The Cost to Repair a Marriage After an Affair
Written by Tim Tedder
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: the cost to repair a marriage after an affair can be significant. It might be the biggest payment you’ll ever make. And gaining the full benefit of your investment will take longer than you expect.
The work is so difficult that I would quit counseling instantly if I didn’t know the possible result of all the effort. The cost is high, but the eventual payoff can be worth it.
One morning, I sat with a couple, Jim and Shannon*, as they worked desperately to determine whether or not their marriage was salvageable. She had recently discovered evidence of repeated sexual communications with other women over the past year and suspected there might be more to the truth. While speaking privately with me, Jim admitted a history of unfaithfulness in previous relationships and expressed a desire to break this pattern once and for all. And in this session, he told her the same thing.
Her response was full of wisdom, expressed in a way that I'd never quite heard before.
Her Questions, His Challenge
Shannon: Was there something lacking in our relationship? Was there some need I failed to meet that made you want to connect with these other women?
Jim: No. It's not about you. Nothing you've done or not done made me do this. I think I just wanted the attention. It felt good to know that other women still wanted to be with me. But I don't want to lose you; I'll do whatever it takes to fix this.
Shannon: But do you understand how hard this is going to be for you? If you actually put an end to these other relationships, then whatever void in you they fill is now going to stay empty. And I am so angry and hurt by all this that I know it will take me quite a while to trust you again or love you like I used to love you. You're going to lose me for a while, too, until I can heal more. That's going to create another empty space in you. What makes you think you can handle that?
She got it! Shannon knew that recovery was going to require his willingness to put up with a double pain: the letting go of the affair partner, and the separation he would feel from his wife during her bouts of confusion, grief, and anger.
Quick Fixes Don't Work
If you were unfaithful, understand this: fixing your marriage comes at a cost. You must be willing to sit in the discomfort of your spouse’s pain, even while you manage your own suffering. That’s the price of repair.
If you want to mend your marriage after your affair, you have to be willing to sacrifice. You cannot demand quick forgiveness and "getting back to normal." You cannot manipulate your spouse by blaming them for the struggles your marriage will go through. I am not suggesting that you now have to accept the blame for every problem your marriage is going to face, but you do need to accept the blame for this problem.
Never say, “Can’t you just get over it?” That phrase shuts the door on healing. Instead, say: “I know I caused this pain. I’m here for as long as it takes. What do you need from me right now?”
If you do this, will it guarantee an eventual reconnection with your spouse? No. But I can tell you that it is rare for a spouse to refuse forgiveness to a partner who makes this kind of sacrifice. On the other hand, refusing to pay this cost of affair recovery makes it almost certain that your healing will never be complete.
The Efforts That Count
It took time, but Shannon and Jim managed to not only stay together but also grow back together. How? By both being willing to do the work. The one who caused the damage must be willing to start by doing the heavy lifting, just like Jim did.
Following his example, here are eight specific efforts you can make that will repair your relationship.
1. End All Contact With the Affair Partner
Why it matters: Healing can’t begin until the threat is gone.
Action: Block all communication channels. If contact (e.g., a co-worker) is unavoidable, decide with your partner what boundaries will be established. Take responsibility for maintaining them.
2. Take Full Ownership of the Betrayal
Why it matters: Excuses or partial truths delay healing.
Action: Say, “This is 100% on me. There’s no justification for what I did.” Avoid blame-shifting, minimizing, or explaining it away.
3. Disclose the Whole Truth—Without Trickle
Why it matters: Ongoing revelations retraumatize your partner and complicate recovery.
Action: Prepare to tell the whole story once, with honesty and transparency. This will help rebuild trust and allow healing to begin from solid ground.
4. Show Genuine Empathy
Why it matters: Your partner needs to know you see their pain.
Action: Listen without defensiveness. Say things like, “I see how much I’ve hurt you. I understand why you’re angry and confused.”
5. Be Patient With Their Emotions
Why it matters: Trust can’t be rushed.
Action: Expect repeated questions, emotional swings, and distance. Don’t demand forgiveness. Keep showing up with consistency and care.
6. Get Support for Yourself
Why it matters: You need clarity, too, and must address the why behind your infidelity choices.
Action: Begin individual counseling or coaching. Recovery involves your own growth and emotional honesty, not just fixing the relationship.
7. Be Transparent Moving Forward
Why it matters: Rebuilding trust takes time and visibility.
Action: Offer open access to devices, calendars, or locations—not as punishment, but as a gesture of rebuilding safety.
8. Ask, “What Do You Need From Me Right Now?”
Why it matters: It shifts you from self-focus to being a partner in healing.
Action: Ask this regularly. Follow through with integrity.
Yes, there is a cost to repair your marriage. Everyone who faces the damage will have to decide whether the benefits make the price worthwhile. For Jim and Shannon, the cost was more than worth it.
*In some cases, clients and AH community members give permission for their names to be uses. Most, like “Jim and Shannon", allow their story to be told but prefer to remain anonymous.