Signs of a Real Affair Confession

Written by Tim Tedder

Andy sits at one end of the counseling couch, downcast, head in his hands, elbows on his knees as he considers his wife’s confession. Finally, his gaze lifts from the space between his feet and settles on his wife, Cara, curled in a tight ball at the other end.

“How am I supposed to believe you?” he asks. He wants assurance that she is offering a real affair confession.

Cara hesitates, frustration flickering across her face. “Whether you believe me or not, I’m telling you the truth.”

“You told me that before. And I found out you were still lying. Your whole affair was about making me believe one thing while you were doing something else. So how do I know you’re being honest now?”

She doesn’t answer. Andy turns to me, a witness to their struggle. “Do you think I should trust her?”

I’ve listened to hundreds of affair confessions and walked with many couples through the affair recovery process. I’ve heard countless confessions. Along the way, I’ve been asked the same question again and again: Can I know if their confession is true?

I understand the longing for certainty. But even with experience, I can still be fooled by a lie, too.

Words are necessary, but not enough. Everyone—liar and truth-teller alike—swears they’re telling the truth. The more accurate measure of sincerity is behavior, not words. So, what behaviors indicate an honest affair confession?

What Are the Signs of a Real Affair Confession?

1. Selfless remorse. Your partner shows genuine sorrow over hurting you, not just regret over getting caught. It demonstrates an awareness of your pain, not just their own. It is expressed in an attitude of humility rather than defensiveness.

2. Concern for your relief and comfort, not just their own. Your partner listens to you and attempts to alleviate your pain. They are willing to reach out to you rather than being self-absorbed in their own pain, which is also very real. A confession offered by someone too focused on themselves will seem insincere.

3. Ongoing commitment to truthfulness. If no secrets remain, your spouse will no longer need to fear discovery. The relief they experience from finally coming clean will likely move them to ongoing transparency, wanting to assure you of their honesty. One caution, however: ongoing interrogations about shameful details of an affair will almost always cause a defensive reaction and will probably not be helpful to you in the long run.

4. Willingness to play a major role in the healing process; to fix what they broke. Not every marriage can be repaired. Not every relationship will endure. But a repentant partner is almost always willing to do their part in making the effort. They accept responsibility for helping you feel safe again. They do the hard work necessary to regain your trust. 

What are the Signs of a Real Affair Confession?

1. Confessions are limited to what has been uncovered. This behavior is sometimes described as "trickle truth" because it slowly drips out as new evidence is uncovered. Unfaithful partners who grudgingly confess to each new bit of discovered truth are only admitting to what they have to acknowledge. In contrast, true confessions will almost always include more information than what you already know.

2. Confusion, not clarity, tends to be the outcome of any discussion about "the truth." When it is hard to make sense of your partner's story, they are likely being deceptive. Complete honesty tends to make things clear, even though it often reveals some ugly truth. Deception, on the other hand, is full of awkward twists and turns and unexpected dead ends. When you are listening to lies, you will likely leave the conversation just as confused, if not more so, than before.

3. Quick shifts to defensiveness and blaming when questions are asked about the affair. Once a person has decided to tell the truth, it is an easy thing to do. It's easier than managing the lies. But if your partner is still lying, they will want to shift the focus away from themselves (since it is dangerous to give too much attention to their story) by either becoming silent, defensive, or turning the tables by blaming you.

4. The expectation that you do the major work in recovery rather than accept the responsibility themselves. If your partner claims to have made a full confession and then leaves you to do the majority of the work to fix your relationship, something isn't right. Here are a couple of examples:

• Instead of taking the initiative to create a trustworthy environment, your partner expects you to provide a checklist for change ("Just tell me what you expect me to do") that is reluctantly followed.

• Your partner leaves it up to you to fight for the boundaries that help you feel safe, rather than voluntarily establishing new rules for outside relationships. Genuine confession should be followed by genuine change.

Things to Keep In Mind When Looking for a Real Confession

1. Be aware of your natural bias. After betrayal, your judgment is naturally clouded. Fear makes you hyperaware of inconsistencies, motivating you to search for signs of danger—evidence that it could all fall apart again. That’s understandable. Be smart. Be watchful. But hold on to a bit of grace, too.

2. Don’t do this alone. For many, this is a “crazy-making” period of affair recovery. If you need help, seek outside perspectives—from wise friends or skilled helpers.

3. Your partner may be empathetically challenged. If your spouse has always been weak at demonstrating empathy, don’t expect a miraculous change. They may genuinely be remorseful, yet still struggle to express it. However, this shouldn’t be an excuse because the evidence will be seen in their struggle to give you what you need.

4. If evidence of a real confession and change is missing, stop working on your relationship. It’s time to establish boundaries and focus on yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to give up all hope for the relationship; it just means you stop working at repairing it until they actively join you in the process.

5. If there is evidence of real confession and change, be patient. Don’t expect perfection from someone who’s trying. Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight.

When a real confession of an affair is accompanied by real change, trust can gradually be rebuilt.