse may have many reasons for not wanting to tell you about the affair (protecting self, protecting the affair partner, protecting you), but unless you understand the reality of his/her experience, it will be impossible for you to move forward together. Telling the truth is like turning on the light in a dark hallway. You probably won't like what you see, but at least you identify the obstacles and make informed choices.
- Honesty about the affair is your spouse's first step toward earning your trust. Their affair was built with lies and secrets. By not telling the truth, your spouse is insisting that you simply trust him/her with these secrets. But trusting is the last thing you are capable of right now. Your trust can't be rooted in thin air; it requires your spouse's honesty about their betrayal.
- It is difficult to completely forgive if you do not know the extent of the offense. To forgive, you do not require exhaustive detail, but you do need an accurate measure of the affair: how long it lasted, who was involved, how far it went, etc. Failure to hear the truth inhibits your ability to offer, or their ability to receive, full forgiveness.
Let me be clear about one thing, though: Stop trying to force your spouse to tell you the truth. If you find yourself begging or threatening your spouse, you may eventually wear them down enough to tell you some additional information, but this forced confession usually won't satisfy you for very long because you will feel the need to dig for more. As long as they resist, you'll keep hammering away until you uncover another little nugget of "truth". But this process only wears both of you out and certainly doesn't help rebuild your relationship.
You need the confidence of knowing that your spouse is willing to be honest about the affair by their own choice. You will not be satisfied by forced confession. Your spouse's willingness to be honest with you will be a strong indicator that they are truly invested in making things right with you. If they're not ready to do that yet, be very clear about your need for the truth and ask them to come up with a plan for moving forward (that includes honesty). This is where the help of a good counselor can be of great benefit to you both. And, in my opinion, if your spouse remains unwilling to give you truthfulness, you are at great risk if you choose to move forward in relationship with him/her.
Additional Resources:
- Podcast #204: "Needing To Ask About The Affair"
- Podcast #120: Reaction & Clarity (Stages of Relationship Renewal)
- Article: What questions should I ask?
- Article: The Need for Answers (letter)
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