Is It Affair Fog or Real Love?
Trying to argue about whether someone is in affair fog or real love, especially if you’re arguing with a partner in limerence, is like trying to convince them the sweet fruit they’re eating is rotten. It doesn’t taste that way to them!
Written by Tim Tedder
The Taste of Something Forbidden
When someone is caught up in the fog of an affair—what psychologists often call limerence—they aren’t thinking clearly. They’re not weighing the consequences or counting the cost. They’re savoring something that tastes better than anything they can remember.
They have already decided whether this is affair fog or real love. In their mind, they’re clear. They’ve found the genuine thing. The missing piece. And when you try to talk sense to them—warn them, plead with them—it usually falls flat. Because what they feel is intoxicating, and what you’re offering is mundane sobriety.
I know. I’ve been there. While wandering in my affair fog, the reasonable arguments from others (the same arguments I’d previously offered to wanderers) had no effect. I knew they meant well, but I believed my experience was unique, exceptional, and I wanted to enjoy it. I tried to express this in a song I recently wrote, Lovely Fruit:
Pick from the tree
Bite its lovely fruit (let the juice flow down)
Muddy the soil
Poison the root
To someone lost in the affair fog, it’s not poison. Not yet. It’s nectar.
The Experience of Affair Fog (aka Limerence)
Limerence isn’t just a crush. It’s a neurochemical surge—a cocktail of dopamine, adrenaline, and fantasy—that can override common sense and deeply held values. People swept up in it will say things like:
“This is the real me.”
“I never felt this way before.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but I can’t deny this connection.”
“I finally feel alive.”
They begin rewriting their past—minimizing their spouse and exaggerating marital dissatisfaction—while framing their new partner as a soulmate who “gets” them like no one ever has.
This is the best you've ever had
Your old life is a joke
You finally won the big prize
In this state, people don't just feel different—they believe they are different. Rational arguments and moral appeals bounce off their target like rubber darts. You may as well try to tell someone high on cocaine that the drugs are bad for them. They won’t listen; they're already lost in the euphoria.
Why You Can’t Talk Them Out of It
One of the most painful parts of watching someone fall out of a marriage and into limerence is the helplessness of it. You see the destruction ahead—the broken family, the regrets, the scorched earth—but your warnings sound like noise to them.
I know you're not listening
Nobody knows like you
They’re usually aware of the statistics; they know other people’s affairs have had bad endings. But they’re convinced they’ve discovered something truly unique. What they feel is real, but what it promises is not.
You think you're gonna make it
When others didn't last
They may have missed the boarding
Your ticket is first-class
When the Fog Lifts
Eventually, limerence fades; it always does. The emotional high isn’t sustainable, and the novelty wears off. Real life returns—bills, baggage, arguments, familiarity, ordinary routines—and the affair partner is revealed to be human, not magical.
This is when many people wake up and realize what they’ve lost: the trust of those who loved them, a family, a familiar bond they miss again, part of their integrity. Maybe they still have something left to rebuild. Or perhaps they’re left to mourn the damage and figure out how to stumble forward.
I bought the pitch myself once
Watched promise slip away
In over twenty years of affair recovery counseling, I’ve watched many men and women leave spouses and families to give themselves to a new relationship. I haven’t kept careful statistics of the results, so I cannot give exact percentages based on my experience, but these general outcomes are true:
Very few will stay committed to this new partnership for the rest of their lives. I know some of these couples and have worked with several of them. Without exception, these relationships move out of the affair fog into the reality that healthy relationships require hard work. Hopefully, they’ve become humble enough to learn the lessons necessary to do a better job this time.
Some will remain in the new relationship long enough to be surprised at all the difficulties: a tense divorce, financial challenges, angry and disconnected children, and unexpected struggles with a partner who seemed so perfect before. They end up no more content than they were before.
Most relationships (by far) that start as an affair will end within the first few years. Everyone knows the odds, but those who stay with their affair partner always believe they will beat them—until they finally lose.
A Different Turn
Not everyone has to crash to wake up. Some come to their senses while there's still time to choose a better path. It’s hard, but not impossible. And if you’re the one waiting for that wake-up—be it a spouse, family member, or friend—your role isn’t to force change but to be a steady voice that says, “There’s another way.”
I hope you wake up soon enough
I hope your bridge won’t burn
You can go the hard way
Or take a different turn
This song, Lovely Fruit, was written from my own experience—a message to the old me. I remember the fog… the taste of the fruit. And I remember the deep ache of finally realizing that what felt so right came at such a great cost.
You can listen to the whole song here (lyrics below):
If You’re in the Fog
Pause. Get quiet. Ask what’s being fed in you—and what’s being neglected.
Consider talking to someone who will listen, but won’t just confirm your bias.
Don’t confuse intensity with intimacy.
Know that when limerence ends, the consequences remain.
And if you’ve already walked through that fire, you’re not alone. Grace still meets us on the far side of brokenness. Healing doesn’t erase the past, but it can shape a redemptive future.
Lyrics
I'm gonna tell you somethin'
Your pitchman is a liar
This path that you are walkin'
Will take you through the fire
I know it feels like heaven
That's what the promos say
I bought the pitch myself once
Watched promise slip away
This is the best you've ever had
Your old life is a joke
You finally won the big prize
Oops - the lottery's broke
chorus:
Pick from the tree
Bite its lovely fruit (let the juice flow down)
Muddy the soil
Poison the root
Pick from the tree
Bite its lovely fruit (feel the juice run down)
Muddy the soil
Poison the root
You think you're gonna make it
When others didn't last
They may have missed the boarding
Your ticket is first-class
Sit back, enjoy the ride
Sip down another gin
Dream of where you're going
Forget where you have been
This is the best you've ever had
Your old life is a joke (tell yourself)
You finally won the big prize
Oops - the lottery's broke
[chorus]
I know you're not listening
Nobody knows like you
I hope you wake up soon enough
I hope your bridge won't burn
You can go the hard way
Or take a different turn
[chorus]
I know you're not listening
Nobody knows like you